Radical Candor
At Northstar Community, Scott has begun a new series on the 12 principles of AA, as suggested by one of our faithful Northstarians, Fred. Fred has over 2000 days clean and sober, so when Fred makes a suggestion, the community listens to him.
Although just about everyone has heard of the 12-steps and the meetings associated with mutual aid societies like AA, NA and the like (check out Finding Nemo if you are unfamiliar), I'm not sure everyone knows about the 12-principles. The 12 principles are primarily the work of the founders of AA; early on the group had six principles. By 1939 with the publication of the Big Book, they revised their principles, expanding them to reflect their work and its progress. These 12 principles remain the central guiding influence of the work.
The main text of AA, the Big Book, goes step by step through 12 distinct phases, each crucial for achieving recovery. The heavy influence of the Oxford Group early on in its formation, a Christian evangelical movement, is obvious throughout the work. Similarly, the principles are a single virtue that embodies each step.
The 12 principles are as follows: honesty, hope, surrender, courage, integrity, willingness, humility, love, responsibility, discipline, awareness, and service. In this series, we will be working through the 12 principles. The first is honesty.
Scott led the study by facilitating a discussion on honesty in our Sunday morning group. There were tons of comments, mostly having to do with how hard and risky honesty feels, how fundamentally dishonest most of us are, and the tricky navigation of trying to become honest in a world that we believe will use our honesty against us. Of course, there were counterpoints. Fred reminded the group that the honesty of recovery must be rigorous, there can be no excuses or shortcuts. A few tried to sell the group on their inherent honesty - which, of course, no one actually believed, but received with grace and respect.
Our friends were loud and clear on this point, sometimes it is hard to be honest. For example, a young man sits with his family in an intervention and says, "I do not want to go to treatment." That's honest. Maybe the family says back, " Let me be honest with you, it is going to be so hard to bury you." That is not honest, that is manipulation. Now, the family may honestly have those fears. But the young man is alive and there is no guarantee he will die if he does not go to treatment. They are feeling scared and worn out and they want him to go to treatment, but they were not honest, they communicated their anxiety. Instead, the family may sit there quietly, nod with understanding (Because, let's be honest, does anyone ever want to go to treatment?) and say instead, "What would you be willing to do? We think your using is a problem and we are wondering what could be done about that?" And lo and behold, an agreement is reached! Not everyone got what their imagination desired, but progress is made.
Towards the end of our session, it occurred to me that maybe we could make honesty a tiny bit less challenging by becoming people who could receive the honesty of others. However, there is a caveat that must be laid out for all to consider. Honesty is not an excuse to tell people mean things. The leading phrase, "I'm just gonna be honest here..." sends shivers down my spine, because my experience is that when people lead with that phrase, they are often going to say something that hurts feelings. It's almost a threat. If we lead with the old "I'm being honest..." preamble, aren't we really saying that our honesty provides some kind of protection against further engagement? It's like preemptively using a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. How can you be mad at me if "I'm just being honest"?
Honesty, within the context of this conversation, is not a passive aggressive way of telling another what they are doing that irritates us. Honesty is telling the truth about ourselves. For example, I can tell my husband, "I'm just being honest here. I hate how much sports you watch on tv." That is not me being honest, that is me criticizing my husband. He might respond in kind, "Well, honestly, I hate it when you comment on my tv watching habits." Again, this is not a conversation that is actually about honesty, it is his response to my passive aggressive comment.
Or I could say, "I'm not interested in watching sports every night on tv." That's honest and it is about me. The solution rests with me. I can then decide to do countless other activities, in the same room or somewhere else in our home. The issue is not really about him. I am giving him information about me.
Now, he can take that information and respond honestly in return. "Ok," comes to mind as a likely response. Or he could say, "Wow, I did not know that. I thought we were watching sports in companionable silence (except for those times I am yelling at the refs)." That's honest. That gives me information about him.
Together, we may come up with several different adjustments to our evening routine. We might negotiate something along these lines. Monday night is definitely football night and I will gladly watch with him. But we will not watch sports on Tuesday night. Or we will watch tennis on Tuesdays - because we both love watching tennis. Either way, because we've been honest about our own experiences, the conversation can actually be helpful.
Guideline #1 - When practicing honesty, make sure to practice vulnerability too. Make it about your experience, don't weaponize it. And when others are practicing honesty with you, try to be the kind of person that feels safe to share hard things with. Don't make someone regret their moment of vulnerability by being reactive.
Guideline #2 - When practicing honesty, don't allow it to be an excuse for being disrespectful to the person listening to your honest statement. Be thoughtful and careful in your share; make it about you. And when others practice honesty with you, listen, really listen to them. Pause. Consider what they are saying, see where you can find empathy, understanding, and even agreement.
I guess what I am trying to encourage here are a couple of things: don't weaponize "honesty", be brave and more sincere about being honest about yourself, and finally, practice being the kind of person with the stability and character who can hear hard truths from others.
I'm reminded of the relationship Peter had with Jesus. Jesus was honest with Peter; Peter did not know himself well enough to be capable of being honest in return. Jesus rebukes and restores Peter, eventually. But the relationship is messy. Nevertheless, Jesus chooses messy and honest without having to "break up" with Peter. Isn't this what we all need and long for? Aren't we all messy? What I love about Jesus' response to Peter is that he did not relitigate the whole betrayal debacle. Instead, he asked him, three times, "Peter, do you love me?" Such an honest question!
Perhaps our troubles around honesty have more to do with confusion about what we need to be honest about. Peter was more than his denial, he was also a disciple. Jesus reminded him of who he truly was without requiring a pound of Peter's flesh because Peter proved himself to be human. I wish for us all in this new year the courage and faith to remind each other of who we are - we are not the bad thing. We are not the worst thing we have ever done.
