Go Enjoy Your Day!

I have about run out of material, for now, regarding all the gifts my breakdown has given me. But I do want to take a minute to return to the scene of the crime: my loss of joy. Joy is not the same as happiness. Today, I am unhappy that a grant proposal we turned in was not accepted. But I am still joyful.

Joy is a reflection of clarity about our purpose. Happiness usually involves getting our way. Joy is not an inside job. It comes from our shared experiences with others. Joy is the emotion that is best friends with the thought that we are "enough."

Our joy matters. Some days you are the one who reminds others; other days they remind you.

We do not have a moral obligation to give every drop of our humanity to support others ESPECIALLY people who treat us as if they are entitled to receive more from us than they would ever give in return.

Go enjoy your day!!

Careful Self-Appraisal…

I failed at self-compassion but my mentors did not. They simply kept mirroring it to me until finally I believed them. They gave me gifts and said kind things to me. They backed up their feedback with data. They did not tolerate my false humility or other tricks to play small.

Here is another thing I have learned. Healing hurts. It really hurts. Our old ways of thinking, feeling and behaving no longer fit our new, changing, growing selves. There are growth pains associated and change is hard.

But here's what's harder: living life completely stressed out, inauthentically and without joy.

The strength that grows from willingness to change does not mean that everything turns out peachy and success is assured. In fact, I continue to fail regularly with great enthusiasm. The difference for me is that success and failure are not longer gauges that determine my sense of well-being.

When we are free of the sting that comes from this false notion that somehow success is required to have a good life, we are actually more prone to improve our lives. Here's how it's working for me.

Suppose I receive feedback that indicates that I did not succeed. Instead of beating myself up, and because, frankly, I don't really care that much about success anymore, I ask: "Is there more I can be doing?"

Sometimes the answer is, "I've done all I can do." This is often the answer. I accept it and move on. Other times the answer is, "I could do a little more." And then I decide if I PREFER to do so. Maybe I decide I do not prefer to do a little more because I really am not invested enough in a different outcome to put in the extra effort.

This is a constant exercise in self-reappraisal. Doing our best may not be that great, but if it is our best, it's all we've got and we are less stressed out if we accept that. I will never be a piano player in public. My playing would scare small children. But I do love practicing and it is beneficial for me. I do not consider it a waste of time because my goal is not to succeed at it.

So now, let's think about what your goals are. Consider a careful self-reappraisal. Are you wasting energy trying to be successful in areas where "good enough" is all that is necessary? Can you squeeze in more rest as you loosen the chains of achievement?

Holding the Truth Gently…

In my first meeting with my new therapist, the one I hoped would keep me out of the hospital, she told me that I had no clue what self-compassion was, and I needed to learn. She's a straight shooter! Honestly, this was news to me.

She pointed out patterns I had of making excuses for the bad behavior of others and calling that compassion. According to her, that's not compassion. Compassion is the ability to hold the truth...gently. If we do not do it for ourselves, we will never grasp how to do it with others.

Diligent practice of self-compassion lowers stress hormones and improves mood. Self-compassion that results in self-forgiveness is associated with greater physical and mental well-being.

None of this diminishes our motivation, although people fear that outcome. We seem to think that if we're not being hard on ourselves, maybe we'll go all soft and stop trying. This is NOT true.

If self-compassion feels like a bridge too far, how about starting with lovingkindness towards others?

Say No to Self-Sabotage!

Self-sabotage is real. It definitely increases our stress levels. No one deliberately chooses to sabotage their life, but we do it! Here are some ways people commonly shoot themselves in the foot and then refuse medical treatment. Here are two common ones.

Self-criticism. Look we need to see ourselves honestly, but the world is going to criticize us enough - we do not need to pile on! Obviously we criticize ourselves when we fail, but women seem to be especially skilled at criticizing their own success. A consultant once gave me a compliment...and I was irritated! I waxed on about my gratitude for opportunities given, and my appreciation for working within the confines of a team. His response? "This team only cares about you insofar as you step in during a crisis." Years later, I believed him. Do NOT diminish yourself. There is a whole world that is gladly doing that for you.

Perfectionism. My friends like to tease me about my typos and such. I used to try to fix the typos so as to avoid the comments. Not anymore. Today I realize that a few typos sprinkled in with decent productivity is an acceptable "good enough." If we sweat the small stuff, we may never get to the part of life when we live LARGE and get meaningful stuff done.

Which one of these do you struggle with, or are you a super-achiever and struggle with both?

The Restoring Powers of Active Rest!

Active rest is working one function of our humanity while resting other parts. One of my daily breaks is practicing my piano. I'm working my musically inclined part of my brain but my abs are resting comfortably in a soft, cushy puddle around my waist. I try to do at least one house chore a day during a break - fold clothes, clean the bathrooms, something so that my house is reasonably straight at all times. I exercise in one slot. My brain is on complete auto-pilot but those glutes and abs are fighting it out with gusto.

I also sleep. Although at the deepest point in my depression sleep was fitful, it certainly has taught me to appreciate a good night's rest.

Our brain works hard while we sleep; our body restores itself while we sleep; our memories consolidate and new information is integrated into our computer of a brain. I am often grabbing a notebook and pen in the middle of the night when awakened with a sudden thought, idea or insight. If I don't write it down, it's gone by first light.

Relationships are harmed when we are not rested. Anxiety and depression correlate with sleep deprivation. If you're sleeping a ton and still feel unrested, get it check out. You could have sleep apnea or other health problems. Sleep matters; treasure it!

How are you at active resting? Any tweaks you can make to improve your daily life?