Cheer With Your Friends

In a dog-eat-dog world, everyone fights for the table scraps. This is not a new thing; this is not an example of American capitalism run amok. It is actually quite ancient, a deep commitment by the inner reaches of our brain to keep us safe and. help the species survive. Our longest running skill sets stem from our competitive need to survive and compete for resources.

This instinct translates inappropriately (not at all beneficially) to all sorts of ways we categorize and complete with an us versus them mentality. We compete in every area of our lives instinctively. You are either a Cowboys fan or a Washington fan. You cheer for UVA or Tech - no exceptions allowed.

Jesus said something different, if I might paraphrase. He said, if you're friend loves the Cowboys, cheer with your friend. If you friend loves UVA, cheer with your friend. And vice versa. When the Cowboys play Washington, or UVA plays Tech, maybe do not tempt yourself by watching the game together. But whoever loses? Text your friend at the end and say, "Nice game." (We make these concessions because we are human and everyone has their limits.). Man, we struggle to do this, right?! How the HECK are we ever going to reconcile this both/and kind of vision Jesus had when it comes to dealing with political and religious differences if it is almost impossible to do so in the sports arena?

Well, I'd like to suggest that we practice suffering. Not because we need to be punished or make a wrong right, but because suffering, it seems, will be necessary if we are going to run this place the way God wants us to. Now, this is not easy. There are not many examples for us to follow. But there is Jesus.

Tomorrow we will talk more about Jesus as a good man and not so good a god (again, this is a Barbara Brown Taylor thought). For now, what if you were willing to apply the above example in your daily life? I'd love to know what that experience is like for you if you dare try it!

When Competition Hurts…

Our youngest son played lacrosse for many years. It’s one of those games that breaks ALL the rules. They run with sticks in their hands; they hit and poke their opponents with them leaving permanent bruises on the forearms of players for the entire season. They push each other out-of-bounds. They do all of this and more - and none of it is against the rules. I remember one heated game in particular. One of our players had been knocked unconscious; our coaches got ejected from the game. Our team was in disarray. A fight broke out. More ejections. Now we barely had enough people to play. Our son started barking orders. He ran down the field on offense and then one of his teammates would throw him a “long stick” from the sidelines and Michael would run back and play defense - a position he never played. Michael was hit so many times it was all I could do to not take the field myself. After that game he had three loose teeth and a profound sense of accomplishment as victory was achieved. I heard one of the parents say of my son, “Man, that kid is competitive!” I was so proud. I did not give this a second thought - we won! Our team was tough! My kid was COMPETITIVE!

Competition is a negative interaction that occurs among organisms whenever two or more organisms require the same limited resource… Therefore, competitors reduce each other’s growth, reproduction, or survival. (Source: www.biologyreference.com/Ce-Co/Competition.html#ixzz3xK2cfjuj)

A few years later my son walked off the lacrosse field for the last time; it was his senior year in high school. As he walked up to me roughly tossed his stick on his game and said, “No kid of mine is ever going to play this game.” Oh, the things I wished I had asked more questions about over the years! After eight years of playing the sport, Michael concluded that it was not one that fostered the character traits he would want his kid to possess. This would have been great information for me to have. I could have reduced mileage on my car as I traveled all of the state of Virginia and hours huddled on cold bleachers in all manner of bad weather, endless purchases of team snacks and a car that forever smelled like teenage boys and their stinky gear. Not to mention 8 years of my son being exposed to a game that did not enhance his character! I am sure that a different coaching staff and team ethos might have turned these years around and resulted in glorious memories but that was not his experience. I never, not once, asked the right questions.

Folks, we might be missing something if we embrace competition as a core value.

Just Bloom…

A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.

When I was younger I thought my competitive nature was a strength. It gave me grit and determination. Anytime someone told me I could NOT, I found an inclination to DO IT. There were some benefits to this, although each battle to DO this thing, whatever it was, that went against the grain of cultural norms took its toll. No big deal - this is life.

