Is it Good Judgment or Are You Being Judgemental?

Most Thursday nights I have the pleasure and privilege of participating in our Family and Friends Education Program at NSC, in partnership with some other really great organizations, like VCU's Rams in Recovery. This program is designed to support and educate families seeking recovery for a loved one. It is an amazing group; often, someone wants an "after meeting meeting" - in order to get a bit more personal about unpacking a particular crisis or chronic problem related to the topic of the evening.

One evening we talked about the characteristics that foster change: empathy, compassion, unconditional positive regard, etc. These principles are extremely difficult to figure out how to display when confronting a loved one whose addiction leads them to lie, cheat and steal without apparent remorse. (Which, for the record, is rarely true. Most people have deep shame and remorse about the places the disease takes them.)

"Teresa, I hear what you are saying, but I just do not buy it. There is just no way in hell I can withhold judgment after all my son has done. He's a thief. He's broken all the commandments plus a few no one even thought to mention. I am ashamed of my son and I want him to be ashamed too - maybe then he will change."

Yeah, well, it turns out that shame is not a great motivational tool. It encourages hiding and secrets and isolation. It is not helpful. As I listened to this heartsick parent lament, I realized that we need to have a follow up conversation that distinguishes between being judgmental versus having good judgment.

I was NOT advocating for abandoning good judgment. Good judgment in this instance might mean that these parents not give their kid a key to their home and ask him to water the plants and feed the dog when they go on vacation. That's using poor judgment. That's not living in reality. Their son is not capable of that level of responsibility. A parent can know this without being judgmental about this tough truth. There's a difference.

One of the words I over-use on Thursdays is "tone" - our "tone" matters. When our "tone" comes from a place of radical acceptance, even if we mess up the words, our fumbling is less debilitating. When my grandmother told me to "Stay sweet and do not get stout," her "tone" was deaf, but loving. It was wrong, but not toxic. It was poor advice, but not devastating because it was just so obvious that she loved me. Now, she should not have said it and it was a super bad message to give a woman way deep into anorexia. But its effect was blunted because of the tone, the heart of her message. These sorts of problems need correcting - and, eventually I was able to share with her about my personal struggles and she never, ever repeated those words. But judgmental attitudes are hard to address and far more dangerous.

Differentiating between good judgment and being judgmental is challenging. We often need help figuring it out. That's ok, because in no judgment zones, asking for help is easy.

Find Some Sunshine Today…

“Stand close to people who feel like sunshine.”

Unknown

My niece, my birthday twin, is in labor. I’m a little distracted. I’ve struggled to not be a prickly pear. Absent a pandemic I would have hopped in my car and driven to Georgia to stand or sit or pace with someone during this long wait for our new baby to arrive.

Last night there was a texting fest going on among some of us; much of it was hilarious. As I lay sleepless with anticipation in the middle of the night, I knew with great clarity that for all of us, to stand near to Kaitlin is to “Stand close to people who feel like sunshine.” Kaitlin is a woman who makes the sun look like it is not trying hard enough.

And so I drop my prickly pear attitude and accept what is, instead of wishing for what cannot be and allowing that to dampen my spirit. I wait from afar. I will meet this little peanut the first chance I get. In the meantime, I believe the best thing I can do is carry on and maybe find a little sunshine to spread around to others standing near me on this cold, wet, dreary pandemic day.

May we find some sunshine today, in ourselves and others. Follow the light!

Day 12: The Journey of the Magi

After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in the territory of Judea during the rule of King Herod, magi came from the east to Jerusalem. They asked, “Where is the newborn king of the Jews? We’ve seen his star in the east, and we’ve come to honor him.”

When King Herod heard this, he was troubled, and everyone in Jerusalem was troubled with him. He gathered all the chief priests and the legal experts and asked them where the Christ was to be born. They said, “In Bethlehem of Judea, for this is what the prophet wrote:

You, Bethlehem, land of Judah,

by no means are you least among the rulers of Judah,

because from you will come one who governs,

who will shepherd my people Israel.”

Then Herod secretly called for the magi and found out from them the time when the star had first appeared. He sent them to Bethlehem, saying, “Go and search carefully for the child. When you’ve found him, report to me so that I too may go and honor him.” When they heard the king, they went; and look, the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stood over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were filled with joy. They entered the house and saw the child with Mary his mother. Falling to their knees, they honored him. Then they opened their treasure chests and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Because they were warned in a dream not to return to Herod, they went back to their own country by another route.

