Dial It Back: Emotion Regulation

In my Dialectical Behavioral Training class, I am gaining insights into the value of emotional regulation. It seems to me that emotional regulation is a skill set that also helps the practitioner take more responsibility for their thoughts and actions too. It all works together. I have been fascinated by the topics of learning to distinguish between discernment and judgmentalism. If we can learn how to STOP being judgmental, we actually gain more control over our thoughts, feelings and actions.

This is really hard work, but it is also hard because most of us simply have been trained to be judgmental and had no training in developing discernment. Reread that sentence. I believe it with all my heart.

Discernment is the capacity to deal with reality and acknowledge the truth. Judgment is an opinion we form in our mind. When we avoid judgment, we actually reduce our emotional reactivity; we have better discretion about what is our part to do or not do; our thoughts are clearer; our relationships are more peaceful and so are we!

My instructor (Marsha Linehan) told a story about a Tiger that I’d like to retell it (my way) to illustrate this point. Suppose you go to an animal park with your friend. The animals are safety fenced in, but this one clever tiger gets loose and….eats your friend. “Oh no! You think. This SHOULD NOT have happened to my friend.” I suspect your friend would agree but he isn’t around to weigh in on the subject. The park officials say, “Who left the tiger gate open? She SHOULD NOT have done that!” The park official thinks this is bad (judgment) because they are worried about getting sued. The young guy making less than minimum wage who is going to take the fall for this accident says, “The owner SHOULD NOT BE SUCH A CHEAPSKATE! I TOLD HIM THE LATCH TO THE GATE WAS FAULTY AND TONY THE TIGER WAS LEARNING HOW TO OPEN IT!” All judgments. All in the minds of people. All formed from different perspectives but agreeing on one point: this is BAD.

What does the tiger think? “Yum. Yum.”

Discernment is what is needed to solve this problem; I suspect if this happened in real life what we would be stuck with is judgment. See the difference? The moral of this story is that all our blaming and judgments are a waste of time. Instead, what if we focused our energy on becoming better humans?