Positive Faith & Sin Part 6 (Roman Numerals suck after V)

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Yesterday we talked about how confrontation does not help us grow into people of God. In fact, confrontation leads to denial. This means that we are less likely to work on the things we might want to work on in order to grow into people of God if we’re confronted.

It’s actually acceptance that leads to growth and change- the very thing God promises and offers. When we are accepted and loved and treated as a part-of, we’re able to confront the discrepancy between who we are and who we’d like to be and start to consider what it would look like in order to make changes.

Acceptance is what allows us to confront ourselves and acceptance paves the pathway for growth. To put it differently- acceptance is the thing that puts us in tune with God’s voice.

So, then, it might be a pretty good idea to be…well…soft on sin.

Positive Faith & Sin Part V

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24, NIV

If you’re behind on these posts, click here to visit the whole blog so you can get caught up. Otherwise you might get lost. We wouldn’t want that now, would we?

Yesterday we talked about the fact that, in faith circles, it’s common to think that it’s really important to be confrontational with people about their sin patterns. We know from research done in the substance use field, however, that being confrontation with people about their foibles is more likely to make people defensive rather than contrite and deferential.

This is important information for pastors (in my opinion) and I think it should shape how we pastor. And, I should say, I wish I had known this when I began my journey as a pastor- I would have been a better one.

What I know belief is that it isn’t confrontation that helps us grow into people of God- it’s acceptance. In this case- I’m talking about the experience of being accepted by others (and by God). Being accepted allows us to feel safe and, when we feel safe, we don’t need to be defensive and we can tolerate conversations about areas where we would like to see growth and change.

This is actually the very logic of Romans 1-3 which people quite frequently get completely backwards. Here’s a rough summary:

• We all fall short of the person we’d like to be

• Therefore we have no right to judge each other

• God accepts all

• Therefore, we shouldn’t condemn each other

This section of scripture is probably responsible for more spiritual abuse than any other (I can think of a couple close competitors but we’re not going for statistical accuracy here). And yet, it’s because we miss the point.

God does accept us as we are. He draws us into his family. He offers us the opportunity to shape our lives in the pattern of his love.

That’s pretty good. And, pretty different from what we often experience.

Positive Faith in Scripture: Jonah

“Then they grilled him: “Confess. Why this disaster? What is your work? Where do you come from? What country? What family?”

He told them, “I’m a Hebrew. I worship God, the God of heaven who made sea and land.”

At that, the men were frightened, really frightened, and said, “What on earth have you done!” As Jonah talked, the sailors realized that he was running away from God.

They said to him, “What are we going to do with you—to get rid of this storm?” By this time the sea was wild, totally out of control.

Jonah said, “Throw me overboard, into the sea. Then the storm will stop. It’s all my fault. I’m the cause of the storm. Get rid of me and you’ll get rid of the storm.”

But no. The men tried rowing back to shore. They made no headway. The storm only got worse and worse, wild and raging.

Then they prayed to God, “O God! Don’t let us drown because of this man’s life, and don’t blame us for his death. You are God. Do what you think is best.”

They took Jonah and threw him overboard. Immediately the sea was quieted down.

The sailors were impressed, no longer terrified by the sea, but in awe of God. They worshiped God, offered a sacrifice, and made vows.”

Jonah 1:8-16, Message

First off, let me apologize for having you read such a lengthy passage. I skipped the first 7 verses though- you’re welcome. Long story short, God asks Jonah to go preach to Nineveh so that they might turn towards God (because they were misbehaving), and Jonah runs away, leading to this fiasco with the boat. God sent a storm after Jonah in order to coax him to fulfill his mission.

Unlike yesterday, here is a story where God did establish some cause and effect. Jonah ran, so God sent a storm. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves- no one was harmed. In fact, again, God does not even express frustration Jonah. He sends the fish to swallow Jonah up- where Jonah prays and asks God for help (was this is an actual literal fish? or part of the imaginative way of telling stories that was so common in the Old Testament? I don’t know!).

