Get Un-Stuck!

To review, first I had to learn that just because I have lots of strategies for coping with stressors did not mean I knew how to effectively deal with the stress. This was news to me. The book Burnout... by Emily and Amelia Nagoski continues to guide my new journey dealing with both parts of the stress equation.

I am learning how to step away from the situations that cause stress and not stop there! My next step needs to include leaning into and paying attention to my body and emotions. My body knows a lot of stuff that my brain and heart resist, ignore or misinterpret. Our brain, body and heart give us clues, very clear ones, to let us know when our stress levels are elevating. According to the Nagoski sisters, here are some signs to heed.

See how many of these questions you answer with a resounding, "Yes".

1. Am I doing the same pointless things repetitively? (Scrolling through facebook, watching mindless tv, distracting myself with food or alcohol or drugs, texting habitually, etc.)

2. Am I engaging in self-destructive behaviors? (Drinking too much, self-harm, eating in a disordered manner, sabotaging my dreams with inappropriate behavior, etc.)

3. Am I erupting inappropriately in ways that are out of proportion to the situation?

4. Am I hiding from my life? (Come home from work and watch cat videos while eating ice cream out of the carton, etc.)

5. Does my body feel out of whack? (Chronic pain, constant sickness, infections, inflammation, etc.)

So here's the thing we all need to wrap our brains around. Stress is not bad for us; getting stuck in the stress is what is harmful. It's a cycle; we have to figure out how to move through it.

What I Learned From My Breakdown...

First and foremost, I learned I am not alone. In helping professions (these are pre-pandemic stats), 20% to 30% of our nation's teachers have moderately high to high levels of burnout. These rates apply also to humanitarian aid workers and university professors. Among medical professionals (think about this - this is pre-covid) the stats are grim - a whopping 52%.

I did some research and tracked down some experts and asked them about what they thought the percentage of burnout would be for someone who spent their whole life trying to get families riddled with substance use disorder and mental health challenges the resources they needed to heal. One laughed and then suggested I read a book on burnout. So I did. But she also shared a perspective that I clearly had not considered. She said that gender makes a big difference in the study of emotional exhaustion. More on that later, but first, let's break down emotional exhaustion.

The first element of burnout is emotional exhaustion and its negative impact on our health, relationships, and life satisfaction - especially for women. Now, before you say to yourself, "Yeah, women are just so emotional." Don't go there! You'll just embarrass yourself. This is NOT about women being more emotional. Again, more on that in a bit. Emotions at their most basic level require the brain to release neurochemicals in response to a stimulus. This morning, at sunrise, my son Scott and I met at a lovely park in our area so that he could take pictures for a new website he's building for me. He asked Pete, my husband to come along. Pete assumed he would be there to watch our granddaughter Norah. He was quite disappointed to find out he was there to try to make me smile and carry the camera bag. Nevertheless, the experience was indeed more fun with the three of us. And Pete did fulfill his responsibilities with flare. The guy still makes my heart beat faster and my joy blossom - even after decades of marriage. Scott expects that to help with the photos, but we also know it also changed my brain chemistry. That's emotion for you - it's automatic, instantaneous, and happening all the time.

Emotions come and go, on their own. They just stop. When they do NOT go, if we get stuck in an emotion, we will experience exhaustion. This problem could be as simple as too much exposure to a stimulus that keeps eliciting the same emotional response - like a stressful job, or ongoing family conflict. Sometimes we get stuck because the most difficult feelings like rage, grief, despair, helplessness are so terrifying that we cannot move through them alone. Finally, we may get trapped because we are not free to move through them.

Are you exhausted? Could it be that you are stuck in an emotional storm?