Mirror, Mirror

If our brain, limited as it is, jumps to conclusions and makes some assumptions early in life, it is pretty darn hard to get those pesky and wrong-headed beliefs and thoughts to vacate the premises. Honestly, I liken it to a Christmas miracle.

How does it happen? I do not know, but I can share a bit about what happened to me.

I had some really, really gentle and great mirroring. The mirror effect is a reflection of one's self through the gaze of others. Gentle mirroring can build rapport and trust, if done with discernment and wisdom. Here is the trick. We all have "mirror neurons" in the parietal lobe region of the brain. It is located at the upper back area in the skull. It processes sensory information and is really quite good at picking up cues like anxiety (which is why anxiety is catching) and whatnot.

Some people, due to the way their own brain is built with its own set of preconceived notions, are like fun house mirrors. They PROJECT their image of themselves on you. For example, if I am feeling anxious, I might project on Pete by saying, "Are you ok? How are you feeling? Is something bothering you?" I'm the one having all the feelings, but I am projecting my feelings on him, maybe even my thoughts and beliefs.

Another fun house mirror distortion is INTROJECTION. A person walks into a room and notices someone who is feeling uncomfortable, agitated, sad. And the person who walked into the room feeling happy and excited for the dinner party all of a sudden thinks, "Wow. Something is wrong with me. I'm feeling uncomfortable, agitated and sad." No, they are not. They just picked up someone else's vibes and confused them with their own.

So here's what I learned that is really important. Your mirrors matter. Once I did not have so much exposure to fun house mirrors, the voices in my life began to sing a song, in sync and perfect rhythm that kept reflecting back to me, "You can make mistakes. You do not have to be responsible for making everyone happy or solving their problems. Get some new problems. Your problems. What problems do you want to solve that are yours?"

So, if no one has ever said this to you before, let me channel my inner Mary Oliver and paraphrase her - each of us only has one wild and precious life - what do you want to do with yours? What problems do you have to solve to live it? Do you need to go back to school? Do you need therapy? Do you want to do some Enneagram work with me or someone else who guides you through the growth path most suited for you? Do you want to change jobs? Do you want to change houses? Do you want to play a bit better tennis or golf or tiddlywinks? Solve those problems.

The Heart of Authenticity

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

Brené Brown

Our true self has its best chance of showing up when we give her room to breathe. We allow her to live within the context of living a true life, as opposed to a false one. This is the heart of authenticity.

I must be careful in my assessment of true versus false or else I get off track. How do we decide what is true versus false? For me, it springs from the foundation of my faith, my life experiences, my strengths and my suffering - all of which invite me to consider what it might mean to live a true life.

Oh my goodness - this search for living a true life is fraught with complications!

We deceive ourselves (and others) and are deceived about truth. We justify and rationalize our choices. I remember when my father was chasing me upstairs from our basement whipping me with a belt. He kept saying, “This is for your own good. You have to learn to listen to me.” He was, in effect, justifying this spanking as true and good - part of his parental responsibility. For a long, long time, I accepted his explanation.

My brothers had just managed to push me and the little red wagon I was riding in through a glass sliding door, out onto a small concrete slab, down a grassy hill and into a creek. I was in too much shock to listen to anything. The sting of that belt on my already bruised legs did not turn on my “listening ears”. My shame was inflamed, my humiliation complete as I opened that basement door into a hallway that opened into the living room where my folks were hosting a party. Tiny shards of glass sparkled in my hair; pinpricks of blood dotted my arm. I saw people gasp and stare, I assumed they were seeing a very very bad little girl. After that, my memory goes dark.

All of us will face experiences that we cannot process in real time. Hopefully, with guidance, we can circle back through our memories and the teachings of our childhood. We can evaluate them. We can edit our belief systems, thought patterns and the habits they produce. We can make choices that are more honest because we own them. Although I have made many, many mistakes as a parent, I have CHOSEN to believe that hitting children with a belt (or any object) is not good for them. I have CHOSEN to accept the reality that what it felt like is what it was - abusive. I have CHOSEN to listen to and learn from others who do not feel that physical punishment of this nature is helpful for teaching children how to listen.

So this search for our true self and our true way of living? It requires a ton of excavation and examination of our assumptions and beliefs, our certainty and our shadow. When we know better we do better, which I think is the best we can all hope for in a life filled with choices and decisions that do not always spring for our conscious, most true self.