When We Know Better, We Do Better

Most people who know me understand that after years of teaching about "codependency" as a dreaded disease that needed to be eradicated, I have changed my mind. Again, more on that later, but for now, let's clear something up in terms of assumptions.

When we know better, we do better. Codependency was a word that was created to describe the dance treatment professionals noticed between family members and loved ones with their "dependent" - a person with a substance use disorder. I'm sure those early observers didn't mean it to become a cuss word or a term of condescension - but this is what happened.

Families were soon getting "blamed" for their loved ones choices even as the experts told them that they did not cause, nor could that cure or control the disease that had overtaken their beloved. But honestly - if anyone has ever said to you, "Wow, that's pretty codependent." You felt blamed. At a minimum, you felt judged.

In Emily and Amelia Nagoski's book, Burnout The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, they discuss the role of science in their introduction - and it is brilliant. They remind us that science is a particular way of being wrong. This certainly would have been good information for us to remember as various ones of us have railed against "the experts" during the covid crisis. Science is SUPPOSED to get it wrong; that's how they figure out how to get a bit better at a problem that no one had ever resolved before! Scientists are trying to be a little bit less wrong than the ones who came before them. They want to be wrong in a particularly helpful way. They want to be wrong in a manner that can be tested and proven.

Codependency language was a first step; it was picking up on something that addiction researchers understand better now, because, well, science. Addiction is a family disease - and various family members "break out" in different symptoms. The person with the use disorder looks one way; their loved ones look another. All of it is fairly predictable.

We could think of it like this. The family members become the "human givers" and the used disordered represent the "human beings" - because, duh. When someone has a use disorder, their brain is greatly compromised. They are fighting to survive and do not have much capacity for giving. This disparity is not limited to families with use disorders, but I just want to make note of the similarities because...as we walk through what happened to me and how I found my way through the tunnel of darkness, maybe others will find common ground and (I hope and pray) maybe their own way "through."

Today, take a few minutes to see where you are in life. Are you giving or being?

What are you in the process of becoming?

In closing out the month, I'll ask the question again:  What are you preparing for?  What process are you engaging?  

We are all preparing for something all the time. The question is what are we preparing for?  Do we know what we are preparing for? When we don’t know we’re likely preparing for some outcome other than the one that we truly desire.  This is because desirable ends require attentive, dedicated, or conscious preparation (as opposed to unconscious preparation). 

If we overlook the profound spiritual power of process in our lives then we invite an unmanageable load of disappointment to fill our void.  This is because overlooking process means we are overlooking the only opportunity (or opportunities) we have to introduce meaning back into our lives once we've been crippled by circumstances outside of our control.  

Being process-oriented people means asking the question, Am I doing everything I can?  

If the answer is yes, then we begin a conversation on radical acceptance.  

If the answer is no, then consider introducing a more intentional process to your life.  Only then will we know what the possibilities are. 

Faith as Process

We become faithful people when we choose to enter in to God's process of shaping us into faithful people.  

When we say it this way, we're acknowledging that we're not in control of the outcome that God has in mind for us (individually or collectively).  We enter into the process of doing what we can to create space in our lives (and the community's life) for God to move in whatever ways in which he chooses to work.  

We may never know the ways in which God chooses to work.  All the more reason to dedicate ourselves to be in process and live in radical acceptance.  We are only able to control the process we dedicate ourselves to, never the end results.  That process creates space for God's movement.  And so the process is our goal.  It's all we can do.

The rest we leave to God.  And we learn to accept whatever that is.    God may have specific goals and ends in mind for us.  

That's his prerogative.  He's God.

A Faithful Process

Faithful living, in fact, is not particularly results oriented.  It has always been about the process of becoming.   God gradually transforms us more and more in his likeness as we dedicate ourselves to the spiritual disciplines that facilitate this process (acts of mercy and forgiveness, prayer, communion, worship, etc.).  There is not a one-to-one relationship here.  15 minutes of prayer does not make us 15% more holy.  I'm just saying that grounding ourselves in spiritual disciplines (or grounding ourselves in the process of becoming people who do spiritual disciplines) opens up the possibility of God's action in ways that might not otherwise exist.  

We might say, then, that being faithful people is, fundamentally, the choice to dedicate ourselves to the process of becoming faithful people.  I understand that is cyclical language- and I think it works.  We become faithful people when we choose to enter in to God's process of shaping us into faithful people.  

More on this tomorrow.

Expanding our Focus: Part II

For Part I: Click Here.  It was posted on January 24.

I know many in our community are past the initial wave of recovery.  Many of us have seen our loved ones become sober and carry on in the journey of recovering their lives.  Many of us who have substance use issues have found sustained sobriety.  Many of us have never had a loved one deal with a substance use issue nor have dealt with it ourselves.  

What if my issue is not substance-related?  How does this process talk apply?

We are all in constant need of spiritual principles that expand our view of the world beyond ourselves in order to live out God's call to be a loving and forgiving people whose life (as a community) points to God's character, actions, and values.  Recovery grounds us in the kinds of spiritual disciplines that connect us with this calling.  In fact, every week I'm coming across more and more articles calling upon Christians to reexamine the 12 steps and to take them seriously as a guide for faithful living.  

We all need a guide for faithful living.  Some cheeky person will undoubtedly email me and say, "We have one, the Bible."  Yes, true, but let's also be honest- it's quite confusing and complicated.  It helps to have some of the key ideas distilled so that we can more attentively focus on them.  The 12 steps, which serve as the basis for many recovery principles, do exactly this.  

They continue to offer guidance and help push us in the direction of "meaning" long after we've left "crisis mode."