The Healing of Physical Connection

Sometimes laughter does not work and pleasantries are not enough to support our recovery from stress. This is when we need a deeper connection with a loving presence. During my sorrowful season I relied on a couple of dear humans to walk with me, text with late at night, talk to on the phone when needed. These took a lot of time but my friends were willing to give it to me without condition. My husband gave me long hugs and many "six-second kisses" - a concept we will talk about in a second. My kids visited and did not let me forget I was acting "off" without becoming condescending or nagging. My brother and his family, also suffering, sustained contact and visited.

This point is crucial. There have to be people in your life who allow you to "receive" without expecting anything in return. We need people who allow us to be a "human being" not only a "human giving." We need people who see beyond our job title or their expectations.

John Gottman, a relationship researcher, says that affection on this level is the equivalent of a "six-second kiss." That's a loooonnnnng kiss. His research is around partners, not friends who take long walks with you! But he reports that the kiss tells our body that we are safe with our significant other. Another way to create this atmosphere of affection is with a hug. This is not a quick lean-in hug. This is a sustained hug. If you've watched Ted Lasso (and if you have not you should), in season two there is a long hug after an episode with one of the men and his abusive father. His coach comes in and gives him a HUG. He wraps him in his arms and the character, Jaimie, goes from a stiff-armed robot to a person crying shamlessly as they receive comfort. This kind of hug requires 20-seconds.

Human contact teaches our body that all is good!

Without being creepy and inappropriate, how can you give and receive affection on a regular basis and close that stress loop?

PS. Pets are perfectly acceptable substitutes as is finding "meaning in life" and prayer works too! The goal is to feel a connection outside one's self.

Breathing with Intention

As I mentioned in previous posts, my physician, apprised of my situation, continued to be amazed that my bloodwork did not reflect a woman living in high, prolonged stress. But I was indeed living with grief and loss and the kind of stress that made me want to run and kick and bite and scratch. Exercise helped but so did breathing. The practices that I had used for years were mitigating the effects of my stress on my body but I knew it was only a matter of time before my body would break down.

Deep, slow breaths down regulate the stress response especially if the exhale is long and slow. This is not helpful in high stress situations, but it is effective if you are living with the aftermath of trauma. Breathe in, count to five, hold the breath for five, exhale for five...there you go, you just helped move the needle on your stress cycle.

I tend to do my mindfulness practices in the morning. Maybe this is ideal because no one has done anything quite yet to set my ever loving last nerve on edge. But I suspect that anytime is better than not doing it at all.

How often do you breathe in and out with intention?

Complete the Stress Cycle…

I often think about what it was like for my grandparents to live during the Great Depression. I understand that we are all feeling the stress of the pandemic, and it is bad, but what about living through a pandemic or war without air conditioning, reliable transportation, the internet, television, or access to food or a paycheck? That must have been brutal. My grandparents considered themselves lucky. Embedded in large families on both sides, among them they figured it out. My grandfather had a paycheck, his cousins had farms. He could give them money and they could supply him with food. Someone usually had some means of transportation for the clan, and they would ferry and barter and deliver goods among them. They survived.

Lately, I've been wondering if in the long run, they might be better off than many of us will be post pandemic because of the way they handled their stressors: they were able to complete their stress cycle. They had a need, they figured out who could meet it, they found ways to return the favor.

During the pandemic of 2020, 2021, etc., can we say the same? Does our stress cycle ever end? We are fighting about different political viewpoints but we are not leaning in and collectively serving one another - even if we disagree. This is not universally true. My friends Carolyn and Linda have put their nursing skills into good use and vaccinated the unvaccinated. My doctor tries to help me make sense of all the conflicting reports about best medical practices for living in a pandemic. My neighbor promised me that if we ran out of toilet paper, her stash was so large that she would share with me if needed. But as a collective, I do NOT think we are completing our stress cycles as the waves of stressors roll over us. We are not being as careful with our relationships as I think the situation warrants. We are escalating rather than de-escalating our stress.

I bet you wonder what a stress cycle is and how you might complete it. Stay tuned. We'll figure it out!