Doing Things Differently

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Our subconscious is powerful and cunning.  I do not consciously choose to start fights with Brittany in order to release tension from my suppressed grief.  I do this naturally.  The body instinctively takes what it needs in order to maintain something akin to homeostasis (as close as it can get in difficult circumstances anyway).  

I do not consciously choose to go after her over cleaning either.  Only in retrospect am I able to discern why that area of our life is such an easy target for my practice rounds.  

I also do not consciously view this argument as an attempt to regain control in the face of powerlessness.  Yet, this is exactly what it is.  I know this because I know this:  this particular area is one in which it is easy for me to feel superior.  In reality, I am not superior in any way.  I have my own chores that I ignore for long periods of time or, when I'm not ignoring them, cut corners on, or address them half-heartedly, etc.  In this particular fight I am convinced that, regardless of what Brittany says, I will end up on the moral high ground.  

You see what I'm describing?

Control.  

Scott’s 2021 thoughts on this post:

You should be sensing a theme. I no longer put much stock in the subconscious. Things happen beneath the surface we’re not consciously aware of, of course, but I don’t know that we gain that much by trying to figure them out…because…how do we know if we’re right? 

Instead- I suggest paying attention to things you want to do differently. I wanted to stop blaming my wife for things she didn’t do. In order to do that, I needed to de-stress, in order to do that, I needed some more alone time, and I needed some more hobbies. I could have accomplished all of that without raking myself over the coals for things my mind was doing that I wasn’t aware of.

So- what would you like to do differently?

Deal With It….

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

When we're confronted with powerlessness our bodies intuitively seek something else to be in control of.  We will find a situation or person less powerful than ourselves that we can push lower to keep some (false) sense of internal balance. 

Again- think of the example I keep returning to of fighting over the cleanliness of the house.  I keep bringing this up because this is a common dynamic in my house.  This has actually happened.  

Brittany and I are grieving three lost pregnancies.  She tends to deal with grief (in the short term anyway) through busying herself, and our adoption process and her home business have provided her plenty of opportunities to be busy.  I distract myself with reading and researching whatever my latest interest is.  

Neither of us has done a great job of facing the grief head on.  It hovers beneath the surface of things.  I get periodic reminders each day in the form of a loose thought or feeling that escapes my chamber of denial to bring to the surface the grief I'm trying to suppress.  

This is the exact recipe that creates fights over issues that are not really the issue.  

2021 Scott looks back:

There is no question that deep grief, and other life challenges, pull the rug out from under us. When we’re dealing with something difficult and complicated we are rarely able to access the “best” version of ourselves. And we need to do something about it. The emotional consequences of big life events do not normally just go away with time- we have to find some way to confront them and deal with them. That can look very different from person to person, but I do believe that finding ways to deal with what’s happened to us is important- otherwise some instincts tend to kick in that might not serve us or our loved ones particularly well.

Some things to consider that might help you deal with hard times: reading, writing, journaling, painting, music, and/or other creative projects (creative projects tend to be very healing). Other options include counseling, support groups, opening up to friends, finding a new hobby, taking a break from your normal obligations, and many more.

What are some things that have helped you heal?

When in Self-Doubt…

“Do not belong so completely to others that you do not belong to yourself.”

John Mason

I am prone to look outside myself for authority figures I can trust because I am full of self-doubt. Others are more self-referencing, guided by an internal compass. My husband is more self-referencing. When he is noodling over a problem, he often researches, prays, and plans in his head for a long time before he mentions the issue. By the time he speaks up, he usually has a plan for solving his problem.

I’m the opposite. I like to talk things out. Part of this is related to my desire to have someone other than me make hard calls and big decisions. My “false self” who lives falsely, tells me that I am bad or stupid. My “true self” who lives truly knows that I am a grown up woman who can make my own decisions without constantly needing others to reassure me that I am not a little girl who drives a red flyer wagon through a plate glass door because she is stupid and an embarrassment to her parents.

I have had to learn to speak up and be clear: I own this problem. I will work it out. I can also recognize that it helps me to hear myself think out loud. Living in true versus false ways is a daily journey of acceptance, self-discovery and course corrections.

Offloading problems can be a lovely thing, but it is not the best strategy for growing up. Authority figures are helpful, but as we grow and mature, we have the awesome responsibility for becoming an authority on the subject matter of living our truest life. This is our work to own. It’s great to have guides and mentors, but this is, as Mary Oliver says, OUR one true and precious life!

How are you increasing your spiritual muscle and leaning into your truest life?