Questions for Pondering…

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

In order to become more aware of ourselves, it may also be worth our time to consider regularly asking ourselves some difficult questions about our lives:

What am I afraid of right now, in this moment?

What am I anxious about right now, in this moment?  

What am I angry about?  

What am I proud of?

What am I ashamed of?  

In what sense is my life incomplete?  

In what sense is it full?

In what areas have I failed (or am failing)?  

In what areas have I succeeded?  

These are just some ideas to get you started.  You may want to create your own list based on whatever core set of issues you have.  We all have the capacity to wrestle with each of these emotions and questions (and many more besides), but we tend to have favorites that are more likely to show up than others and more likely to stick around.  

Scott’s thoughts from the future:

I would also add: 

What brings me joy? (Either that you currently do or that you used to do and want to get back to doing)

What are some simple things that bring me pleasure?

How can I add more of these things into my life (without harming other important areas of my life)?

The Gift of Guilt

"I'll never get over my guilt," is a sentence I hear often from parents who have suffered the traumatic loss of a child (and all losses of children are traumatic - even if they are grown up when we lose them).

If we stay in this place of ruminating over our regrets and guilt, we are spared a bit from the acknowledgement of all our loss. Maybe it is easier to talk about our feelings of guilt than it is to live with the reality of all the things that will not happen now that they are gone.

It is all HARD. Guilt is crushing; mourning is like having heart surgery without anesthesia - every damn day.

But here's the thing - guilt is not really a gift unless it is true, legitimate wrongdoing - if that is true, then we know how to proceed: ask for forgiveness and make amends. However, it is usually not the whole story. Sometimes we give ourselves too much credit for what we perceive we can (or should) control. Secondly, it is expensive. Unremitting, unresolved feelings of guilt steals the present moment. It takes us away from the living.

Guilt, the lying little bugger, tells us that it serves as a living tribute to the loss. But guilt really just keeps stealing from the living. Guilt asks us to keep dying for our dead - and that sounds noble, even preferable to our grief over another's passing.

But what if there is another way? What if we acknowledge the specifics of what we cannot undo that was 'wrong' and refuse the offering of a generalized guilty feeling with no legitimate claim to reality? We acknowledge our legitimate wrongdoing and seek forgiveness, make amends. If we find that some of the beliefs that we have held about our guilt are simply not true, then we must move forward. We live. We live to honor the lost. We live well for those among us, our other children, our family that is still present for us to love well.

These are not easy things nor are they appropriate first responses for someone new to grief. But if we find that our grief is interfering with our love for others - maybe it is time to re-evaluate the ways we have thought about our loss. Maybe we need a grief counselor or a grief group to help us reframe our habitual way of thinking about our suffering.

Maybe we need some support for healing.

What if You’re Wrong?

Jesus showed us that we need to open our minds to think differently (the parables are all written to shock the listener into a new way of seeing, or what about when Jesus said, "you heard it said but I say unto you"...), we need to make different choices (love your enemy he said, visit Samaria he encouraged, love God more than your family is suggested, etc.), that we need to not just assume a feeling is a fact (fear not the angels keep telling us)... We need to get way more curious about things we believe we are right about and the things we think others are wrong about.

Here's my favorite question I hate to ask myself, "What if I am wrong?"

I'd suggest that each of us take a thought, belief, feeling or action that we THINK we are right about and turn it on its head. Let's ask ourselves - what if we are wrong? Go looking for the counter-position. Study it. See what you can learn. But remember - we have to be willing to start from the position of possibly wrong, not a defensive position of condescension.

What is Beneficial?

In a recent weekend message, Scott (co-pastor at Northstar Community and my son too) asked us to think about, without ruminating, on this idea that we are following a long line of people throughout history who have wrestled with conflicts due to political differences, religious beliefs and even eating habits!

Just because something is technically legal doesn't mean that it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims.

1 Corinthians 6:12 The Message

He reminded us that we are free but there are bumper pads (like the ones for bowlers who cannot bowl), limitations to our freedom, for those seeking to be a person of faith. One of those bumpers involves asking the question, "Is this beneficial?" or to quote Eugene Peterson "spiritually appropriate." I wonder: who benefits? Who decides what is spiritually appropriate?

That's a big question. Who benefits? What is beneficial? You will notice in Corinthians - everyone thought what they were believing was righteous, good, and many felt differently on the same subject. They could not get consensus. So this is a big question: What does beneficial look like? I cannot answer this question with any degree of satisfaction, but I do know one thing, and I want to wrestle with that one thing a bit tomorrow.

For today, I ask you: what would happen if we all started asking ourselves daily - is this choice spiritually appropriate?

Uncomfortable Closeness

We do not need the news accounts about famous men kissing women against their will to know that physical boundary violations are common place. It's called assault (and worse) but when we experience it, we may not realize that it is happening. It's not usually a stranger who crosses these physical boundaries; the offending relative does not always appear creepy.

It can be a trusted grandfather (or grandmother), a sibling, or parent. Stroking, hugging, touching, even tickling - anything that feels uncomfortable is a violation. Few children tell. Is the problem in need of a solution to form better physical boundaries? That would be helpful.

But what is even more crucial is for all of us to foster in ourselves and others healthy emotional boundaries. For my junior prom, I went with a guy I barely knew. Mistake #1. But my friends really wanted me to be there and in 1973, that required a date. He had a purple corvette and it matched my dress - I liked that. He seemed nice enough as I got to know him. But on prom night we both had very different expectations. We were not out of my neighborhood before he pulled out a bottle of alcohol and began his pre-party preparations. This was not ok with me.

That guy crossed a boundary and I was exercising my right to say no. I ended up going home with a different, lovely friend (whose own date soon hooked up with my date). All is well that ends well. But why was I willing to put up such a strong boundary so quickly with a guy whose really cool car matched my dress?

For whatever reason, I had strong emotional boundaries in that moment. My strong feeling of discomfort out-weighed any other considerations.

Even afterwards, when the switcharoo was the talk of the school and my parents, who chaperoned, were totally freaked out when they saw my date leave with another, none of that bothered or embarrassed me. No angst. I was at perfect peace - and had a lovely, lovely time.

It turns out that our feelings provide us with lots of guidance if we listen carefully; they also connect us with meaning. I was willing to ride home with my befuddled parents if absolutely necessary, but I was not willing to step into that purple corvette with a guy who was going to drink his way through the evening. No way. Not going to happen. My core values, my self-image, my beliefs? I could not tell you any of them at that time. But I had a feeling and I went with it. No I did not want a drink. No I did not want to go to his friend's house before prom. His response, "I had a feeling you were that kind of girl." Yep. Even he had feelings!

When we do not have strong emotional boundaries, we cannot execute on our appropriate physical boundaries. Young girls who do not feel safe and secure within their family are not going to feel equipped to squeal on Uncle Jimmy with the wandering hands. If we want our kids to learn how to protect themselves in the physical world, it is important to figure out how to support healthy emotional boundaries. If we keep beating ourselves up for making poor, inexplicable choices, stop that! Instead, consider the possibility that it is time to explore the wellness of our own emotional boundaries.