Transformation requires hard work

I took my two year old grandson to Target and accidentally bought him a tow truck. Wrapped heavily in all the cardboard and wiring that keep such things in place, my grandson was quite eager to get through the checkout line and on with the unveiling.

Clearly, this was not his first rodeo. He immediately asked the sales clerk, “Do you have scissors?” Alas, she did not.

I said, “Hey, we will be home soon and Meme will get out her scissors and we will free your tow truck!”

He looked up, he cocked his head, he replied, “Ok Meme.” Then he added, “We can do hard things! Good job Meme!” And then he clapped.

I do not know what seemed hard about this situation to him. Was it the difficulty of ripping into the box to retrieve the truck? Was it hearing “no” from the sales clerk? Was it having to wait until we drove home and arrived at Meme’s house to play? I do not know.

But what I do understand is that in the moment when something seemed hard, my grandson thought: We can do hard things. And he is correct. Together, we can do hard things. He celebrated with clapping and a big grin. My granddaughter, who is even younger, does the same thing. She claps when she stands up unaided. She claps when she grabs a piece of food and manages to get it in her tiny mouth. These kids know how to celebrate small next right steps - and I trust we are learning how to as well!

Working the Twelve Steps may feel all about us when we are crafting our responses to all these lists and noting all our shortcomings but it takes a support team to help us complete the work. I celebrate each and every one of you who even consider this practice! We can do hard things! (I am clapping for you!!)

I pray for you the satisfaction that my grandchildren possess when they complete a task. I pray for you the willingness to celebrate your accomplishment and even your considering change!

Whew! These are all the blogs on the fourth step….for now. Tune in tomorrow for a new topic.

Consequences teach us about ourselves

When we ask God what we should do, the right answers will come if we want them... if I’m willing to grow, if I’m willing to invite God into this area of my life.” Anonymous

Consequences. Sometimes only God can help me deal with those. If you want to explore this part of your life, make a list of the consequences that have come about because of your shortcomings and harmful patterns of behavior. Take stock of how your actions have caused people to react in certain ways. If you continue to work the steps, there is a process that allows you to address how you repair and restore these broken things from your past. I hope it encourages you a bit to know that all the heavy lifting in the restoration department will be God’s. We will follow his lead.

A sampling of common consequences that we have often found on fourth steps: loss of self-worth, virginity, values, boundaries, trust, self-control, self-respect, credit, property, respect of others, intimacy, jobs, marriage, children, spiritual connection with God. Other issues include: guilt, shame, humiliation, rejection, isolation, loneliness, repressed emotions, self-hatred, stress, health issues, financial problems, etc.

Any ring your chimes?

Are you ready to make life changes?

If you’ve been creating an inventory, then you are keenly aware of the lists that we have made. We have asked ourselves the questions in one form or another about the effect these resentments, fears, sexual history, financial security, emotional and even social issues have had on our lives.

When I did my first Fourth Step, many of my responses were focused on blaming others or justifying my reactions. I felt in many instances like a victim. Although these responses were common enough, they were not going to get me where I needed to go on this road to recovery.

How about you? Are you ready to put aside the habitual ways you have been thinking and feeling? Are you ready to DO something different?

Social Inventories

An inventory of your social instincts can be completed by listing your painful social connections in the first column, then answering the following questions:

1. What happened to make this an inventory item?

2. How did this affect you? What do you perceive it cost you?

3. How did you react? What shortcomings of yours were revealed in this situation?

Our social instincts are super important because we are created to be part of community. How are you doing on that front? Have a community? Are you helping your community thrive? Are you allowing your community to help you thrive?

Communities that Support and Strengthen

We are custom-designed for sociability. We were made to live within a community. Each of us, I believe, is created with a certain capacity for virtue and our respective communities need what we have to offer. But like most things under stress, these social instincts can be tainted.

We may feel compelled to love our product (what we crave) and use people. This is bass-ackwards! We are created to thrive when we love people and utilize things to make the world a better place for everyone.

When our social instincts get too compulsive, our natural inclinations turn into obsessive compulsions. We don’t just want to belong, we want to run the group. We are no longer content to collaborate for the good of the group, we compete for resources. We gulp down the resources to feed our endless pit of need. This need may show up as financial, sexual, emotional or material. But however it manifests itself, it distorts our better selves and turns us into greedy gluttons for more more more.

This, obviously, has the opposite of our desired outcome. We sabotage our chances as the group grows weary of our cry for MORE. Intimacy is impossible and settling for merely being an acquaintance is unsatisfying at the deepest spiritual level.

If our desire for social connection is out of proportion with reality, we may make foolish choices. We may go to absurd lengths to feel accepted. But is this manipulation really satisfying? No, because it is manufactured. And too aggressive.

A healthy social instinct supports the reality that each of us is enough, and enough is good. Together, we build a community that supports and strengthens the whole. As we continue our quest for transformation, we develop not only the skills needed for resilience, our presence strengthens any community that we choose to join.