We’re Both Right, We May Both Be Wrong.

I appreciate Edith Eger's interpretation of a Jesus teaching that many of us struggle with. Here's her take: "This is what I think Jesus meant when he advised us to 'turn the other cheek.' When you turn the other cheek, you look at the same thing from a new perspective. You can't change the situation, you can't change someone else's mind, but you can look at reality differently. You can accept and integrate multiple points of view. This flexibility is our strength. (p. 108 The Gift)

I'm amazed at all the different perspectives that emerged in response to the coronavirus pandemic. People both opposed and supported mask wearing; people were grateful and dismissive of the vaccine; people praised and punished business closures/accommodations; people appreciated and berated various decisions made by government authorities and institutions.

Turn the other cheek. Look at the various perspectives. Listen to different media outlets and read different opinion pieces and we end up with wildly different conclusions. Eventually, we have to settle into a position. It could be right, wrong, or in-between. Turn the other cheek - look at the information others are receiving. Although it may not be a preferred source, even if we do not agree with it, turning the other cheek allows us to at least understand why we end up with so many different viewpoints.

Turn the other cheek. Do you, make your decisions, stand by them. But we don't have to treat others with disdain who are making different choices. At least appreciate how hard it is to make decisions in the midst of so much confusing and ever-changing data!

The pandemic is an extreme situation; it will be covered in the history books for years to come and our choices will be dissected and discussed. Some of the choices we made as individuals and a country and a world will look absolutely ridiculous as better information and research comes to light. But here is the thing that we can do well - turn the other cheek. Give one another grace. The only thing that will not stand the test of time well is our certainty, disdain, and lack of humility. The rest, I suspect our ancestors will maybe give us a pass on - especially if they continue to encounter baffling and difficult life circumstances themselves.

“All Therapy is Grief Work”

In Dr. Edith Eger's book, "The Gift", she sums up in one sentence why so many of us who need therapy resist getting it - "All therapy is grief work." She should know.

As a Holocaust survivor, Eger has worked with veterans, military personnel and victims of physical and mental trauma. She understands grief. But what is far more impressive to me is her candor about her reluctance to actually do the work of grief herself. Instead, she achieved and strived and tried to outrun her suffering. Thanks be to God that at some point she realized this: "I'm a prisoner and a victim when I minimize or deny my pain - and I'm a prisoner and a victim when I hold on to regret." (p.92, The Gift). According to Eger, we all share in the universal experience of life not turning out as we want or expect. "We suffer because we have something we don't want, or we want something we don't have." (also p. 92, The Gift)

In an effort to either support or deny Eger's claim, I did what I so often do, I turned to the scriptures to see what kind of examples I might find in the life of God's people over the ages. It did not take long, in fact, this was not even the first example of disappointment paired with added suffering.

Sarai, who was barren, came up with the absolutely brilliant idea (sarcasm, folks) to 'give' to Abram her slave Hagar as a surrogate for Sarai's child. (Use your imagination, there were no fertility clinics.) What could possibly go wrong here? Of course, Hagar became pregnant.

Then Sarai said to Abram, "You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me." (Genesis 16:5 NIV)

Wait. Sarai came up with this scheme. Does anyone ask how Hagar feels about her master and his wife's plan? NOW Sarai has regrets. She wishes she could change the past. Her wish is much deeper and more heartfelt than just wishing Hagar's pregnancy would have no emotional effect on Hagar and thereby cause Sarai discomfort. Sarai wishes she herself could get pregnant and bear a bunch of babies with her husband.

Grief is not just about what happens to us; it is also about what does not happen. It's never easy to think about grief and loss but it won't get any easier avoiding it.

Today, ask yourself - in your grief, can you identify the ways you feel powerless over not just what happened but also what did not happen that you expected, longed for or dreamed about?