Harmful Family Patterns are Biblical
"And they lived in hostility toward all their brothers."
~ Genesis 25:18 (b) NIV
What's it like to be you in your family? What roles do you play? Is there hostility? Can it be tracked back through the generations?
We are fast-forwarding a bit in our Bible story series to an intriguing chapter in Genesis, Chapter 25. The above quote is embedded in a seemingly dull passage that gives an account of Abraham's son Ishmael - you'll remember that this is the son born of Hagar and Abraham, after Sarah, doubting that she would get pregnant, jumps in to control their lives by offering up Hagar as a surrogate. I don't think this needs to be said, but here goes: "Men, if your wife tells you that it is ok to have sex with someone other than them - they are lying and eventually all that hostility will rise to the top."
And it did. Sarah turned on Hagar, which in turn affected Ishmael, who in turn, also received God's promise that he would begat many descendants - all of whom fought with Abraham's other children. But things were hard on Ishmael. He was the oldest, but because Ishmael was the child of a servant not a wife, Isaac received all of the inheritance; Abraham "gave gifts" to his other children. Talk about sibling rivalry - it does not take the power of God to figure out where this story is headed!
Of course, all of this was known to God. Here is what God told Hagar about her unborn son: "You are now with child and you will have a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the Lord has hard of your misery. He will be a wild donkey of a man; his hand will be against everyone and everyone's hand against him, and he will live in hostility toward all his brothers." (Genesis 16:11-12 NIV). I do not even think this was hard for God to figure out; people are remarkably predictable if we pay attention. People's behavior makes sense if we know their entire story, even behavior that is self-destructive!
Did you know that in the field of addiction there are folks who studied such things and talk about the rigid roles family members begin to take on when addiction enters the family? All stereo-types BUT there is a reason stereo-types become stereo-types - there is a ring of truth to them. If you are like me, we have "roles" in our family that can be traced back generations. And even though I set out, like Sarah, to control the outcomes for my own brothers and I, there is still a remnant of these old patterns of jealousy, resentment, judgment and criticism. I hate it but I cannot control it.
This does not mean that I have no responsibility. And, I have freedom too! Our family patterns are not our destiny, they are simply familiar patterns. Once we see them, we can choose to go against the grain and try something different. Every person will not make that choice; but we can stop fretting about their choices and instead, focus on our own. This is freedom; this is accepting responsibility.
This can be in small matters; it doesn't have to be BIG changes. In fact, more impact is made by a few small changes over a long period of time than a giant commitment to a major change in our whole personality all at once - that just results in discouragement. We humans as a general rule are not particularly capable of making major and immediate life changes. We do better over the course of time with small, consistent changes that build up and gain momentum over the long haul.
Here is a tiny example. Pete and I watch a lot of sports, my favorite to watch awake is tennis. I have a habit of commentating on the wardrobe choices of those who play. I have questions: Why are their sponsors dressing them all alike - this isn't twins day in preschool!? How much choice do the players have in their wardrobe? Why do some players consistently give the appearance of rolling out of bed and hitting the court while others look like they will leave this match and model their attire on a fashion runway? Why do the styles compliment some, and not others? Who ever thinks black tennis shoes should be a thing? My list goes on and on.
Recently, it occurred to me that this commentary sounded old and familiar - in a bad way, like stinky cheese left in an unattended lunchbox. Jeez, I thought, I sound like my ancestors. My grandmother, in the midst of my own eating disorder of anorexia said, "Teresa, don't get too stout; styles change and some clothes will never look good on a stout girl." I was trying at that point to break the 3-figure weight barrier and weight under 100. I was 5'7" - I was more likely to die of starvation than stoutness. I remember when she told my mother, "It is bad enough you have ruined your body having four children - two is the maximum necessary for you when you get old - but now, if your husband dies, no man is going to want a used up body AND four children." Or my other grandmother, who was constantly dieting and buying things like a "fat off" machine, that I loved to use as a child.
I'm going to stop commentating on tennis sportswear. And that is a small thing. But it honors my own integrity more since I have grown up and realize that all this commentating on my own body and my mother's body and my grandmother's body has had a limiting effect on how each of us thought about the human form.
The world loves a good gossip; people love comparing opinions - especially if they agree. But these choices and many, many more decisions like this one, have implications down through the generations. I can see it more clearly now, in my dotage. I can see the perils and the promise of living in the world in a certain way - a way that eschews control for acceptance, seeks harmony over hostility, and fights for relationships that support, encourage and enrich one another. This is, after all, God's way of seeing.
If we live out our generational curses, this does not seem to make God mad at us - he gets it. But he also invites us to a different path. He tells Cain how to be accepted and avoid the crouching of sin at his door. He continues throughout the Old Testament to assure his children that he will never leave nor forsake them or his abandon his covenant with them. He sees it all - the good, the petty, the downright ugly - and he keeps beating this same consistent drumbeat - I have chosen you. I have chosen you for a purpose. Now - you, today, choose for yourself - are you going to go with the flow of my vision, or will you continue to numbly follow the path of your ancestors? Choose. You have freedom.
What choices are open to you that fly in the face of your multi-generational patterns?
