Observe Yourself…

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place."

Zora Neal Hurston

Lately there has been a lot of discussion about the current state of Christianity in our country. Christianity Today is doing a series of podcasts on the debacle of Mark Driscoll and his leadership style as a pastor. It's called "The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill." Don't know him? Here's another example we are all familiar with: the politicizing of evangelical America. Whether or not you are on board with it, many people have many opinions. And then there is that time Jerry Falwell Jr. encouraged students to arm themselves on the campus of a Christian college and quoted scripture (out of complete context) to support his position (which is the mildest example I could think of with him).

These are all very upsetting examples - either because we think they are examples of holiness and the way Christians are getting a bad rap, or because these examples do not sit well with our own perspective on spirituality.

Here is something I think we can agree on: because we bear the image of God (the Bible says so), people ought to be able, at least in theory, to see a bit of the character of God when they experience us. And for sure, love is such a defining characteristic of God, it only makes sense that we would be loving humans.

So try this: Observe yourself. Are you the kind of person that loves so well that people feel safe with you? Do they crawl out from behind their defenses and shields and armor of protection and share their authentic, vulnerable selves with you? I am not talking about being NICE. I'm talking about bearing the image of God! I am thinking about the capacity for treating everyone with respect and positive regard. There is room within this way of seeing for loving confrontation and accountability. There is room for wisdom and discernment.

This is worth thinking about and is far more useful than bantering about our opinions on the Mark Driscolls of the world.

When Competition Hurts…

Our youngest son played lacrosse for many years. It’s one of those games that breaks ALL the rules. They run with sticks in their hands; they hit and poke their opponents with them leaving permanent bruises on the forearms of players for the entire season. They push each other out-of-bounds. They do all of this and more - and none of it is against the rules. I remember one heated game in particular. One of our players had been knocked unconscious; our coaches got ejected from the game. Our team was in disarray. A fight broke out. More ejections. Now we barely had enough people to play. Our son started barking orders. He ran down the field on offense and then one of his teammates would throw him a “long stick” from the sidelines and Michael would run back and play defense - a position he never played. Michael was hit so many times it was all I could do to not take the field myself. After that game he had three loose teeth and a profound sense of accomplishment as victory was achieved. I heard one of the parents say of my son, “Man, that kid is competitive!” I was so proud. I did not give this a second thought - we won! Our team was tough! My kid was COMPETITIVE!

Competition is a negative interaction that occurs among organisms whenever two or more organisms require the same limited resource… Therefore, competitors reduce each other’s growth, reproduction, or survival. (Source: www.biologyreference.com/Ce-Co/Competition.html#ixzz3xK2cfjuj)

A few years later my son walked off the lacrosse field for the last time; it was his senior year in high school. As he walked up to me roughly tossed his stick on his game and said, “No kid of mine is ever going to play this game.” Oh, the things I wished I had asked more questions about over the years! After eight years of playing the sport, Michael concluded that it was not one that fostered the character traits he would want his kid to possess. This would have been great information for me to have. I could have reduced mileage on my car as I traveled all of the state of Virginia and hours huddled on cold bleachers in all manner of bad weather, endless purchases of team snacks and a car that forever smelled like teenage boys and their stinky gear. Not to mention 8 years of my son being exposed to a game that did not enhance his character! I am sure that a different coaching staff and team ethos might have turned these years around and resulted in glorious memories but that was not his experience. I never, not once, asked the right questions.

Folks, we might be missing something if we embrace competition as a core value.

The Blessings of Obedience

I want to say a dirty word…ready? Obedience.

Who likes to hear that? I hang out with people predisposed to saying “No!” when a “Yes” would have served them better. For some reason, I’m attracted to people who like to color outside the lines, break rules, and generally mess with authority figures. I’m not saying this is good or godly, but it is what it is.

Most folks who know my husband today like him better than they like me. It’s true. He’s quiet and kind and funny - and that ability to be quiet in sticky situations makes him seem smart. (OK, he is legit smart.) But I have to confess, I fell in love with him because, having known him for 50 years (gasp), I know he likes to color outside the lines, break rules and generally mess with authority figures that he feels are knuckleheads. For an introvert, the guy certainly could distract a teacher with his antics in our youth. One of our favorite stories about Pete happened soon after he arrived at our school as a transfer from Maine. We had a cool math teacher that we loved and Pete was in a small computer class taught by this same guy. Filled with guys, this small group was known to push the envelope and enjoyed bantering with their teacher. One day Mr. Crane had enough. “The next person that curses in this room gets a demerit!”

