Giving Up and Starting Over

I only know one way to keep the faith - and that is to find a way to understand my life through the lens of scripture. I have a ton of favorite authors; I practice various spiritual disciplines with about as much regularity as I imagine you do; I have thousands of quotes (many inspirational) that I love and store religiously in notebooks that my children will discard over my dead body. These things are helpful. But for me, and I know I'm a weirdo, but it's the way it is - the scriptures are the thing that usually turn my desperation into a decision to carry on. I blame John the Baptist for this.

While Jesus was living in the Galilean hills, John, called “the Baptizer,” was preaching in the desert country of Judea. His message was simple and austere, like his desert surroundings: “Change your life. God’s kingdom is here.” Matthew 3:1-2 The Message

In a previous blog I shared Barbara Brown Taylor's perspective on John's call to repentance. She believes that John's followers heard hope for a new beginning in his call to repent. She suggested that more of us need to repent of our despair than our arrogance. (Can we have both?). This reminds me of my experience with the 12 steps. Both the steps and the gospels invite us to move away from our compulsion to stare into mirrors and bemoan our fate.

From John's perspective, this other way of viewing repentance is healing, not shaming. It asks us to turn from needless recrimination and see the intentions of God's heart - to work with what we give him - even our worst mistakes.

Taylor says it like this, "Those of us who have committed ourselves to a life of repentance and return will not give up on ourselves, no matter how many times we have to repeat the process." (p. 25, Teaching Sermons on Suffering, God in Pain). Why do we not give up? Because we believe in a God who will not give up on us.

Being a Good Friend

Desperation is unsustainable.

Cheryl Strayed

I realize that for many of us we experience different kinds of desperation. Some of my friends are desperate to see their grandchildren, others are desperate for their sick loved ones to survive covid. I have friends who have fared well in this economy and others have been without work for nine months. Some of my friends feel desperate about the election results; others are desperate for the inauguration of the newly elected president. None of this is sustainable.

At some point in time, all of us are going to run out of adrenaline and we’re going to have to ask the question - what next? Surprise, surprise, I have a suggestion.

Be a good friend. Friendship is all well and good when there is no discord or conflict, easy peasy lemon squeezy. Friendship is all fun and games when both parties share the same definition and experience of desperation. But what happens when the two roads diverge and there is some distance? This is the space where we find out whether we have (or are) a friendly connection or a good friend. A good friend is not just a person that you like and they like you back. A GOOD friend is one who, according to the proverbs, sticks close as a brother. I am lucky enough to understand this proverb. I have a brother who comes when I call and who calls when he needs me to go - and we go. Full stop. End of sentence.

Stress does funny things to people and I am hearing a ton of chatter about how many friendships are being re-evaluated after a prolonged period of cultural desperation. I’m not on board with the idea that friendship needs to be based on perfect alignment of opinions. A good friend is able to endure the pain of distance and just hold on until the necessary shift happens - however that looks. A good friend does not require the other to make them feel better. Good friends are not there to shore up our egos. A good friend practices self-reflection more than other-analysis. A good friend works on the practices required to do hard things - because being a good friend is hard. Grace. Mercy. Forgiveness. A good friend sticks close like a brother when it would be easier to disconnect. A good friend fights for the friendship in ways that are often humbling. A good friend gently lets go when they discover that they had a friendly connection rather than a friendship because they love their friend more than they love the gift of friendship they received. I want to be the kind of person who can tolerate the discomfort of difference. How about you? What’s going to be left of us when our adrenalin-fueled desperation runs out? What happens when we move beyond the beliefs, ideas, and ideologies that we are so enamored with right now? Who will be left to bring us a chicken casserole when we need it? Who will we bring a chicken casserole to?

Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.

Proverbs 18:24 The Message