What Can You Add?

“If it doesn’t add to your life, maybe it doesn’t belong in your life.”

Unknown

When I was growing up I heard that in America you could grow up to be anything you wanted if you followed your dream. The implication was, I think, that if you did not achieve your dream, perhaps you didn’t try hard enough or want it bad enough because in America, anything is possible. And it is true that in America many things are possible! But not everything. It turns out, the sentiment is not quite true. Until July 25, 1960 a person of color could not eat a meal served at a Woolworth’s lunch counter. The first person of color to do so ate at a Woolworth’s counter in Greensboro, NC. I hope they got a cherry coke. But that is 1960. I was four years old. It was not and is not possible in America to be anything we want to be when we grow up just because we want it and it’s America. In many churches I cannot be a pastor because I have two boobs and no penis. Do these words offend you? You are not alone. I am offended that we tell little kids one thing and then not follow through with our promises by making it possible.

Here’s my point. We may need to expand the quote above to say this: “If it doesn’t add to your life or the life of another person, it doesn’t belong in your life.” Here’s why. Progress is a slow and ambling journey. We know that God is up to something good, and his will is to move toward a more fair and just and equal world - but it takes time. While we wait, we must not be complacent. We must not base our decisions on what benefits us, but perhaps what benefits others in the future.

I’ve written about this before. Unwittingly and without any noble intent, I entered the University of Virginia as one of the early classes that allowed women. There was nothing radical about my application process. I applied because my favorite guy friends were applying and my best girlfriends and I decided - why not? We had some inkling that we were one of the first co-ed classes but WE DID NOT GET IT. I won’t bore you with all that we did not understand.

But I will say this, when my daughter eventually attended The University, the experience was a bit better for her than it was for me. There was more diversity, more females in the class, no harassment by the upper class. The dorm was still lousy and the urinals still remained in the antiquated dorm bathrooms from the good old days of male onlys - but it was better. Today, the gender distribution is 45% male and 55% female. I can only imagine it is a LOT more equitable today. I hope so.

I’m not sure that I can say that attending UVA added to my life. Honestly, I kind of wish I had expanded my options and considered a softer, gentler collegiate experience. But I will never regret walking through an unplowed field if in so doing it made it a bit easier for my daughter to follow in my footsteps. There will be a few times in our life when we will have to abandon the basic principle of “addition” in favor of the chance that we “add” something to the life of another.

Following God’s Path of Love

“The fact that someone else loves you doesn’t rescue you from the project of loving yourself.”

Sahaj Kohli

Almost 60 days into a new year and I wonder how you are feeling about all the hopes and dreams you considered as 2020 wrapped up and a new year was born. Is the news still distracting you from your work? Have you gotten a bit complacent as the winter has settled in and we have been lulled into less activity by the short days and cold temperatures?

Consider this if you need a bit of incentive to rise up and get to work on following God’s path of love.

“The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for your relationship with your child, your spouse, your parents, your friends - every relationship you have. Invest in yourself so you can invest in them.”

Erica Layne

Success can look a million different ways

What else can success look like?

It depends.  It can look like a million different things.  It doesn't have to have anything to do with money.  I used the example yesterday as a demonstration of a person who represents non-dualistic success.  He earns a lot of money, but his money does not define his life. He uses it, not the other way around.

I've known people who are incredibly greedy who make middle class money.  I've known people who make upper class money who give, and give, and give, and give.  The important thing to remember is that a person's financial success, or their prestige, does not tell us anything substantive about that person.

People with money are not people to imitate simply because they have money.  But, if they demonstrate a certain kind of character with how they use their money, then there is something there worth paying attention to.  So often we elevate people in our minds simply because we know they do well in their career. We need to dig a little deeper in our evaluations because we need to be discerning about who we idolize and, at the same time, because we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard.

Do not become trapped in thinking that success can only look one way for you.  If that singular vision does not come to fruition, we will struggle to see ourselves as anything but a failure.  Successful living is so much more than whether or not we accomplished one particular dream or one particular goal.  It is about the various ways in which we pursue our certain way of seeing.  

While individual goals may be thwarted and individual dreams may die, these things cannot stand in our way of living out our core values.