The Restoring Powers of Active Rest!

Active rest is working one function of our humanity while resting other parts. One of my daily breaks is practicing my piano. I'm working my musically inclined part of my brain but my abs are resting comfortably in a soft, cushy puddle around my waist. I try to do at least one house chore a day during a break - fold clothes, clean the bathrooms, something so that my house is reasonably straight at all times. I exercise in one slot. My brain is on complete auto-pilot but those glutes and abs are fighting it out with gusto.

I also sleep. Although at the deepest point in my depression sleep was fitful, it certainly has taught me to appreciate a good night's rest.

Our brain works hard while we sleep; our body restores itself while we sleep; our memories consolidate and new information is integrated into our computer of a brain. I am often grabbing a notebook and pen in the middle of the night when awakened with a sudden thought, idea or insight. If I don't write it down, it's gone by first light.

Relationships are harmed when we are not rested. Anxiety and depression correlate with sleep deprivation. If you're sleeping a ton and still feel unrested, get it check out. You could have sleep apnea or other health problems. Sleep matters; treasure it!

How are you at active resting? Any tweaks you can make to improve your daily life?

Checking Your Core Values

When we try to use our core values to make decisions, we need to be very, very careful and proceed with caution. Why? Because often we are wrong. Some of you remember when a parent was whipping you with a belt (or switch or lead pipe) hearing your parent say, "I am doing this for your own good and because I love you." Maybe parental units were once taught that spanking a kid was good for them - that's not considered great parenting today.

I am particularly fond of all those meme's on Facebook that say something like, "I walked four miles uphill in the snow both ways to school and look how great I turned out." Or the ever popular, "My parents beat me with a paddle, gave me beer to put hair on my chest, and cured my bronchitis with whiskey and honey and look how great I turned out." And we wonder: why do so many of us struggle with substance abuse, anxiety and depression? Are we all really turning out "so great"?

This fits under the category of potential attribution errors. Attribution errors occur when we attribute behavior to external situational factors outside our control. Typically we tend to overemphasize negative motives to people we do not like and positive motives to those we do like. If we do not want to actually wrestle with the effect certain aspects of our childhood had on us, or if we want to blame our childhood for all our problems, we will "attribute" certain memories according to what suits our bias.

We do this with our own core values too. Sometimes we attribute our behavior to self-care when we are actually being selfish. Or we say we are taking a particular action because we love someone when in fact we are judging them.

Here's a suggestion: we should take responsibility for our lives without excuse. When we make a decision, we do not have to explain it or justify it - we take responsibility for it. We own the decision. We do not excuse it in any way. Some of you may be wondering - what? Wait a minute! I was not responsible for what happened to me!!! What the heck do you mean? Tomorrow, I'll do some explaining of my own.

What’s Next?

Last night we went out to the courts and played tennis. It was fun! Our rallies were longer, our score less lopsided in Pete's favor. We realize that that old saying about "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" is oh, so true.

The pandemic locked us up and closed us in. Reports of post-pandemic anxiety disorders and depression are everywhere! Many of us did NOT do an amazing backyard renovation project that we revealed on Instagram. Most of us never got around to cleaning our all our closets or learned about Maria Kondo folding techniques. We're a bit like circus animals who are so conditioned to a small confined space that they never even try to escape - even though escape would be easy!

Listen - we've busted out and we've come back to tell you the truth - so can you! Get out of the routine, mundane, nothing's gonna change mindset! Find your way back to new adventures. Play more! It's perfectly reasonable to acknowledge the impact that the pandemic has had on the world - but I ask you: What are you going to take responsibility for as a result? What are you going to do to change you? How will you change your relationship with anxiety and fear? The world is not our responsibility, although we can be responsible members of our community.

But what is our responsibility is ourselves. What are you going to do next?

Questions for Pondering…

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

In order to become more aware of ourselves, it may also be worth our time to consider regularly asking ourselves some difficult questions about our lives:

What am I afraid of right now, in this moment?

What am I anxious about right now, in this moment?  

What am I angry about?  

What am I proud of?

What am I ashamed of?  

In what sense is my life incomplete?  

In what sense is it full?

In what areas have I failed (or am failing)?  

In what areas have I succeeded?  

These are just some ideas to get you started.  You may want to create your own list based on whatever core set of issues you have.  We all have the capacity to wrestle with each of these emotions and questions (and many more besides), but we tend to have favorites that are more likely to show up than others and more likely to stick around.  

Scott’s thoughts from the future:

I would also add: 

What brings me joy? (Either that you currently do or that you used to do and want to get back to doing)

What are some simple things that bring me pleasure?

How can I add more of these things into my life (without harming other important areas of my life)?

From Powerlessness to Acceptance

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

When we protect ourselves from uncomfortable truths we simultaneously prevent ourselves from discovering the appropriate response to our circumstances because we are not aware of even the need to respond.  Instead we live in reactivity, which is to say, we live un-consciously, allowing our response to the experience to remain hidden from view while our reactions wreak havoc in other unrelated areas.  

For example, we may argue with a partner over the house being dirty to release uncomfortable emotions hidden beneath the surface.  In reality, the only way to release (or let go of) the grief (or whatever uncomfortable thing you're coping with) beneath the surface is to acknowledge and sit with the grief.  When we aren't aware of how powerless we are, or when we fight our encounter with powerlessness, we commit ourselves to the ongoing insanity of letting out the tension beneath the surface only accidentally (as in the dirty house example).  

Accidental releases of tension provide a few minutes of relief, but they never satisfy us in the long run.

2021 Scott thoughts on Scott:

My biggest thought as I continue to read these is how mean I sound in print. Someone should have told me! (Just kidding. No blame shifting here.)

These days I really prefer the term acceptance to powerlessness. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the term powerlessness, of course, it’s just a word. And it happens to be a word with a long and fruitful history in recovery circles. 

I still struggle with reactivity- just as I did when I originally wrote this post. I am improving in the acceptance department though- and this really helps. 

Let’s be honest- a bulk of my conflict (and therefore reactivity) happens in marriage because it’s my “biggest” relationship. One of the other things I see happening over time is that I feel safer as time goes on. I learn that disagreements get resolved, I learn that Brittany and I can work to prioritize each other’s needs, and so on. It can’t be overstated how important a sense of “life safety” is- a sense that you’re seen, understood, and cared for, in managing stress, anxiety, reactivity, and so on. 

So rather than putting all the responsibility on ourselves to be less reactive, perhaps we should also consider prioritizing safe relationships.