Showing Up as an Act of Courage

Dr. Willimon challenges us in his body of work and his life to accept the offer of living out our calling in all the roles in our life. This calling has certain parameters, based on who did the calling. I believe that my calling comes from God - an external agent, someone who tapped me on my shoulder and I responded, "Yes. I will follow you." Now, it can be argued that I had no clue what this would entail. Fair enough. But still, I made a commitment. I also dream. I mean literally. I have dreams. Some of them, once in a great while, feel like God's hand on my shoulder. Once I had that experience, whether or not I enjoyed my purposeful life every day became a moot point. Now this is a freaky story, and it is ok if you don't believe it. I really don't need you to believe it because I know it is as real and true as sacred as the feeling that comes when I eat peanut butter out of a jar with a spoon. Heavenly! But this is a freaky story warning.

For the last four and a half years I have been in an enormously powerful estranged relationship with someone I love. He's disappointed in me. I've continued to wrestle with how I feel about him. Until last night. I had a dream. In the dream, Pete, the kids and I were packing to sneak away from what I perceived was a dangerous situation involving this person. I have this thought in my head that we have to escape on the sly because our life is in peril. In the dream this person who I am estranged from in real life tells me that he has been fired from his job and his "sketchy" behavior has been all about trying to protect me from this knowledge. So maybe he is not dangerous, maybe I misread the scenario - I think in my dream.

I go over to comfort him. I pull him into my arms, I rub and pat his back, and I tell him, "Do not let people who cannot see your worth put a price on your value." He weeps. I hold.

And then I add..."We have to pack up and go home now. I cannot be here anymore. I do not know if you, who cannot see your own worth, have the capacity to see mine. I do not know if you can reflect back to me my value. I am going not because I do not love you; I have to leave because I cannot be courageous and live my own life in a meaningful way unless I am surrounded by people who value me." And then I woke up.

I understood. I was given from an outside source (I think it was God's Spirit) clarity for what has haunted me for four and a half years. Part of this estrangement has been about safety for me. And I always wondered - why do you feel so unsafe that you have to hide? I have my reasons but I think today I see it through another lens of knowing. I do not have to hide; I have to choose. I have to be courageous and faithful. I have to move towards something - my life as a person of faith. I must practice it. I must practice what I believe which is that we are all inherently worthy and that our value is not dependent on others' assessment of us. We are not a house that requires a yearly tax based on how much we could be sold for in the marketplace. If I believe that FOR others, I must also require it for myself as a condition of connection.

I have experienced the external sense of determination Willimon speaks of - there are moments when God puts his hand on our shoulder and leads us beside quiet waters, he refreshes our souls, he guides us along the right paths. It may be a quiet nudge in a dream; it may be a moment of clarity; it may be a sense of calling; it may eventually lead to a meaningful life. But our God is a God who can work with what we bring to him. And so, I have to ask, what kind of fool would I be to not heed his call?

Disappointing Sincerity

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I have studied people all my life, not in a creepy way, but with a lot of curiosity and interest.  As a result of wasting so much time people gazing, I have accrued a cache of information about people and myself.  One thing I’ve learned about myself is how little I understand people!

When I was young, I used to think that sincerity was the key to an abundant life.  It’s not.  Sincerity has very little correlation with mastering change or receiving the gift of transformation.  I learned this from working with guys from a treatment facility in our community.  The newbies that come through the program show up after detox with the same wild variations in disposition and personality that the rest of the human population possesses.  Some are sincere about getting sober, others are surly and resent the program.  It is completely impossible to pick out which guys will run the distance and which ones will relapse.

Sincerity disappoints me more often than not. 

But what has worked for people is this more elusive component of change called determination.  Determination is a nice, sturdy word,  but don’t let that fool you.  A person can practice determination with as much creative expression as an artist. 

There was this guy who started attending our church while in treatment.  He was not peppy.  He was pitiful.  At 65 years of age he had not been sober in a sustained way since he was 10 years old.  He had no expectations that the program would work, but it was winter and we were in the middle of a particularly cold spell and he was court ordered to attend a program and this was the only one he could afford (free).  He didn’t like the 12-steps or the program director.  He didn’t make friends easily and he was kind of a whiner.  He was constantly living with consequences for misconduct.  But he kept at it.  Today he works a full-time job, owns a home, returns to the treatment facility to volunteer multiple times a week and has acquired a small but faithful bunch of buddies who encourage and support one another in sobriety.  At a public speaking engagement recently he said, “I never even considered that I could one day not live under a bridge.”  He was NOT determined to live a big dream or dare to be great - the world knocked all that out of him at an early age.  But in desperation he followed instructions one day and then two and three until he had amassed a boat load of days - he determined to simply do what it took to stay in a building that also happened to have a recovery program experience.  Determination.  One step at a time.  What do you need to determine to do?