Affirm Everything and Everyone You Can

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

I facilitated a grief group early in 2021 and one of the things I joked with that group about is that I’m becoming an affirmation evangelist. I don’t think I’ve ever met a person that has said, “Yep, I feel completely and totally affirmed. I’m affirmed everywhere I go, at work, at home, my kids, my wife, everyone heaps affirmation on me.”

Most people struggle to feel affirmed. The reason for this is simple: We don’t offer much explicit affirmation.

And, at the same time, most people really appreciate affirmation. Affirmation is motivating- it helps you feel like your efforts are recognized, and this creates a sense that you belong.

I am, admittedly, terrible at affirming. I’m trying to do it more often- and I think I’m succeeding…but only because I used to affirm not at all. So, something is better than nothing…I guess.

Here are some tips for affirming:

-Make mental notes of things you appreciate about others

-State those mental notes out loud to people who do the things you appreciate. But, here’s the trick, don’t use any “value” language. Don’t say that what the other person did is “good,” or “better,” or even “great.” Simply state it as an observation.

When we use words like, “good,” “better,” or, “best,” we are unintentionally communicating that we’re the ones with the right to judge the qualities of another person- so it sounds condescending even though we don’t mean it to be. It’s sort of the same as saying, “I’m proud of you.” It’s a really nice sentiment- but it’s the same idea- it kind of also says, “I’m higher up than you.”

Here are some examples-

Instead of: You’re a good cook.

Try: Your food is delicious.

Instead of: You showed good perseverance.

Try: You are really diligent.

The trick is to look for qualities that another person displays and to simply notice them. By “qualities” I mean anything you notice and appreciate about another person. Such as: reliability, empathy, timeliness, attentiveness, helpfulness, and so on. Pick a trait that you see in another person and just say, “You are ______.”

You may think that’s too simple and won’t make much of an impact. I assure you- doing this regularly will make far more of an impact than trying to heap praise on a very occasional and irregular basis.

Seen and Worthy

“Remember, the deepest desire of the human heart is to belong… to be welcomed… to know that you are seen and worthy.”

Rachel Macy Stafford

I spent some of the best years of my life in a tenth grade class, trying to teach tenth graders to fall in love with not only God but the scriptures that teach us about his story. In each class there were the cool kids, the not-so-cool kids and the kids who defied a label. I loved them all to pieces. They taught me an amazing lesson that I’ve never forgotten. The “labels” that the rest of the community put on them never seemed to translate into lived experience. The cool kids whispered to me of their loneliness with the same frequency as the kids who actually LOOKED lonely. And they were lonely too. All of them - lonely. All of them - swore they did not fit in and no one loved them.

I learned from these confessions. I learned that it does not matter how much you are welcomed, or who invites you to belong - if you cannot accept the truth that you are seen and worthy, there is not enough belonging and welcoming in the world that will make it feel true.

Yes, the deepest desire of the human heart is to belong and be welcomed and to know that we are seen and worthy. BUT THIS IS AN INSIDE JOB. No one can “give” us this, we have to accept it. We must accept our inherent worthiness and then we must live into it.

This acceptance will be hard fought and will necessarily require that we beat back our insecurities and our perceived victimhood. It will feel unnatural. Unless I had the most amazing run of years of having uniquely lonely kids in my class, which I do not think is possible, this acceptance and belonging that we long for is not something we just take to like a duck to water when it presents itself.

Instead of asking the world to prove to us our worthiness, what if we began today, right now, with a commitment to the belief that we (and everyone else) are inherently worthy? We do belong. We are welcome. Sometimes we have to believe it before there is evidence to support our audacious belief. But the belief aligns with the story of God and I like our odds that it will ultimately prove true.

In December 1954 a committee that the state of North Carolina should find the way to meet the requirements of the Supreme Court’s decision in Brown v. Board of Education that segregation on the basis of race was unconstitutional. By the late summer of 1957 ONLY a dozen children of color were enrolled in traditionally white schools. In 1961 the number had increased to 200 children in 11 districts. It was a slow start, but the ball was rolling. I want to know how those dozen children felt. I want to know what it was like for the first 200 to blaze a trail. Most of all, I hope they knew that they were inherently worthy. For those kids and for us, even those of us who have never had to experience that kind of exclusion - we all struggle to feel worthy. How can we make this a little easier for one another?

