Positive Faith in Scripture: God’s Dominant Characteristics

“But you, my Lord,

are a God of compassion and mercy;

you are very patient and full of faithful love.”

Psalm 86:15, CEB

Thinking about faith in positive terms is not just about how we view ourselves- it also has quite a lot to do with how we view God.

Many struggle to believe in God as scripture presents him and as God speaks of himself in scripture. This is because preachers for the last 100 years or so have treated God’s “rare” qualities as if they are “dominant” qualities in order to motivate people into joining churches, or making decisions, or whatever the case may be. Regardless of the specifics, this has largely been done to make the preacher look good and has little to do with God or the person on the receiving end of the message.

Psalm 86 echoes the most-often repeated claim about God in the Bible- that he is compassionate and merciful, and patient and loving. These are his dominant traits. They are the ones most prominently on display “most” of the time (it generally takes hundreds of years to get God angry).

God spends more of his time lamenting the fact that his own people can’t seem to embody these same traits- compassion, mercy, patience, and love- than he does being angry at them over it.

Because of your past, it is likely quite hard to believe that God is the things Psalm 86 says. But, if you did believe them…what would that change for you?

What If it Works?

Our tendency to redouble our efforts, to love the devil we know rather than explore different options, is caused by the changes stress creates as it relates to decision-making. The more stressed we feel about change, the less likely we are to change.

In the early days of the pandemic, Pete's office went to full on virtual working. Pete has always worked mostly from home, so this was not a change for him. His team had a huge adjustment. They needed to find a place at home to set up their laptops and join zoom calls without revealing their sloppy housekeeping. Folks needed to figure out a mute button so that the barking dog or yelling kids (or spouse) did not disrupt meetings. There was so much complaining! Pete did not understand it. Most of his team had a 90 minute commute each way to work - on a good day. Parking in D.C. costs as much as many people spend on their entertainment budget per month! What's wrong with this picture? Virtual working is awesome according to Pete.

A year later, his team agrees. Productivity has increased. People have figured out that having an extra 180 minutes a day is pretty sweet. Spare bedrooms have become home offices. Parents have more time with their kids even though sometimes there are awkward interactions, like the time someone's toddler appeared in the screen lamenting, "Dad, can you please come wipe my butt?"

When we are afraid and anxious, it is harder to think about making changes. But change can be a blessing. One way to try to shake up your survival instincts is to start asking a different question, "What if this works?"

So...explore! What change have you been contemplating? Flooded with doubt and indecision? Ask yourself, "What if this works?"

Accidents Happen

I, like my friend, and maybe like you, have grown up worrying about the reaction of other people to my choices. I have feared several things: disapproval, conflict, hurt feelings...but especially I have feared finding out that I might be wrong or bad. These things - wrong and bad - are kind of measurable. And the facts are in at my age - I'm not bad. I do some things poorly because I'm not Wonder Woman, but I am not bad. Most people are not bad even though many of us are afraid of being bad. Truly bad people NEVER think they are bad - so, if you worry about being bad - you can rest assured you are ok.

Now - being wrong is a different kettle of fish. We are all wrong a lot of the time. This is how we learn. My granddaughter confessed a wrongdoing recently to her Pops and me. We answered in unison, "Accidents happen." She replied, "I know you sillies." I hope we keep reminding our grandchildren in a million little ways that being wrong is human and brings opportunities that being right cannot provide.

We also want to teach them that decent humans understand that it is unreasonable to expect people to get along 100% of the time - again, a lesson I was slow arriving at. People with healthy skills are not afraid of conflict, arguments, or getting hurt. They accept these experiences as part and parcel of the human condition.

Healthy people do not need to care about or agree upon the exact same things. They care about the people they love - whether or not their views align, their hobbies mesh or they pull for the same sports teams. If different opinions causes a rift in the relationship that cannot be bridged, then the relationship may be built on the shaky foundation of the stuff Brené Brown calls, "shared enemy". More on that tomorrow.

A Mighty Good Start…

Yesterday I talked about my friend with the overbearing mom. Her mom, unwittingly perhaps, taught her daughter from a young age that she would never be competent or good enough or responsible enough to solve her own problems. Mom over-reached, over-corrected and over time, my friend developed this bad habit of not trusting herself. Who can blame her?

Recovery helped my friend regain her footing and find her adult self. She says it has been a huge blessing in her life. She tells me that recovery has taught her as much about healthy relationships as it has supported her recovery. Through therapy and 12-Step meetings and support groups, my friend has learned that healthy relationships are when two people solve their own problems while cheering each other on.

Her mom has it backwards. She tries to solve my friend's problem while tearing her daughter down.

Until recently, my friend believed that there was nothing she could do to solve this problem, but it was because she was worrying about solving the wrong problem - her mother. In a way, my friend was modeling what had been taught and modeled by her own mom - worry about other people's issues and ignore your own.

Today, my friend has chosen to assume that her mother is as unchanging as the taste of a Big Mac. But she can change, and she's figuring that out. She has some options, but all of them include absolutely refusing to change her own decisions, plans, and actionable items in pursuit of her own dreams and goals not matter what her mother says. That's a mighty good start if you ask me.

Re-Train Your Brain!

I have a friend who is not as old as I am but old enough to make up her own mind about everything. She can drink or not, smoke or not, work or not, marry or stay single, be sexually active or celibate. These are her choices. But she struggles to make choices because every time she makes a decision her mother gives her grief. Nothing she does is quite right. She's either selfish or not taking good care of herself. She is either too frugal or a spendthrift. The feedback, contrary and inconsistent, would be funny if my friend did not care so much about her mother's approval.

My friend has a boundary problem. I'm thinking about buying her a hoola hoop and suggesting she learn how to wear it as a shield against her mother's intrusion. It's easy to poke at the mom and blame her for my friend's distress, but that violates my core value of taking responsibility for every single part of life.

My friend shares this value but she is struggling to practice it. So is it a value for her? Yes, I believe it is and I have seen her over the years develop good skills with others. But her mom might just be her final test in taking responsibility for her life. All of it. Including learning to reject, let go of, activity resist HER REACTION to her mother's words.

Yes, that's it I think. She cannot control her mother but she can learn how to practice new ways of responding. Her brain, lazy as all brains can be, prefers that my friend respond with despair just like she always did when faced with so much negativity as a child. She will have to try all sorts of new tricks of the trade to re-train her brain to stop caring so darn much about her mother's opinions.

This is hard work. It will be learned clumsily over time, so long as she practices. She's practicing and I'm excited to hear, over time, how it works for her. This I know - if she figures this out, she will be able to be more loving to herself and maybe even her mom. That's a big win from my perspective.