Listening Well

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

Part of living out our faith in a positive way is to create, build, and sustain meaningful connections with others. In so doing we reflect the image of God and, hopefully, pass some of his love on to the world around us. A huge part of establishing connections is done through listening.

We all know at this point the old adage that goes something like, “Are you listening or just waiting to talk?”

Listening well is more than being quiet and more than being curious. It’s the process of discovering another person’s perspective through attentiveness, asking questions, and experimenting with reflecting what you hear to see if it resonates with the other person. Good listening isn’t just hearing what’s there- it’s a collaborative process where the speaker, too, discovers more about themselves than what they’ve been saying.

If you’re not sure where to get started, try this. After someone shares something with you about themselves, say something like, “Let me see if I’ve got this right…” and then summarize what you’ve heard in your own words. This will allow the other person to clarify anything that hasn’t quite landed or to affirm that you’ve gotten things right- which means they will feel validated.

A Teammate…

"Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."

Eleanor Roosevelt

My son and teammate Scott has been a huge influencer in my life. Just today he responding to a crushing email with such knowledge, wisdom and patience that I could only sit for awhile in gratitude for the gift that he is to me - both as a son and colleague. Enneagram Fives are objective; which inspires me, a person who can be reactionary. We may not always agree with their conclusions, but we can trust that they have both the relevant data and facts. They will not obfuscate the truth to win.

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?

A Husband…

"Success at the highest level comes down to one question: Can you decide that your happiness can come from someone else's success?"

Bill Walton

My greatest influencer has been my husband. He has seen me at my worst and stayed. He has enormous amounts of patience and the capacity to play with our children and grandchildren for endless hours no matter what else is vying for his attention. He's the kind of guy that includes people and collaborates. He's the one to call when our health insurance company accidentally canceled all our various family member's insurance policies. He's patient and has a natural ability to listen to customer service representatives as they explain to him why they cannot help him and yet, eventually do.

He has a natural capacity to really listen to people and help solve problems so that organizations and teams he supports have a better chance of achieving their goals. I have other influencers in my life with this uncanny ability to support the dreams of others - they are pretty magical people. I have a dear friend and daughter who also exude this willingness to sacrifice over and over for those they love. Truly, these folks are willing to go to great lengths without receiving credit for their efforts so long as their efforts improve the condition of those they serve.

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?

Embracing a Growth Mindset

Carol Dweck also has provided a list of practical ways to embrace a growth mindset. Here are some of them:

* Embrace challenges. They build the resilience muscle and loosen the grip of fear of failure!

* Persevere, especially when failure is not only an option but a legitimate possibility. Here’s a weird thing about perseverance. I find that resistance to change and a fear of failure often gets inflamed right before a breakthrough of some kind. Today, when I experience discouragement I try to remember to get curious: what if something really amazing is about to happen?

* Talents and abilities can be developed. Isn’t that awesome? I am amazed that my daughter who majored in finance can transfer her skills and learn new ones in the field of IT. My son the pastor has developed a talent for photography and a skill at website design. My son the artist has increased his range of artistry and added “lead singer” to his already impressive musical repertoire. My husband has developed this uncanny ability to read my anxiety before I notice it and take action to support me before I have a meltdown. This involves a lot of supporting on his part. Once, when we were newly- weds I called him the most selfish person I ever met. Which wasn’t true, strictly speaking, but I have to say that today he is the most unselfish human being I will ever know. And me? I’m not without my own growth points. Today I figured out how to share a screen on zoom without having to get technical support from anyone. I know. Impressive, right?

* Find inspiration in others' success. Instead of feeling threatened, think more about what is true. Success is not a scarce resource. When someone else succeeds, we can celebrate that and remember that if they can, we can.

* Process errors with a desire to correct them without getting caught up in perfectionism. If you need support in this, google famous failures. Notice how many errors they make. Or watch sports on television. I watch a lot of tennis. Even the best and most athletic frame their shots or miss the service box.

* Accept feedback as a way to learn. Let me add here that Carol used the word “criticism” in place of feedback. I’m not a fan of criticism, but I do appreciate feedback. That said, sometimes even the most harsh and cruel criticism can be instructive - I just think it carries with it so much pain and suffering that I’m not sure that it is worth what we have to go through to get to the grain of truth from critical people. There’s a difference and I think we all recognize it when we experience it.

* Embrace new experiences with a desire and commitment to mastering new skills.

* Collaborate and innovate with people who challenge us to grow. I have some folks in my mind that do that for me on a regular basis - it really is such a great thing, to have others inspire our own commitment to growth.