At my advanced age of 65, my perspective is changing. Maybe that’s developmentally appropriate, I do not know. But I still FEEL that competitive drive. I STILL want to beat my husband at tennis. I can win some games, but I have never won a set off him. I really, really want to beat him. This is not going to happen. I couldn’t do it a couple of years ago when he basically had a right arm that did not function properly - and he’s right-handed. My heart races at the thought of pulling off a victory.

I see a similar drive in my grandson. He wants to run the fastest, jump the highest, win all the games. I get it, I really do. But as I review my life, I have come to the conclusion that this push to do what others tell me I cannot has not always been beneficial. In fact, it has come with a pretty high price tag at times.

Because I am still a science nerd, I came across this perspective on competition from a biological perspective:

Competition is a negative interaction that occurs among organisms whenever two or more organisms require the same limited resource… Therefore, competitors reduce each other’s growth, reproduction, or survival.

(Source: www.biologyreference.com/Ce-Co/Competition.html#ixzz3xK2cfjuj)

Competition is part of the American ethos. I see adults with particular sport team allegiances acting like their friends who cheer for different teams are their arch enemy! I watch people compete for parking spaces (back in the day when we went outside) as if having to walk a few extra feet would kill them. Don’t even get me started on the competitive nature of politics! Our culturally encouraged, often primal urge to compete is reducing us.

What are we going to do about it?

Expectations and Conflict: Part II

Consider your story by journaling about the following questions:

○ What have I expected of others?

○ What have others expected of me?

○ How have these expectations impacted my life? How might they threaten my recovery and spiritual transformation?

Competing expectations lead to conflict

The young woman sitting before me was striking.  Her makeup was dramatic with eyeliner stretching far beyond the corner of her eyes.  Her jeans were fashionably ripped, as were mine, but her jeans were more hole than fabric.  Mine just had a couple of half-hearted shreds.  A beret sat jauntily on her head and her lips were ruby red.  Her eyeshadow was deep violet.  She practically purred like a cat stalking a mouse.  I knew my role: I was the mouse.  She came in with a list of complaints she wished to lodge against her mother.  She wanted to “clear up any confusion” necessary for me to “get her mother back on track”.  Interesting, I thought. 

Just a few hours before, her mother had sat in the same chair.  She wore pearls and a tailored suit with four inch heels and a no-nonsense attitude.  Her makeup was muted but I suspected botox made her minimalist approach possible. 

Both women came loaded with expectations despite their very different presentations.  They had expectations of each other; they had expectations of me.  These expectations competed with one another for both attention and energy.  Sides needed to be taken, control needed to be exerted if anyone was going to emerge as victor.

This is how each of us experience life.  No wonder we use substances to numb and forget!  This is not how God operates.  He has much to teach us about stating both our needs and our wants clearly without demanding that someone else change to meet them.  God gives us guidance for how we can take responsibility for our own lives within the context of surrendering to his will.  This frees us from the pressure to bend to the expectations of others.  This does not mean that we get our way.  What it means is we get out of the way of all those loaded conversations where people are trying to either please or control one another.  It relieves the stress of having to figure out who in the room wins and what our part is in each skirmish.  Instead, we are given the gift of boundaries.  We begin to learn how to live within the boundaries of God’s care for us.  This is a lot HARDER to figure out than it sounds.

A soundtrack played in my head as I listened to these two women exert tremendous effort to get the other person to make them feel less anxious by asking me to serve as a velvet hammer that each wielded against the other.  The band Cake’s song Short Skirt, Long Jacket rang in my inner ear.  It speaks of expectations, often competing ones.  It sets the bar high for some random girl that is somehow supposed to fix the world of the guy who sings it.  We do not have to live this way.  But tremendous humility and willingness to change will be required if we want to get out from under the weight of living in a world that only loves winners.