Affirm Everything and Everyone You Can

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

I facilitated a grief group early in 2021 and one of the things I joked with that group about is that I’m becoming an affirmation evangelist. I don’t think I’ve ever met a person that has said, “Yep, I feel completely and totally affirmed. I’m affirmed everywhere I go, at work, at home, my kids, my wife, everyone heaps affirmation on me.”

Most people struggle to feel affirmed. The reason for this is simple: We don’t offer much explicit affirmation.

And, at the same time, most people really appreciate affirmation. Affirmation is motivating- it helps you feel like your efforts are recognized, and this creates a sense that you belong.

I am, admittedly, terrible at affirming. I’m trying to do it more often- and I think I’m succeeding…but only because I used to affirm not at all. So, something is better than nothing…I guess.

Here are some tips for affirming:

-Make mental notes of things you appreciate about others

-State those mental notes out loud to people who do the things you appreciate. But, here’s the trick, don’t use any “value” language. Don’t say that what the other person did is “good,” or “better,” or even “great.” Simply state it as an observation.

When we use words like, “good,” “better,” or, “best,” we are unintentionally communicating that we’re the ones with the right to judge the qualities of another person- so it sounds condescending even though we don’t mean it to be. It’s sort of the same as saying, “I’m proud of you.” It’s a really nice sentiment- but it’s the same idea- it kind of also says, “I’m higher up than you.”

Here are some examples-

Instead of: You’re a good cook.

Try: Your food is delicious.

Instead of: You showed good perseverance.

Try: You are really diligent.

The trick is to look for qualities that another person displays and to simply notice them. By “qualities” I mean anything you notice and appreciate about another person. Such as: reliability, empathy, timeliness, attentiveness, helpfulness, and so on. Pick a trait that you see in another person and just say, “You are ______.”

You may think that’s too simple and won’t make much of an impact. I assure you- doing this regularly will make far more of an impact than trying to heap praise on a very occasional and irregular basis.

Listening Well

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

Part of living out our faith in a positive way is to create, build, and sustain meaningful connections with others. In so doing we reflect the image of God and, hopefully, pass some of his love on to the world around us. A huge part of establishing connections is done through listening.

We all know at this point the old adage that goes something like, “Are you listening or just waiting to talk?”

Listening well is more than being quiet and more than being curious. It’s the process of discovering another person’s perspective through attentiveness, asking questions, and experimenting with reflecting what you hear to see if it resonates with the other person. Good listening isn’t just hearing what’s there- it’s a collaborative process where the speaker, too, discovers more about themselves than what they’ve been saying.

If you’re not sure where to get started, try this. After someone shares something with you about themselves, say something like, “Let me see if I’ve got this right…” and then summarize what you’ve heard in your own words. This will allow the other person to clarify anything that hasn’t quite landed or to affirm that you’ve gotten things right- which means they will feel validated.

Think Long and Hard About Ending Relationships

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here.

Disclaimer: This post is not referring to relationships where there is active abuse or neglect taking place. If you’re physically or emotionally unsafe, we strongly encourage you to take steps to move towards safety. If you need help figuring out next steps, please get in touch.

When it comes to ending relationships, here’s what I do. I “ghost.” You’re probably familiar with this term- but it’s one that millennial use. It basically means that you just kind of disappear without a word. Like a ghost. *This is not a good strategy.* It leaves things in limbo. It probably leaves other people confused. Worse- it’s most likely harmful.

Not everyone is this way. Some people stay in relationships for way too long before making the move that they need to make. Some people end relationships at the drop of a hat. We all have our patterns.

Given that we’re not talking about the kind of relationship mentioned in the disclaimer above, I believe another skill when it comes to living faith in a positive way is the ability to hang in with relationships even when they get tough. Actually, it might be several skill sets. Relationships go through up’s and down’s. High’s and low’s. Rough patches and smooth ones. The ability to ride out a rough patch is a skill- and one that points us towards hope. It’s a hope for that relationship (that it can be mended). It’s a hope for the other person (that they are more than just the problems we have with them). It’s also a kind of patience and endurance- trusting that this is a natural part of being alive and being in a relationship.

