Closing Thoughts on Positive Faith

In closing out this series on positive faith- here’s what I might like you to takeaway, if I had my druthers. (If you haven’t read the series visit: northstarcommunity.com/devotionals to see what I’m on about).

Faith doesn’t have to be (and shouldn’t be) about:

-Living in shame

-Viewing yourself as bad, wrong, or evil

-Avoiding “bad” behaviors

-Blaming ourselves or others for suffering

Faith can be about:

-A God who comforts, loves, protects, and provides

-Building each other up

-Encouraging each other

-Looking for the good in each other

-Growing as a result of these

Faith and, and should be, a sense of connection to God, our neighbor, ourselves, and even creation itself. This connection provides a sense of peace about our place in the world- as well as a source of joy and hope. Faith encourages us to continue to look life directly in the face, even when it’s difficult, and to refuse to back down. Not because we’re strong or macho, but because we believe God will give us what we need to get from one moment to the next, and because we believe that surviving is the ultimate display of faith in action.

God has designed each of us. You have gifts, and strengths. You have something to offer. Too often faith communities have asked us to ignore, or even suppress, these things because of some wrong-headed notion that it might somehow take attention away from God.

I say no. The things that make you unique only point to beauty and depth of God’s creativity. So, please, if you can, embrace everything that makes you you. I kinda think that’s what God wants.

Affirm Everything and Everyone You Can

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

I facilitated a grief group early in 2021 and one of the things I joked with that group about is that I’m becoming an affirmation evangelist. I don’t think I’ve ever met a person that has said, “Yep, I feel completely and totally affirmed. I’m affirmed everywhere I go, at work, at home, my kids, my wife, everyone heaps affirmation on me.”

Most people struggle to feel affirmed. The reason for this is simple: We don’t offer much explicit affirmation.

And, at the same time, most people really appreciate affirmation. Affirmation is motivating- it helps you feel like your efforts are recognized, and this creates a sense that you belong.

I am, admittedly, terrible at affirming. I’m trying to do it more often- and I think I’m succeeding…but only because I used to affirm not at all. So, something is better than nothing…I guess.

Here are some tips for affirming:

-Make mental notes of things you appreciate about others

-State those mental notes out loud to people who do the things you appreciate. But, here’s the trick, don’t use any “value” language. Don’t say that what the other person did is “good,” or “better,” or even “great.” Simply state it as an observation.

When we use words like, “good,” “better,” or, “best,” we are unintentionally communicating that we’re the ones with the right to judge the qualities of another person- so it sounds condescending even though we don’t mean it to be. It’s sort of the same as saying, “I’m proud of you.” It’s a really nice sentiment- but it’s the same idea- it kind of also says, “I’m higher up than you.”

Here are some examples-

Instead of: You’re a good cook.

Try: Your food is delicious.

Instead of: You showed good perseverance.

Try: You are really diligent.

The trick is to look for qualities that another person displays and to simply notice them. By “qualities” I mean anything you notice and appreciate about another person. Such as: reliability, empathy, timeliness, attentiveness, helpfulness, and so on. Pick a trait that you see in another person and just say, “You are ______.”

You may think that’s too simple and won’t make much of an impact. I assure you- doing this regularly will make far more of an impact than trying to heap praise on a very occasional and irregular basis.

Listening Well

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

Part of living out our faith in a positive way is to create, build, and sustain meaningful connections with others. In so doing we reflect the image of God and, hopefully, pass some of his love on to the world around us. A huge part of establishing connections is done through listening.

We all know at this point the old adage that goes something like, “Are you listening or just waiting to talk?”

Listening well is more than being quiet and more than being curious. It’s the process of discovering another person’s perspective through attentiveness, asking questions, and experimenting with reflecting what you hear to see if it resonates with the other person. Good listening isn’t just hearing what’s there- it’s a collaborative process where the speaker, too, discovers more about themselves than what they’ve been saying.

If you’re not sure where to get started, try this. After someone shares something with you about themselves, say something like, “Let me see if I’ve got this right…” and then summarize what you’ve heard in your own words. This will allow the other person to clarify anything that hasn’t quite landed or to affirm that you’ve gotten things right- which means they will feel validated.

Sticking Together

Blessed is the servant who loves his brother as much when he is sick and useless as when he is well and can be of service to him. And blessed is he who loves his brother as well when he is afar off as when he is by his side, and who would say nothing behind his back he might not, in love, say before his face.

Francis of Assisi

Families are complicated. I’ve never known one that didn’t have at least a hint of sibling rivalry with a sprinkling of uneasy and often shifting sibling alliances. When my own family of origin broke apart almost four years ago, one of the things that my dad reportedly complained about was how close my brother and I were. “Those two. They always stick together.” He said, I assume, with disgust.

Sticking together is not something that can be assumed with siblings. I remember as a child how shocked I was that my own parents did not see their siblings as often and regularly as I thought would be normal. Our siblings are our first playmates and allies, competition, partners in crimes and misdemeanors and fellow witnesses to the same life experiences (if not the same opinions about them).

Yesterday I talked about sharing a tennis court with two brothers who spent their entire match affirming, complimenting, and praising one another. They were decent players but they were outstanding brothers. If I see them again, I swear to you, I am going to ask them the secret to their familial success because, I suspect, that if all of us had that kind of support hope would be an abundant resource.

Imagine a world populated by people with a stubborn commitment to stick together. I know there would be exceptions that were necessary and even required for health reasons. But I still wonder, as I did as a child, why we all aren’t taking better care of one another.

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 NIV

Other People Might Need the Same Things You Need

It’s worth considering that those around us who are hurting might need the same kinds of things that we need when we’re hurting.

Now, on the one hand, we’re all different. No two people have the same needs. But, at the same time, it helps to reflect on what we need when we’re hurting because it can help guide us towards a helpful response to the people who we know who are hurting.

A couple of days ago I reminded us that people who are hurting are difficult to affirm even though they might be the ones who need it the most. It’s likely that receiving affirmation has really helped some of you in the past. And, it’s likely that affirmation will help your hurting loved ones.

Why do I bring this up?

Because we tend to be a bit backwards when it comes to hurting people. We don’t often treat them the way we would want to be treated (yes, The Golden Rule). We instead give advice, or tell them that things will be better soon, or tell them why the problem happened in the first place, etc.

Rarely do we affirm and simply sit with the other person’s struggles. This is a very real spiritual discipline.

Therefore, you should treat people in the same way that you want people to treat you…

Matthew 7:12a

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29