When Jonah prays for help, God does not admonish him or rub Jonah’s face in his own pee (as I’ve seen people do to potty-training puppies). No- God’s response to Jonah’s prayer is something like: “Get going to Nineveh because I can’t ignore them any longer.” It’s almost as if God is taking responsibility for the lack of resolution in Nineveh.

God does not speak incredibly harshly about Nineveh or Jonah. In fact, God seems to have high hopes for both in spite of themselves and, in both cases, he is correct. Jonah fulfills his mission (though he’s not happy about it) and Nineveh turns towards God.

I don’t want to belabor the point, but what we see is not, actually, an angry God who can’t possibly be pacified but, instead, a gentle God, slow to anger and quick to forgive. A God who glosses over the shortcomings of his followers in order to encourage them to move forward.

What would change, for you, if you knew your shortcomings were things God just glosses over in order to help you move forward?

Careful Self-Appraisal…

I failed at self-compassion but my mentors did not. They simply kept mirroring it to me until finally I believed them. They gave me gifts and said kind things to me. They backed up their feedback with data. They did not tolerate my false humility or other tricks to play small.

Here is another thing I have learned. Healing hurts. It really hurts. Our old ways of thinking, feeling and behaving no longer fit our new, changing, growing selves. There are growth pains associated and change is hard.

But here's what's harder: living life completely stressed out, inauthentically and without joy.

The strength that grows from willingness to change does not mean that everything turns out peachy and success is assured. In fact, I continue to fail regularly with great enthusiasm. The difference for me is that success and failure are not longer gauges that determine my sense of well-being.

When we are free of the sting that comes from this false notion that somehow success is required to have a good life, we are actually more prone to improve our lives. Here's how it's working for me.

Suppose I receive feedback that indicates that I did not succeed. Instead of beating myself up, and because, frankly, I don't really care that much about success anymore, I ask: "Is there more I can be doing?"

Sometimes the answer is, "I've done all I can do." This is often the answer. I accept it and move on. Other times the answer is, "I could do a little more." And then I decide if I PREFER to do so. Maybe I decide I do not prefer to do a little more because I really am not invested enough in a different outcome to put in the extra effort.

This is a constant exercise in self-reappraisal. Doing our best may not be that great, but if it is our best, it's all we've got and we are less stressed out if we accept that. I will never be a piano player in public. My playing would scare small children. But I do love practicing and it is beneficial for me. I do not consider it a waste of time because my goal is not to succeed at it.

So now, let's think about what your goals are. Consider a careful self-reappraisal. Are you wasting energy trying to be successful in areas where "good enough" is all that is necessary? Can you squeeze in more rest as you loosen the chains of achievement?

Considering Your Own Preferences

To recap, some stress is inevitable but lots of it is self-imposed. When I was confused about my goals in life, I was chasing after outcomes that were not even relevant to my core values! Individuals discover the source of meaning for them in ways that are completely unpredictable. But the common factor that I notice is that if we stop and listen, we can hear an inner voice of wisdom. This voice is informed from a variety of sources, no doubt about that, we do some self-selecting in terms of what our outside ears attune to which impacts our inner voice. But the bottom line is this: we have wisdom that we often ignore and our body will not let us forget it - hence, stress.

Yesterday someone called me desperate for a meeting to discuss a particular crisis in their life. They preferred that I drive over to their house (50 miles from me) so we could discuss it in the comfort of their home. I told them that I'd send them a zoom link. They countered with an offer to come to my house. I reiterated that I was currently meeting with folks via zoom. They sighed loudly and agreed. I sent the zoom link without a moment's stress. We had a lovely meeting.

Who changed? Me. I cannot tell you how many times I have hopped in the car and driven somewhere to meet someone because it was their preference without considering my own preferences. Considering both is the ultimate in respecting self and others. They could choose not to zoom with me and that would be fine. But I am freed from the weight of my own unreasonable expectations of myself, because these expectations were built on frustrating and inappropriate goals. I believe that a meaningful life includes service but I no longer accept that the totality of my life requires me to serve others without considering my own preferences.

What about you? Do you over-depend on your preferences? Do you ignore your preferences? How can we find a balance?