It’s not easy to do these things. But, if we can, we are teaching others and ourselves that we are valuable enough to wait for, to suffer with, etc. It’s a way of saying I got you, when another person might not deserve it, and trusting that someone else will be willing to say the same back one day, if we need it.

All that to say, if you can, and if it’s safe and healthy to do so, don’t end relationships too hastily. See if you can hang in there. See if you can teach another person that they are valuable beyond the present troubles. And see what good may come from that.

“Give the Man a Chance”

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here.

I, like many people, am a huge fan of the movie Die Hard. I probably watch it twice a year. Once in December- because it’s the all time greatest Christmas movie, and then once in July because I just can’t wait to watch it again.

Die Hard was directed by John McTiernan- a guy with a very odd career (a story for another day). For a brief time, McTiernan knew how to make action thrillers better than anyone else. Another example is The Hunt for Red October, a movie about a disgruntled (yet highly decorated) Russian submarine commander (played by Sean Connery- with his native non-Russian accent) who tries to defect to the US with a brand-new, untraceable submarine filled with nuclear warheads.

The plot is complicated. But the simplified version is something like this: Connery can’t tell anyone on the American side that he’s trying to defect because word would eventually get back to his Russian higher-ups that the new sub is now in American hands- which would ignite a war. So, he has to leave a trail of breadcrumbs for the CIA to follow so that they can discover that he is defecting, rather than traveling to launch nuclear warheads at New York or wherever.

Only one man in the CIA gets it: Jack Ryan (Alec Baldwin). He then spends a good portion of the movie convincing his higher-ups that Connery is defecting and not starting a war.

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you the plot of a forgotten sub movie. Well, here we go. John McTiernan liked to have a theme in mind when making movies. His theme for The Hunter for Red October is this: Give the man a chance.

Jack Ryan’s job is to convince every higher up above him to give Connery (Captain Ramius) a chance- rather than to assume he’s the threat he appears to be and to simply blow him out of the water. He begs person after person, give the man a chance.

This, to me, speaks to a very key skillset to have when it comes to trying to live our faith in a positive way. If and where you can, give people the benefit of the doubt. When our survival instincts kick in in life, they warn us of danger- even when danger isn’t there.

It’s easy to assume someone is out to get us, or trying to harm us. It’s less easy to give the man (or person) a chance.But our faith calls us to speak back into our survival instincts, to look for the good in others, and to offer the benefit of the doubt not only as an act of mercy but also as an act of imitation of Christ himself when he says, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

I believe this is Christ’s way of saying: Give the people a chance.

What helps you offer the benefit of the doubt?

Closing the Stress Cycle with Positive Interactions!

Prior to the pandemic, I (and I imagine a lot of you) had a healthy dose of positive social interaction. I'm not a social butterfly, but life was full and rich with people points of contact. From church to my barista buddies, I had friendly conversations with people, in person, multiple times per day. People who have these kinds of interactions daily are happier because....this helps close the stress response cycle.

The body notices. The brain thinks, oh hey, look, no one is yelling or pulling a knife! All is well! But post pandemic, all is not well. I went to get my hair cut for the first time post pandemic and overheard a woman talking about her lazy pastor because her pastor did not figure out how to do parking lot church. And that lazy pastor was me! Imagine my surprise. (We do not actually have a parking lot; our building is in an office complex.)

The place I go to relax and receive pampering all of a sudden did not feel so safe. And this is a systemic problem for all of us. Family gatherings can be tense for many families, but now we worry about spreading the coronavirus to grandma; our substance abusing loved ones are abusing more, not less; our families are divided red and blue when we all should be pulling together, not apart.

One of the main "stress cycle closing" activities - positive social interactions - has turned into family feud. No wonder we are all so stressed!

What could you do to reduce the stress of another person through a positive interaction? Plan for it! Execute the plan - our collective wellbeing depends on us getting our social wellness back on track!