“Why the h-e-double hockey sticks do you want to do that?” answered my future husband. Pete had some explaining to do when that demerit notice showed up in the mail. (To fully appreciate this story, you have to know that this man never ever curses, and often chides the rest of us for what he perceives to be “loose lips.”) I suppose that’s why, years later, Pete couldn’t say but so much when our son brought home a note on his report card that said, “Could you please talk to Michael about not distracting me in class? He gets me laughing and this gets the entire class off track!” The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree! Pete and I put on our serious parental unit faces and spoke to Michael about the need to behave in class. It was hard, but we did it. Afterwards, I realized that it shouldn’t have been hard to tell our son this important truth.

Obedience may sound like a dirty word to those predisposed to wanting our own way, but it isn’t. It’s a beautiful word. The discipline of obedience brings with it all sorts of blessings. Disobedience may get us a few chuckles, but it probably won’t build character. Obedience isn’t something we do to avoid punishment; it’s a skill set we develop so that we might become people of character. There are limits to obedience, however. When we are asked to obey someone or something that stands in opposition to the God of our understanding, we do not obey. We resist. But cussing in class does not count as civil disobedience in deference to a higher call.

To obey is better than sacrifice…The holidays are wrapping up, and a new year filled with potential beckons. Is there anything related to “obedience” that you’ve been resisting? Is it holding you back from bigger and better things?

Good News and Minor Miracles

The most amazing thing happened to me when I read a negative book review of one of my books on Amazon. I did not mind. This is truly evidence that miracles happen! After the review was pointed out to me I made note of my reaction during my daily inventory. Of course, no one EVER said, “Gee, I hope I get a negative book review today!” But I inventoried myself. I listened. I looked deep into my soul and what did I see? Gratitude.

Even as he was telling me about the review, I was swept up by the moment, not the negative message. My friend was upset by the review. I believe he said something like, “It hurts my heart.” Nothing is more precious to me than having a friend whose heart is willing to hurt on my behalf. Never ever in a million years will I begrudge the reviewer’s opinion for it gave me the opportunity to feel the kindness of a dear friend.

This is the gift of recovery made possible through working all 12 of the steps, not just the ones I prefer to attend to. Step Ten (daily inventories with necessary follow up repairs) reordered my life and my mind and even my heart. I cannot explain it but over time I have become less invested in the opinion of others and more committed to developing my own character. The process has certainly supported behavioral changes in me but even better - it has drained my energy for being overly concerned about the behavior of others. Sometimes I am a bit kinder, less impatient, and a titch more helpful because I know that later on I will stare all my deeds down during my daily inventory.

But it is this next step - Step Eleven: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood him - that has brought springs of living water to my thirsty soul. It offers freedom and a promise and a practice that cannot be described - only experienced.

In Step Eleven we practice prayer and meditation for ONLY two reasons: to improve our conscious contact with God AND for the knowledge and strength to carry out his will for my life.

Clear. Simple. Direct. Life-altering. And we are going to talk about it for awhile. Stay tuned.

Don't re-write history in a single moment

There is another skill we need to develop in order to avoid unfairly assassinating someone’s character: giving people credit for who they’ve proven to be over time.

Why are we so tempted to re-evaluate everything we think we know about a person in the moments when they hurt us?

People are going to hurt us, and that doesn’t mean that they are actually NOT kind, that they do NOT care, or that we’ve misunderstood them. (Understand, I’m not talking about abusive relationships here). It just means that relationships are difficult.

Here’s what we need to learn: don’t give negative experiences with a person more weight than positive ones. At least, don’t let one negative experience wipe out ten positive ones. Give people credit for their history.

How do we do this?

Talk. Have a conversation. When someone has a history of treating you well followed by a really bad experience, talk to them. Wait until you’ve processed it with some trusted people, wait until you’ve calmed down a bit, and then approach the conversation with a sense of humility. “Hey, ___ happened, and I’m hurt. Would you mind sharing your perspective with me on this?”

Having a conversation can go a long ways towards overcoming relational problems. It provides clarity on the events, which may resolve the conflict in an of itself, and it grounds us. It prevents us from too hasty in our judgments of others. That’s really our main goal: learning not to be too hasty in judging others.