What Do You Need?

If I were drawing a road map for recovery, I would be a different human because I cannot draw.  But I do have some thoughts on the general structure of the long and winding road to healing.  Here’s something to consider.

My toddler friends have got it going on.  They state their needs and wants with shrill clarity.  If we do not hit the mark, that’s ok, but it’s not like they just sit down and take our inadequacy.  Norah likes protein bars, but not the peanut butter or chocolate ones.  Christian likes the peanut butter protein bars, hates the chocolate ones but will take them anyway and just stuff them in a couch cushion.  They all taste the same to me.  Sometimes I try to trick them if I am out of one or the other.  It never works.  They don’t judge me, they just do not eat the bar.

Eventually, these kids will grow up and lose their innocent demands for everything they want.  We call that maturity.  I’m starting to wonder if it is best described as trauma.  Look, I’m not looking for turning the world into a bunch of spoiled brats.  

What I am suggesting is that we have lost our mojo as adults in this area.  Or maybe it is just me?  Definitely this is a me problem.  

But I wonder...do others also need to hear that their needs are not a problem?  That it is perfectly fine to have wants too?  That expressing such things is helpful for both the asker and the receiver?

We learn from the process.

We learn about each other.  

We learn who can hold our requests and who cannot.  

None of these discoveries is inherently a bad thing.

I think one of my childhood experiences included being careful what you ask for so as not to get disappointed.  But my friend Ginny once taught me that if you do not ask, you never get a “yes”.  That’s good advice.

So for today, maybe think about what you need and then consider who the appropriate person is to express that need to.  Consider what you want, and ask yourself how you can take responsibility to make that happen.

Joy and Belonging

The last thing I’ll say on joy is this: you’ll find it where you find acceptance and total belonging. You’ll find it where you find grace, mercy, forgiveness, and peace.

In the Western world, we live an increasingly isolated existence where our primary sources of connection are digital (social media) and we think of television personalities as the mouthpieces for our views- for the real “truth.” We don’t find belonging on Reddit, or in the comments sections of Facebook posts or news outlets. These things do not connect us- they isolate us. We will find no joy without belonging.

So, find a place to belong. Truly belong. Find a place where the people, when you expose a dark piece of yourself, do not react. A place where people do not tear you down but build you up. A place where you are not rejected because you haven’t grown fast enough or, even better, where you are not rejected because you’ve gotten worse! Sometimes we will get worse- and we need a place that allows us to belong even then.

There is no joy where there is no belonging. All of the rest of the posts this month are moot if you do not belong.

Find a place to belong and you will discover joy.

Generosity

I have not always appreciated generosity for the gift it is.  Generosity isn’t just about sharing the last cookie or perhaps making a sacrificial financial donation to a worthy cause - I understand that kind of generosity and have myself been the grateful recipient of such generosity.

Generosity from Brown’s perspective is new to me.  Here’s what she says, “Learning how to set the boundaries that allow us to be generous in our assumptions about others.  The challenge is being honest and clear with others about what’s okay and not okay.”  p. 150 Braving the Wilderness

What does this mean?

Here’s how it works with me.  If my husband does something that irritates me, I am quick to assume the worst.  I might think - he did that to irritate me.  He doesn’t care about me.  He doesn’t understand me.  My husband is a jerk.  This is the opposite of Brene’s call to generosity.

When my husband does something to irritate me and I remember to be generous in my assumptions - I might think:  Huh.  What’s that all about?  I wonder what he was thinking and I am curious to ask him about his choice.  Is he doing okay?  Is he tired?  Does he need help?

Generous assumptions result in curiosity and inquiry, not judgment.

As I am learning to practice Brene’s kind of generosity, our conflict has decreased and my sense of love and well-being has increased.  It’s really lovely.

For the most part, my husband does not wake up in the morning and set out to drive me nuts.  He is doing the best he can and it is quite wonderful.  Living generously, I can say the same about me.  

Why not live more generously?  How can it possibly hurt?