Piano Lessons and Letting Go…

Our grandson Christian is taking piano lessons. So am I. He and I agree that we do not like to work on correct fingering technique. Sometimes it's ok to cross that thumb under my middle finger and continue up a scale, but other times my fingers have a different opinion than the writer of the music lesson.

He and I were talking about our shared dislike for being told what fingers to use and he asked a great question. "Who even decided which finger we have to use Meme?" I mean, come on - the kid is smart but I have more experience!

Here's the thing. I do not know who decides the fingering system for piano lessons, but I know one thing for sure: they know more about playing the piano than I do. So I suck it up and follow the instructions. Meanwhile, Christian wants to talk to a higher authority about this miscarriage of justice. If this continues, I will make more progress than Christian will with my technique. I will be less frustrated. I will have few appointments with the higher ups. Although I appreciate his curiosity and I admire his desire to "do it his way", I am old enough to know that some things are NOT worth fighting over. Fingering on piano music is one of those things.

Sometimes all of us care TOO MUCH about things that do not matter. This saps us of energy for the things that really, really matter. And although sometimes questioning authority, taking initiative and finding creative new approaches to old ways of doing things is awesome - when over-used, it can make life harder than it needs to be for everyone.

I am in the process of explaining such things to Christian. I hope I will have many more opportunities to engage him in conversations about what to care about and what to let go. It has certainly taken me decades to reach this conclusion, but my life is more serene as a result of caring less.

What about you? What have you cared too much about? What do you need to let go of?

What if You’re Wrong?

Jesus showed us that we need to open our minds to think differently (the parables are all written to shock the listener into a new way of seeing, or what about when Jesus said, "you heard it said but I say unto you"...), we need to make different choices (love your enemy he said, visit Samaria he encouraged, love God more than your family is suggested, etc.), that we need to not just assume a feeling is a fact (fear not the angels keep telling us)... We need to get way more curious about things we believe we are right about and the things we think others are wrong about.

Here's my favorite question I hate to ask myself, "What if I am wrong?"

I'd suggest that each of us take a thought, belief, feeling or action that we THINK we are right about and turn it on its head. Let's ask ourselves - what if we are wrong? Go looking for the counter-position. Study it. See what you can learn. But remember - we have to be willing to start from the position of possibly wrong, not a defensive position of condescension.

Curiosity

For whatever reason, there are people we harm that we do not remember harming. It is good to stay curious about such things. Keep an open mind and attitude about who ELSE might need to go on our list because sometimes we are distracted by the obvious choices.

This is our work and we try to NOT make it easier on ourselves by asking others to help us out. “Hey, if I ever did anything to harm you, I’m sorry...” is a hard-hearted amends and is guaranteed to do more harm.

We may also want to lean into thinking about the excuses we make for our behavior. That is one way we minimize and try to wriggle out of a thorough list-making.

Has anyone ever accused you of “playing the victim card”? Get curious about this too! If we constantly tell stories about ourselves that are filled with self-pity, our judgment might be a bit cloudy.

Just be curious. Notice your patterns. ESPECIALLY if you have places of safety and acceptance in your life to support you as you explore the way you interact with others!

The benefit of making decisions slowly

Some situations are mine to own and respond to! What if I am the lead dog? What if the decisions needed rest at my feet? If I am highly invested, I need to slow down and listen up.

1. Who do I need to learn from? Listen to? Consider? Have I really gathered all the data?

1. Get curious, without trying to sway or influence others.

2. How can I contribute?

1. Do I have a super power I can bring to the table? If so, have I been invited to use it?

If not, STEP BACK. If yes, the final question.

3. What can I responsibly contribute to the situation without any regard for the outcome?

If we are too focused on the outcome, then we will have a very tough time detaching from our feelings, thoughts, preferences, and habitual ways of acting while under stress. When we can practice objectivity and live life without attachment to a particular outcome, we are well-positioned to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

The STEP BACK is an important boundaries tool. But the STEP UP is all about character. What happens when we realize that we’ve messed up? Well folks, there are appropriate responses for that too.

Stay tuned!

More and more curious

Carrying on from yesterday...if you need to get caught up, there is a link at the bottom of the email (for those of you who read via email).  If you're reading directly on the web, check out the post from September 4, 2018.

After the story was told to me, I had some curious questions of my own.  I asked my adult child about the reaction of the other party and I was pleasantly surprised to hear this:

“Well, it was interesting.  Here’s what happened.  When I didn’t get sucked into a discussion about my personality, it allowed me to stay on point with the real purpose of the conversation - which was to provide feedback to this person.  My boss had asked me to handle the problem of this person’s under performance.  The whole conversation started with me having to do the hard thing of explaining why this person’s service contract with us was on the verge of cancellation.  Instead of getting sidetracked with a conversation about me, I was able to return to the original point of discussion:  her need to improve her performance.  Which, by the way, could be done with or without me having a personality at all, either good or bad.”

No one likes negative job feedback.  Right?  But consider the alternative.  What if the vendor had been able to distract the conversation.  In the moment, she could have avoided hearing about her work issues BUT she would have forfeited her opportunity to respond to the feedback and improve her performance.  Which, by the way, she actually was able to accomplish and resulted in her keeping the contract.

Using the “strong back” “soft front” language of Brene’ Brown, the capacity to not chase after the approval of others in that moment enabled my child to provide a kindness to another.  At my ripe old age, I am not sure I would have had the wisdom to do the same.  Tomorrow, I will share what I learned when I asked my adulting child how this decision was made because I believe it holds some practical wisdom for those of us who are trying to rise above our defensive and resentful postures to a more hopeful and courageous way of living.