Matthew 2:1-12 CEB

Herod had no intentions of honoring the newborn king. Kings don’t like competition! King Herod was troubled, as was everyone in Jerusalem. The magi were not troubled, although they went to a lot of trouble to travel and honor the newborn. They brought gifts too.

I find this remarkable. The story says these magi were from another country – and yet they travel far to pay homage to one who is not their own. I imagine these magi made a series of life choices to arrive at a place in life where they could empty themselves for the purpose of showing up and bringing gifts to a child.

Who is the most vulnerable and weakest friend, acquaintance or enemy you know? How might you extend yourself in a way that offers them a gift? Maybe they are not a person who is someone you feel safe around - can you pray from afar? Can you love, expecting nothing in return? It’s ok if the answer is no, because God’s love is not dependent on your behavior or even your attitude. But it might be something to think about as you move toward a new year with perhaps new desires and goals for your life.

Day 12: The Journey of the Magi

After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in the territory of Judea during the rule of King Herod, magi came from the east to Jerusalem. They asked, “Where is the newborn king of the Jews? We’ve seen his star in the east, and we’ve come to honor him.”

When King Herod heard this, he was troubled, and everyone in Jerusalem was troubled with him. He gathered all the chief priests and the legal experts and asked them where the Christ was to be born. They said, “In Bethlehem of Judea, for this is what the prophet wrote:

You, Bethlehem, land of Judah,

by no means are you least among the rulers of Judah,

because from you will come one who governs,

who will shepherd my people Israel.”

Then Herod secretly called for the magi and found out from them the time when the star had first appeared. He sent them to Bethlehem, saying, “Go and search carefully for the child. When you’ve found him, report to me so that I too may go and honor him.” When they heard the king, they went; and look, the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stood over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were filled with joy. They entered the house and saw the child with Mary his mother. Falling to their knees, they honored him. Then they opened their treasure chests and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Because they were warned in a dream not to return to Herod, they went back to their own country by another route.

Matthew 2:1-12 CEB

Herod had no intentions of honoring the newborn king. Kings don’t like competition! King Herod was troubled, as was everyone in Jerusalem. The magi were not troubled, although they went to a lot of trouble to travel and honor the newborn. They brought gifts too.

I find this remarkable. The story says these magi were from another country – and yet they travel far to pay homage to one who is not their own. I imagine these magi made a series of life choices to arrive at a place in life where they could empty themselves for the purpose of showing up and bringing gifts to a child.

Who is the most vulnerable and weakest friend, acquaintance or enemy you know? How might you extend yourself in a way that offers them a gift? Maybe they are not a person who is someone you feel safe around - can you pray from afar? Can you love, expecting nothing in return? It’s ok if the answer is no, because God’s love is not dependent on your behavior or even your attitude. But it might be something to think about as you move toward a new year with perhaps new desires and goals for your life.

Day 14: The Story of Joseph

The birth of Jesus took place like this. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. Before they came to the marriage bed Joseph discovered she was pregnant. (It was by the Holy Spirit, but he didn’t know that.) Joseph, chagrined but noble, determined to take care of things quietly so Mary would not be disgraced.

While he was trying to figure a way out, he had a dream. God’s angel spoke in the dream: “Joseph, son of David, don’t hesitate to get married. Mary’s pregnancy is Spirit-conceived. God’s Holy Spirit has made her pregnant. She will bring a son to birth, and when she does, you, Joseph, will name him Jesus – ‘God saves’ – because he will save his people from their sins.” This would bring the prophet’s embryonic sermon to full term: Watch for this – a virgin will get pregnant and bear a son.

They will name him Immanuel (Hebrew for ‘God is with us’).

Isaiah 7

Then Joseph woke up. He did exactly what God’s angel commanded in the dream: He married Mary. But he did not consummate the marriage until she had the baby. He named the baby Jesus.

Matthew 1:18-25, The Message

What did it take for Joseph to do EXACTLY what God’s angel commanded? It’s a fantastic story, so long as it keeps its distance from us! But God refuses to keep his distance. He moves in on us - gently, lovingly, graciously and mercifully. But he moves in nonetheless.

He gives and he asks. His giving is not dependent upon us answering all his questions, “YES!” because he gives out of a wellspring of lovingkindness. I find this incentivizing in a world that often feels like love is conditional.

Joseph was an ordinary guy asked to do an extraordinary thing. Most of us will never be asked to do something so extraordinary. So with the pressure off - what would you be willing to do as an expression of loving (attitude) kindness (action)?