Our Strengths Can Be Our Weaknesses

"Consensus: the process of abandoning all beliefs, principles, values, and policies in search of something in which no one believes, but to which no one objects; the process of avoiding the very issues that have to be solved, merely because you cannot get agreement on the way ahead. What great cause would have been fought and won under the banner: 'I stand for consensus?'"

Margaret Thatcher

When our health insurance provider cancelled our insurance on the day I had an expensive medical test, my patient beloved spouse rose above his limitations to advocate for the company to take responsibility and fix the problem they created. This required him to go against his natural inclination to listen to others and accommodate their points of view.

When the customer service representative told him to call his human resources department, Pete went against his natural inclination to not act decisively and advocate for his own agenda. Now, it's not like we need to bring out a band to celebrate his tenacity - we do not have a human resources department at Northstar Community - which helped Petestand firm.

The point is this: our strengths can also be our weaknesses. Could this be you? What strengths do you have that are also your weaknesses?

A Lesson of Self-Awareness

At Northstar Community, we often talk about our core values as preferable ways to guide us in decision-making. If I value recovery, which I do, I try to support recovery work. MY recovery work. Families say they find this helpful. A friend of mine discovered that he was paying for his son to visit a psychiatrist who was prescribing a stimulant for his adult son's ADHD diagnosis. Dad was very upset because this particular stimulant has been highly addictive to his son in the past and led to lots of negative outcomes. Plus, there had never been a diagnosis of ADHD in his son's medical history. Dad thought he was being a recovery ally by helping his son deal with his mental health issues by paying for treatment but now Dad feels like a sucker who is paying for his son's addictive drug of choice. What's Dad to do? He's been OBSESSED with fixing his son for so very long but lately he's wondering if his efforts are actually hurting his boy.

Dad is anxious and panicky. He wants to call the doctor and give him "a piece of his mind". He wants to yell at his son and ask him, "What the heck are you doing?" But neither of these seem very recovery-friendly. Using his core values (recovery-ally, compassion and kindness) Dad decides that he needs to stop paying for the psychiatrist in order to be kind to himself. He makes an amend to his son about getting up in his business by having access to his medical records and explains that he will no longer be able to pay the psychiatrist's bills that exceed insurance costs (Dad does pay for the insurance premiums because he does not want coverage to lapse) because it is not good for Dad's recovery. No judgment of the doc or the adult son. Just a simple, direct, clear and apologetic communication about a change Dad needs to make in order to apply his core values to himself and others.

I appreciate the way Dad is continuing to learn and apply his core values. He's even chosen to shift the priority of his core values and add "self-care" to the top of his list. He is going to use that money he has been spending each month on his 40 year old son's psychiatrist visits to fund his own self-improvement project by hiring a personal trainer and improving his fitness.

Day 6: Small, Gentle Steps

The fourth antiphon:

O Key of David and sceptre of israel, what You open, no one can close again;

what You close, no one can open.

O come to lead the captive from prison;

free those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death.

O come, Though Key of David, come, and open wide our heavenly home;

make safe the way that leads on high, and close the path to misery:

Rejoice! Rejoice! Immanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

As we light our collective candles from our socially distanced homes, how do we grapple with our responsibility to lead captives from prison? The most logical place to start would be to acknowledge the prisons we know. What prisons have we lived in?

Struggled with depression? How can we advocate for the depressed?

Know the debilitating effects of anxiety? How do we support and encourage calm, peace and serenity in the world?

Know first hand the ravages of substance abuse? How do we support recovery?

So often we believe that our work should be high falutin’ and beyond our personal experience. This is not so!

Tonight, think about your own seasons of darkness, your own times of living in the shadow of death. If you are still there, right now, this minute, who can you reach out to for support? But if you are not, who are you loving, who is where you once were?

Small. Gentle. Next right steps.

Day 6: Small, Gentle Steps

The fourth antiphon:

O Key of David and sceptre of israel, what You open, no one can close again;

what You close, no one can open.

O come to lead the captive from prison;

free those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death.

O come, Though Key of David, come, and open wide our heavenly home;

make safe the way that leads on high, and close the path to misery:

Rejoice! Rejoice! Immanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

As we light our collective candles from our socially distanced homes, how do we grapple with our responsibility to lead captives from prison? The most logical place to start would be to acknowledge the prisons we know. What prisons have we lived in?

Struggled with depression? How can we advocate for the depressed?

Know the debilitating effects of anxiety? How do we support and encourage calm, peace and serenity in the world?

Know first hand the ravages of substance abuse? How do we support recovery?

So often we believe that our work should be high falutin’ and beyond our personal experience. This is not so!

Tonight, think about your own seasons of darkness, your own times of living in the shadow of death. If you are still there, right now, this minute, who can you reach out to for support? But if you are not, who are you loving, who is where you once were?

Small. Gentle. Next right steps.