Re-Framing Failure

Here is the thing about failure. It's like problems. It is inevitable. We will always have problems and we will always experience failure as long as we live. This is called reality. And it's not all bad news. Failure inspires innovation and creativity. Aren't sticky notes, one of my favorite school supplies EVER, the result of a failure to create something else?

Why, oh why, do we ever think that avoiding failures and problems is even a thing? It's NOT a thing.

So here is what is THE thing: horrific failures and huge disappointments are inevitable. The question is, what are we going to do about them? Are we going to allow them to define us or will we use them to teach us? I am sure there are plenty of GIFs and memes about how failure is a good thing. Failure is not a good thing. It is a useful necessity.

So I personally do not celebrate failure. I cry and pout and gnash my teeth and eat a jar of peanut butter. But eventually, I try to leverage the experience for change. Pain, it turns out, is necessary for growth.

So while we are all running around and trying to avoid failure, I ask you to reconsider: what are we losing by playing small, by being so afraid of failure that we shortchange our potential for growth...and dare I say it, even success.

Confronting Unpleasant Reality

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

An outburst is a sign that we need help, but people generally don't experience outbursts that way.  It tends to be that people on the receiving end of an outburst see the person who "outbursted" as a person to avoid.  

In other words, living unconsciously sets us up for rather severe consequences.  We blow up as an unconscious reaction to unpleasant realities and these tantrums create the opportunity for isolation.

It is never easy to confront an unpleasant reality, and that is why we develop extensive defense mechanisms that protect us from its effects.  We may need that for a time, but if we refuse to confront whatever the difficult circumstance is forever then we continue to perpetuate a cycle of harm done from unconscious living.  

But, perhaps more importantly, we will not know ourselves and others will not have the opportunity to know us or walk alongside us in the midst of difficult times.  If we're content to react to whatever is beneath our surface unconsciously then we miss the opportunity to listen to ourselves, deal with pain, share the pain, and find community.

New me vs. Old me:

I don’t really disagree with this post- though I would highlight in a more obvious way a really complicated push-pull dynamic in life when it comes to trying to manage our own reactivity. Yes, on the one hand, it’s important to find ways to regulate ourselves so that people enjoy being around us (or have the potential to). On the other hand, wouldn’t it be nice if we could all be gracious with and to one another when we’re struggling? 

We need both.

Change and More Change

For decades I refused to weigh myself. I reasoned that weighing myself multiple times a day was a symptom of my eating disorder and concluded that continuing the practice was not good for my health. There are some haunts, humans and habits that need to be eliminated in early recovery; weighing myself was one of mine. It was a good decision in the early years of my journey. In early recovery weighing myself would have been a triggering behavior. My brain was so re-wired for disordered eating that any actions associated with the disease had to go.

A few years ago my trainer, also in recovery from an eating disorder, challenged me about this avoidance technique. She asked, “Do you think your recovery is not robust enough to handle an honest measuring every now and then?” She clarified her comment by assuring me that she was not encouraging me to step on a scale. What she was asking me was if stepping on a scale was still a trigger.

Step Ten requires great moral courage. We have to examine our actions in the moment. We ask ourselves if our behavior and feelings and thoughts are congruent with the intentions we have set for ourselves. When they do not, we admit and correct as needed.

My trainer was asking me to be a person of courage and reconsider my actions. Ultimately, I chose to re-introduce the scale on a limited basis. Later she admitted to me that she wanted me to know that I was objectively healthy. I was “normal” by all health standards.

She had this sneaky suspicion that my avoidance was less about healthy recovery and more about fearing that I was abnormal, not well, disordered. Of course, this required me to humbly accept her words of encouragement as truth. Again, not easy but necessary.

A tenth step is as vital for identifying change and progress and results from our efforts as it is about catching problems early before they get out of hand.