When Direct Amends is Impossible or Ill-Advised

What do we do in situations where the direct amends are either impossible (death, don’t know how to contact them, you are reasonably sure your contact would be unwanted) or unwise? We make a living amend.

I know a guy who sexually assaulted a woman during a drunken party in a fraternity house. Years later, he has gotten sober and this story and his bad acts haunt him. He does not know the girl’s name and contact is impossible. He has chosen to make his amends by making financial restitution for her suffering by giving generously every month to a local organization that specializes in supporting women who have been sexually abused.

Another gal I know has been ordered by the court to have no contact with her children. Her parental rights are terminated. Sober and financially successful, she went to an attorney and figured out a way to set up a college fund for each of her children. This fund will be made available at the appropriate time and the source of the funds will remain anonymous. Her weekly contribution to these funds serves as an offering of love to children she lost because of her abuse of them while she was using. As she makes the deposit each week, she prays for her children, expresses gratitude to the adoptive parents for their love and care for them. This act of restitution has become a sacred moment for her at the end of every week.

Sometimes a letter is the way to go. I have a friend who wrote an amends letter to her deceased father and traveled across the country to sit at the foot of his grave and read her letter to him.

In each of these situations, my friends received wise counsel as they wrestled with whether a direct, or indirect amends, was the way to go. In all cases, the decision was made based on the potential of harm to the offended person or others.