Perspective and Principles

Twenty three years ago, give or take, we began what is now known as Northstar Community founded upon a deep and abiding respect for the principles and practices of mutual aid societies like Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. People did not prefer this. People from a faith background and years of church experience came and visited us in the early weeks and months and would often call me with feedback.

"Teresa, you may not have noticed this, but you do not have people stand up and greet each other at the start of your service. You know, this is how we do it in our church because it makes folks feel welcome." It also makes some people feel uncomfortable, especially folks trying to be anonymous.

"Teresa, I came over and you did not have a visitor card for me to fill out. You didn't take up an offering. Would you like me to bring you some cards and maybe get some ushers to volunteer to take up an offering?" I would not, because this is a pilot project and some of these folks are homeless and a few have warrants out for their arrest and no one wants to fill out a visitors card.

"Teresa, these 12-Steps you referred to today. They did not mention God once. What is this nonsense about a higher power? How can you expect me to be supportive of these efforts when those 12-Steps are so anti-God?" Well, actually, the writers of those twelve steps used the Bible to come up with the principles, particularly parts of Romans, 1 Corinthians and the entire book of James. I'm pretty sure the Oxford Group, who early on required baptism before attendance at an AA meeting would be pretty surprised to hear that we judged them so harshly.

Suffice it to say I received a lot of feedback that indicated that perhaps I was doing something wrong. None of this feedback was particularly stressful. Why? Because I was compelled by a strong inner voice that we were forging a path for the OTHER, not someone who had a faith background and years of church experience. I knew there were plenty of churches who had ushers and public greetings, but, as the scriptures say, "...the fields are ripe for the harvest, but the workers are few..."

There were people who did not feel comfortable with greetings and offering baskets and church buildings but they did feel at home in an AA meeting. Folks deserve at least one place in town that is set up for those who are interested in pursuing faith in an environment that respects their particular background. No one was wrong, people were just looking through different lens and coming to different conclusions. Eventually some folks find a church home and settle into it. Others stick around and some simply move on without leaving a forwarding address. Our beliefs and preferences can change. That's not a problem!

In any work we do, we have to make room in our mind, bodies, and spirit for feedback and the preferences of others. It will be easier if we have a strong sense of our own principles and preferences too. It will also help if we are not to stressed out - just in case people are more interested in telling us what they know rather than being curious about what we are learning - which can be frustrating.

If you are going to embark on an adventure, there will always be stressors. What are you doing to deal with your stressful situations and close your stress cycle?

Do. Evaluate. Redo. Reevaluate.

I was not created to be a motivational speaker if by that we mean someone who motivates and inspires. I think this is because my core values and inspiring motivational moments are at odds. This has actually been hard for me to accept because I'm the sort who actually prefers success to failure. I like to win. Ask my husband, he will tell you. I care about winning whether we are playing cards or pickleball. When our son tells us that maybe at our advanced age we should transfer our considerable efforts to play tennis over to the pickle ball court, what did we do? We started taking tennis lessons. And, yes, we also play pickleball. Just not the day before a lesson - it totally does a number on your tennis form.

After decades in the recovery world, I have learned from my recovery heroes that success, inspiration, motivation - those things are all fleeting. They are not long haulers. And what I love about knowing this, is that I notice what is left behind. When all that runs out what's left?

Do the next right thing, no matter how small. Forget success, inspiration and motivation. It's fun when it's there - enjoy it while you've got it - but plan for when it leaves because they are all fickle.

To trick my brain that is hardwired for panting after success, I've chosen to embrace action as an indicator of success. My brain is learning to accept what I actually believe is true based on my experience - our whole life is one giant experiment. Progress is only made when we make choices, take action, notice what happens, refine the plan and do the next thing that makes the most sense.

I'm pretty energized with this way of living. My goal is do something and notice, not do something and achieve a particular outcome. The DOING is the winning.

I have a friend who has needed to reset herself this summer and she is doing a bang up job. It started with cleaning her room. She bucked and resisted and planned and procrastinated until one day, we decided: she was going to clean her room starting right....now. And she would not stop until it was done. If she didn't know where to put something, unless it was a live human or beloved pet or a family heirloom - just throw it away. This certainly was incentive enough to find a place for everything she loves! I could gush on and on about how her life is morphing right before my eyes since she cleaned her room but I will wait to post about her when she runs for President in a decade or so.

Do. Evaluate. Redo. Reevaluate. Keep going. What dream do you have that needs to start with a thorough room cleaning? Let's go and get it done!

Stuck on the Details…

I have this friend who is having trouble in her marriage. She has decided that her problem is so unique, so special, that no one can help her navigate it and find a path through it to a new and better problem.

Maybe she is right; I am very curious about this approach to life and I wonder if she is onto something I cannot see. I am also curious and wonder what would happen if she broadened her identity a bit. What if, instead of seeing all the exceptions to life that define her - what would happen if she chose to think about her situation more simply?

What if, for example, she chose to think of herself as a wife and mother? What would her core values be? What kind of wife would she want to be? How would she show up in the relationship? How would she want to show up as a mother? What values does she want to stand by and express?

I observe this so often in myself and others - we get very caught up in the details of our story. And it truly is OUR story, the one we tell ourselves and stand by with the loyalty of a brain that has limitations and prefers habitual patterns rather than insights and transformation. We get stuck on the minutia of the story, rather than focusing on our responsibility and the values we care about and how we want to take responsibility for living them in our present day life.

If she, and I, and you, could think like this more often we might be not only more curious, but more eager to ask for outside voices to challenge our brain's stubborn resistance to humility. We might ask for support. We might listen to learn rather than react to opinions that vary from our own certainty. We might end up with better, more interesting problems.