Choosing the Right Connections

Stressed out people often have an unmet hunger for connection, and may go looking for connection in inappropriate places. Sometimes, it's all about availability. Other times, we are not making wise choices. Who knows all the reasons we settle for relationships that do not satisfy our need for trust and authenticity?

Here are some signs to look out for:

1. If you keep asking yourself, "Am I crazy or is this inappropriate/wrong, etc.?" Find trusted advisors for a reality check, but chances are, if you are feeling crazy, someone may be gaslighting you. (Gaslighting - when someone persistently puts forth a false narrative so that you will doubt your own perceptions.)

2. If you feel "not enough." None of us are enough; we are not supposed to be enough. We are fully human. If other people keep sending you the message that you are not enough, you need new peeps! Who are our people? People who see our flaws, weaknesses and insecurities and love us because of them! Our people are the ones who do not expect us to "meet expectations." Our people are not in denial, they are just not demanding. Find your people!!

3. If you are sad. Sadness is the canary in the tunnel we watch out for. Sadness is the signal that we need to reach out and grab a hand for support.

4. If you are filled with rage. Rage is telling us to pay attention. Instead of using it for evil, find people who can help you use it for fuel to create safety and security for yourself or others.

Your Circle of Trust…

One of the hardest things for me to accept while I was trying to repair my broken self was the idea that people I love are not always trustworthy. I am the kind of person who takes a little time to decide if I can trust someone, but once I make that call, I am ALL IN. I never re-evaluate. This has caused me great distress.

To avoid having to re-evaluate relationships, I had this bad habit of making excuses for people and requiring more of myself in some relationships. By all outward appearances, it seemed that in some relationships, I would do all the "giving" and someone else was allowed to do all the "being." I rationalized this as being kind. It is not kind. It is unhealthy.

To find my way back to joy, I had to step over some dead bodies and just let them lay there. I had to do an appraisal. I had to think back and remember - is this relationship both authentic and trustworthy...or is it not. In order to thrive, we all have to make some tough calls. Some people we just have to let go of - even if we really like them, even if we understand why they are behaving as they are, even if we love them.

We must keep walking. Once we have assessed and determined this is our course, we do not ruminate over the past, we use the past to propel us forward with new tools for building and nurturing relationships.

Here's why: relationships, trusting and authentic ones, are crucial for mental health. We cannot live without them. But we need to be selective. Some people need to be let go, others need to be moved to the outside of our circle of trust. This is not judgmental, this is using discernment. This is not saying someone else is bad and we are better, it is acknowledging that, for whatever reason, we are not a good fit for one another.

Do you find it as hard as I do to admit that not everyone is our friend?

A Creative…

"View your life from your funeral: Looking back at your life experiences, what have you accomplished? What would you have wanted to accomplish but didn't? What were the happy moments? What were the sad? What would you do again, and what wouldn't you do?"

Victor Frankl

My go-get-'em tiger friends on occasion take short cuts; they do not worry about perfection; they want results. Which is why it is also good to know influencers who inspire through creativity. One of my sons is about to release his second album. It is so good. I keep telling him that he should release a recommended reading list of books on history, philosophy, sports and politics that have inspired his lyrics. The musical vibe may be cheerful and even a bit pop-ish at times. The beat gets my feet moving. But the message? Wow. It is broad and long and deep.

Creatives long for and require authenticity; they stand close to their values in all they do. They inspire me.

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?

Estrangement

For decades I was afraid of anger. I didn't mind a little righteous indignation on behalf of another person now and again, but I would go to great lengths to not get angry with the people I loved. I excused, ignored, justified and rationalized bad behavior so long as the naughty person was someone I loved. It was exhausting.

I did not know that love and anger are companions; I had rarely witnessed anger as a normal response to loving one another. When we were first married Pete would sometimes express normal and appropriate anger. It would totally freak me out. He learned over the years to deal with his anger in ways that did not scare me, which basically meant trying to figure out how to handle conflict in ways I could tolerate - which was really unfair to him. We're lucky, I suppose, that we survived my anger-phobia. Getting angry is part and parcel of intimacy and love. Paul certainly knew that when he wrote in the book of Ephesians, "Be angry but do not sin...Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ as forgiven you." (Ephesians 4 and 5 is a good read.)

Anger is an emotion that is beneficial so long as we learn how to use it for good and not evil. It serves as a signal that we need to pay attention to something. Maybe there is a threat - or perhaps, a perceived threat that is actually no threat at all. Maybe anger is trying to teach us something we need to learn about ourselves - like, hypothetically speaking, we need a good therapist to help us sort through why anger freaks us out. Anger gets our body ready for a response. Often anger is just a good cover for fear. Whatever. They are both trying to get our attention.

Denying anger is the way I tried to cope; I can tell you, it is a short term solution if you're uncertain how to proceed but a lousy long term strategy for caring about yourself and others. Virtuous living is a beautiful thing - but no where is it considered a virtue to numb yourself from feeling your feelings.

As I said yesterday, Jesus is not trying to break people up but he does offer us ways to see and be in the world that allows for authentic human expressions of all kinds. Are there any emotional barriers between you ad your own authentic living?

There is No Cure For Being Human

“There are some things you can choose and some you can’t. And it’s ok that life isn’t always getting better... Life is a chronic condition and there is no cure for being human.”

Kate Bowler

There is no cure for being human. There is no cure for being you. Accepting this is not giving up, it’s learning how to live without illusion. I have had a variety of experiences in my life when people have shared with me the nature of my humanity. It has not always been pretty.

Evidently, I can be quite the disappointment. But here’s the thing and I hope we do not miss this point: this is the nature of being human. We are all human beings and we are all, at some point, disappointments.

That is in many ways beside the point.

The point, I think, is to find those people who are with us when we are our most disappointing. Find those people who say, “Yeah, yeah, but you are MY disappointment and I love you to pieces.”

Stop trying to NOT be a disappointment; really, stop it right now. It’s holding us all back from creating a kingdom where God wants to come hang out. (Although he’s God and he’s crazy about us, so even our most disappointing efforts are no match for his mercy.)

Instead, find people who can handle you warts and all. If we find those people? Oh boy - we are at least one foot inside the perimeter of heaven. And hopefully it will teach us how to be that kind of person for others.

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we really are.”

Brené Brown