Listening Well

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

Part of living out our faith in a positive way is to create, build, and sustain meaningful connections with others. In so doing we reflect the image of God and, hopefully, pass some of his love on to the world around us. A huge part of establishing connections is done through listening.

We all know at this point the old adage that goes something like, “Are you listening or just waiting to talk?”

Listening well is more than being quiet and more than being curious. It’s the process of discovering another person’s perspective through attentiveness, asking questions, and experimenting with reflecting what you hear to see if it resonates with the other person. Good listening isn’t just hearing what’s there- it’s a collaborative process where the speaker, too, discovers more about themselves than what they’ve been saying.

If you’re not sure where to get started, try this. After someone shares something with you about themselves, say something like, “Let me see if I’ve got this right…” and then summarize what you’ve heard in your own words. This will allow the other person to clarify anything that hasn’t quite landed or to affirm that you’ve gotten things right- which means they will feel validated.

Choosing the Right Connections

Stressed out people often have an unmet hunger for connection, and may go looking for connection in inappropriate places. Sometimes, it's all about availability. Other times, we are not making wise choices. Who knows all the reasons we settle for relationships that do not satisfy our need for trust and authenticity?

Here are some signs to look out for:

1. If you keep asking yourself, "Am I crazy or is this inappropriate/wrong, etc.?" Find trusted advisors for a reality check, but chances are, if you are feeling crazy, someone may be gaslighting you. (Gaslighting - when someone persistently puts forth a false narrative so that you will doubt your own perceptions.)

2. If you feel "not enough." None of us are enough; we are not supposed to be enough. We are fully human. If other people keep sending you the message that you are not enough, you need new peeps! Who are our people? People who see our flaws, weaknesses and insecurities and love us because of them! Our people are the ones who do not expect us to "meet expectations." Our people are not in denial, they are just not demanding. Find your people!!

3. If you are sad. Sadness is the canary in the tunnel we watch out for. Sadness is the signal that we need to reach out and grab a hand for support.

4. If you are filled with rage. Rage is telling us to pay attention. Instead of using it for evil, find people who can help you use it for fuel to create safety and security for yourself or others.

Too Much Attention to Detail!?

"To be content means that you realize you contain what you seek."

Alan Cohen

Dr. Spock was a Star Trek super hero, know for his lack of emotionality and his vast capacity to hold vast stores of data and information between his two pointy ears. Since he was a movie character, this did not hold him back from being an influential part of the Star Trek team. But for the rest of us mere mortals, it is important to not only have expertise, it is also necessary to engage others and make relational connections. Influential people leverage their personal relationships. They pay attention not only to the data, but to the people to whom the data applies.

Could this be you? Are you sometimes too much in the weeds of the details and fail to notice the people in your life who may need your attention?

Go For It!

"It's gonna be hot down there, drink plenty of fluids!" The two courts that we practically had to give blood to pay to use are covered and they are...toasty.

"Oh, we will!" We assure the helpful team of women who have assembled to give us the once over and make sure we are not going to cause any harm to the facility.

My new friend is not quite ready to let us go.

"You play pickleball?" She asks, hands on hips.

"We do, in fact, my husband made a pickle ball court in our driveway!" I reply.

"Yeah? Well, you know, they invited me to play pickleball with them here, and I try to be a good sport, so I came over and played in one of their shindigs...but they told me I was too AGGRESSIVE and they never invited me back."

"Wow!" I am well and truly impressed. We're not talking a spring chicken here - this grand lady is in her 80's at least! And look at her agreeing to take up a new sport with so much energy that she does not get invited back!

I am plenty inspired by this bright yellow phenom standing here holding court and waving her tennis racket around to illustrate her perspective. She is strong and confident and clearly large and in-charge of her life. This is a woman who looks like she takes responsibility for herself and expects others to do likewise.

Life can really wear us down, can't it? Thanks to a long line and a lot of red tape, I had the privilege of seeing the possibility for my own future in the presence of an older, wiser woman. Mary Oliver, beloved poet to many, asks THE question, "What do you want to do with your one wild and precious life?" Go for it!

A Tiny Exquisite Moment…

As I listen to my new friend, Pete is providing enough information for us to apply for a loan or get a security clearance so we might play tennis in sweltering heat with an inevitable outcome - I will lose. I hope they take their time because I have a feeling this gal has a story she is itching to share. And really, don't we all? I know sometimes it seems like our own lives are bland compared to what we read on facebook. But listen - Facebook is not real, it is a vehicle used to advertise things we do not need but feel we must have to be happy. What's real are these stories! These marvelous, rich, amazing stories of everyday flesh and blood people whom we come in contact with randomly...for a purpose.

I pray for you a long line today. I hope you meet a stranger who tells you a marvelous and wondrous tale. Or maybe you are the stranger who will tell your story to another and in the sharing there will be a little spark of recognition, a glimmer of essence, a tiny exquisite moment of joy in the seeing of another creature, made in the very image of God.