Discovering Your True Values
A family came to me to talk about their competing values - which I just love to wrestle with - especially if they are not mine! We zoomed a bit and talked about which values were competing and why they were wrecking the family. Dad was upset because his daughter had quit college and he was under the impression that education was a core value of his. She wouldn’t comply with his wishes for her to get a college degree, he fired her from her part time job in the family business (in the hopes this would incentivize her to return to college). Every time they argued about her decision to quit college he questioned her values in a bad, judgy way. She questioned his values too. Nonverbally. She thought that he was controlling and unreasonable. She stopped calling or hanging out with the family. Her strategy was avoidance (hoping that he would miss her and see the error of his ways).
I asked him, “How do you express your value for education?” His response, “I want my kids to go to college!” Ok. Let’s try again because that is NOT dad valuing education; that is dad telling his kid to value what he values. “How do YOU value education?” I ask and ask. “I quit college when my dad had a heart attack and eventually took over his business. I didn’t graduate. But I vowed to myself that I would make sure my kids went to college. They OUGHT TO GO to college.”
He pursued education through the experiential route - working the family business. After a few really hard conversations, the dad finally said: “Oh God. This is not a values discussion. This is me thinking that I missed out on college and not wanting my kids to miss out.”
Yes, there it is. You know what his daughter wanted to do? Go into the family business without attending college. Like father, like daughter. When released from the tyranny of shoulds and oughts - dad was able to see that he and his daughter were perfectly aligned in terms of the core value of creating a thriving family business. But he almost lost the joy and opportunity of bringing her on board because he was so stubborn and controlling and judgmental of her choices. He was driving her away - which was the last thing either of them wanted. And she was walking away in response to his manipulation. Neither was living by their values at all!
All of us could benefit from taking some time to think about what we really, really value rather than what we say we value. For instance, maybe we learn that we value relationships more than we value our opinions. Maybe when push comes to shove we care more about loving others than we care about convincing them that they should like blue cheese or pineapple, wear or not wear a mask, vote Republican, Democrat or Third Party. Maybe.
