Faux Intimacy vs. True Connection

“When someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, ‘For the same reason I laugh so often - because I am paying attention.’”

Glennon Doyle

Fixation is different from attentiveness. Fixation is getting stuck; attentiveness opens us up to new ways of thinking, seeing, doing and feeling. Fixation leads to compulsivity, certainty, restlessness, agitation and discontent. Fixation isolates us from others because our fixations never align perfectly with the world or the way others experience life. Fixation creates barriers.

If fixation has so many downsides, why lean into it? It also has benefits. It gives us a feeling of certainty. It allows us to find people who share our fixations and instantly we feel connected. And this is the biggest problem for me with fixation. It’s a shortcut to relational intimacy and it’s a losing proposition.

Brené Brown speaks, and I have quoted her a million times, about this faux intimacy created when we share a common enemy or a common fan crush. I smile at strangers who have on a University of Virginia sweatshirt - I feel connected. But they do not know me and I do not know them. There is no shared experience of true “knowing”. How do I even know that this sweatshirt clad human is a Virginia fan? I do not. My Virginia Tech educated son has often worn Virginia gear. (It’s easy to find at our house and he prefers to get it sweaty over his good Tech swag.)

Intimacy and attentiveness are required for real life connection. When our Virginia Cavaliers won the NCAA title Pete and I took time off work (gasp!) and drove up to Charlottesville to welcome them home. We waited outside the JPJ arena with hundreds of strangers for the buses bringing the team home from the airport. It was convivial. It was fun. We felt the zing of faux intimacy.

Then we saw a couple we actually knew and decided to share a burger and bask in the glory of the coveted championship title before returning home. We talked about our jobs and kids and memories. THIS is true connection.

True connection takes time. It’s inefficient and requires more than a shared passion for a team. We discover points of agreement and disagreement, experiences we share and others we do not. These differences are enriching AND can reduce our certainty and fixations. It’s as simple as trying a new burger place (for Pete and I) that is an old standby for our friends. True connection requires that we pay attention and it will require us to let go of certainty in deference to curiosity. It will require us to open up to new ways of seeing as we share the lens of another human by listening to their worldview.

What good is fake connection? It’s all a mirage.

Unlikely Love

God has given us so many incredible examples of unlikely love. Take for example Ruth and Naomi. Ruth came from a different religious background than Naomi, her mother-in-law. After their shared affection dies (Ruth’s husband, Naomi’s son) Naomi graciously offers Ruth the gift of freedom. She invites her to return home to her family of origin. This would enable Ruth to find another husband, maybe even one who lived near her family.

Naomi faces an uncertain future but Ruth refuses to bail on her. Ruth says this -

“Do not press me to leave you and to turn back from your company, for wherever you go, I will go, wherever you live, I will live. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God.

Ruth 1:16

But this is highly speculative - Ruth is a “foreigner” in a land that does not like immigrants - especially as marriage material. Going home for Naomi, now without sons, in no means guarantees a warm reception and provision for care. In the end all is well.

But Ruth does not know that when she chooses to be a good friend to Naomi.

Good friends make decisions that are often NOT in their best interest in deference to the higher call of love. I for one have been blessed with friends who have shown me that kind of love; I try to be that kind of friend back. But there is no guarantee that I can and will be a good friend. They love me anyway.

Good friends take the right kind of risks - they risk personal comfort in favor of brotherly love. They risk awkward moments of disagreement in favor of loss of connection. They risk conflict in favor of abandonment.

These are not easy times and yet we must remember this: it has never been easy to be a good friend. I wonder if we might pray for all of us to be better friends now that we have so many stark reminders of the potential for loss as a result of disease and intolerance.