Re-Framing Failure

Here is the thing about failure. It's like problems. It is inevitable. We will always have problems and we will always experience failure as long as we live. This is called reality. And it's not all bad news. Failure inspires innovation and creativity. Aren't sticky notes, one of my favorite school supplies EVER, the result of a failure to create something else?

Why, oh why, do we ever think that avoiding failures and problems is even a thing? It's NOT a thing.

So here is what is THE thing: horrific failures and huge disappointments are inevitable. The question is, what are we going to do about them? Are we going to allow them to define us or will we use them to teach us? I am sure there are plenty of GIFs and memes about how failure is a good thing. Failure is not a good thing. It is a useful necessity.

So I personally do not celebrate failure. I cry and pout and gnash my teeth and eat a jar of peanut butter. But eventually, I try to leverage the experience for change. Pain, it turns out, is necessary for growth.

So while we are all running around and trying to avoid failure, I ask you to reconsider: what are we losing by playing small, by being so afraid of failure that we shortchange our potential for growth...and dare I say it, even success.

Thinking and Rethinking

An easy way to care less and focus more on the issues that really matter in our life is to start assuming we are wrong. I am deadly serious about this. We are wrong most of the time. Our beliefs are often misguided or distorted. Our conclusions are usually more hypothesis than fact. We are wrong most of the time.

It is an awesome spiritual practice to ask yourself, "What if I'm wrong?" Remember, our brain does NOT like to contemplate being wrong. This form of inquiry requires it to fire up extra cylinders and kick itself into a higher gear. No self-respecting brain wants to do that! Our initial response will most likely be something along the lines of, "I couldn't possibly be wrong about this!" Again, just to be clear, yes. Yes. We could be wrong.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

Aristotle

We will need to challenge our mind - a powerful force that is well suited for denying anything that is inconvenient and will cause more work. When we ask this question, we may discover that indeed, we were right! That's great, but it will in no way grow or develop us. It will always be in the midst of discovering something wrong that we will get smarter, wiser and...better at playing the piano if we will humble ourselves and consider a different perspective.

What are you so sure about that you might need to rethink?

Suffering Does Not Have to Destroy

Easter is over for this year, has been for awhile now. I've spent more than Easter's time slot on the subject of suffering and resurrection. But if I may, indulge me one more blog post. Suffering does not have to destroy us. Your suffering does not have to destroy you.

We are in far greater danger from the extremes to which we go to avoid our suffering. We run from our own deaths, we try to evade hard times. Rather than confronting our suffering, we are far more likely to go in search of an enemy to blame. Please consider that those things you most oppose - be it personalities or politics or even sports teams - these are distractions. They are also dead ends. Our lives will never improve through an obsessive focus on blaming and opposing others.

Instead, I would point you to Jesus. The losing God. The God who refused to say he was King even though he was one. Jesus, the guy who raised his friend from the dead (too late to avoid a scolding from his friends Martha and Mary perhaps) knowing that this would be the final straw and lead to his own death. Jesus, the guy who tried to tell us that death is far less scary when we sit in the hands of God than it is to live a life missing the point.

Don't miss the point, please. And, when you do, like me, miss the point - don't beat yourself up. Take a break from social media and maybe dig in the dirt or take a long walk or play an instrument or listen to a song that makes your heart sing. Make cookies with your grandchildren - if you don't have grandchildren, make cookies for someone. Invite a friend to sit on your patio and soak up the sun and a little encouragement. Say yes when your friend invites you to play bridge even if you have to rearrange your schedule. Love the ones you're with. This is truly, our one wild and precious life. Don't waste it worrying about whether or not your silly little sideboard might be stranded in the Panama Canal.

Embracing a Growth Mindset

Carol Dweck also has provided a list of practical ways to embrace a growth mindset. Here are some of them:

* Embrace challenges. They build the resilience muscle and loosen the grip of fear of failure!

* Persevere, especially when failure is not only an option but a legitimate possibility. Here’s a weird thing about perseverance. I find that resistance to change and a fear of failure often gets inflamed right before a breakthrough of some kind. Today, when I experience discouragement I try to remember to get curious: what if something really amazing is about to happen?

* Talents and abilities can be developed. Isn’t that awesome? I am amazed that my daughter who majored in finance can transfer her skills and learn new ones in the field of IT. My son the pastor has developed a talent for photography and a skill at website design. My son the artist has increased his range of artistry and added “lead singer” to his already impressive musical repertoire. My husband has developed this uncanny ability to read my anxiety before I notice it and take action to support me before I have a meltdown. This involves a lot of supporting on his part. Once, when we were newly- weds I called him the most selfish person I ever met. Which wasn’t true, strictly speaking, but I have to say that today he is the most unselfish human being I will ever know. And me? I’m not without my own growth points. Today I figured out how to share a screen on zoom without having to get technical support from anyone. I know. Impressive, right?

* Find inspiration in others' success. Instead of feeling threatened, think more about what is true. Success is not a scarce resource. When someone else succeeds, we can celebrate that and remember that if they can, we can.

* Process errors with a desire to correct them without getting caught up in perfectionism. If you need support in this, google famous failures. Notice how many errors they make. Or watch sports on television. I watch a lot of tennis. Even the best and most athletic frame their shots or miss the service box.

* Accept feedback as a way to learn. Let me add here that Carol used the word “criticism” in place of feedback. I’m not a fan of criticism, but I do appreciate feedback. That said, sometimes even the most harsh and cruel criticism can be instructive - I just think it carries with it so much pain and suffering that I’m not sure that it is worth what we have to go through to get to the grain of truth from critical people. There’s a difference and I think we all recognize it when we experience it.

* Embrace new experiences with a desire and commitment to mastering new skills.

* Collaborate and innovate with people who challenge us to grow. I have some folks in my mind that do that for me on a regular basis - it really is such a great thing, to have others inspire our own commitment to growth.