Pay Attention!

This past summer a team of hardworking folks helped write grant proposals for Northstar Community. None panned out. When I hear the word "grant proposal" I start twitching. Grant proposals are a lot of work and the more challenging the proposal, the more invested the applicant becomes in the outcome. If we as a team are not careful, we will conclude that there is nothing that we can do to create funding streams to grow a community that loves to serve those who often have no financial resources to meet their desperate need for recovery. This, in psychological terms, is called learned helplessness.

There are hundreds of studies about experiments that teach animals to be helpless, even when a way of escape is made available. Heartbreaking, right?

Here is what we all need to remember: the game is rigged. The enemy is not the conditions of the experiment, the enemy is the mad scientist who thinks up these games and studies the participants with cool detachment. Researchers say that the kinds of pervasive problems that lead rats to feel helpless create "chronic, mild stress." I can only assume that every time someone mentions the word "grant proposal," my body has a stress response. I also assume that those who did the heavy lifting with the grant proposals (not me) might actually twitch when those words are spoken in their presence.

To manage our stress, we need to recognize that we exist in an environment where there is often "chronic, low-level stress." Women understand this when they work in corporate America. People who study these things say that women are granted only 30% of the air time that men are given in meetings. Boys speak up more than eight times than girls as early as elementary school. People who do not fit the social norms of "skinny" are judged and treated with blatant disrespect. This is. IN SPITE of the fact that evidence teaches us that for the older set, people above the healthy BMI range live longer than those who are at the lower BMI range. Don't even get me started on the difference in racial equality.

What's my point? Pay attention. There is one other issue that needs acknowledgment. People who do NOT share the same experience have a very difficult time accepting that differences are real and they are stressful. This is even true for people who are experiencing the inequality. For many, acknowledging these differences is more painful than addressing them. This is a double whammy for the folks who notice.

Second point: Do NOT fall into the trap of learned helplessness. The game is rigged. Account for the stress, but unlearn the helpless myth. Tomorrow, we'll unpack that!

The Nature of Evil

Roy Baumeister is a psychologist who spent time studying the nature of evil. He was startled to discover that he had to change his questions in order to complete his research. He began by asking the question: "Why is there evil?" and later amended it too read, "Why do some people do things that other people consider to be evil?"

According to Baumeister, the problem was this - the most evil among us do not see their actions as evil. They have constructed a world in which their evil actions make sense. They are certain and do not equivocate - they have a right to take these actions, they deserve to hurt and disrespect others. Their self-esteem is through the roof! Truly evil people believe that they are good and everyone else is bad.

It turns out that certainty is actually harmful for us. Certainty makes us feel worse. Certainty and our efforts to achieve it lead to more anxiety and insecurity.

The more certain we become, the less alert and curious we are to the situations around us. We feel more entitled and less humbled by circumstances that challenge our convictions. Maybe we think we deserve to cheat at tennis, because we are certain we should be able to win some games off of our husband - hypothetically speaking! (Just for the record, I do not cheat at tennis. But I think about it.)

The more we embrace uncertainty and curiosity, the more comfortable we get with knowing that we do not know, the higher our potential for health and happiness. Uncertainty leads to less judgment, more growth and the potential for progress in solving problems. The more we can acknowledge that we do not know, or - heaven forbid - are wrong, we open up to knew ways of being in the world.