Uncomfortable Closeness

We do not need the news accounts about famous men kissing women against their will to know that physical boundary violations are common place. It's called assault (and worse) but when we experience it, we may not realize that it is happening. It's not usually a stranger who crosses these physical boundaries; the offending relative does not always appear creepy.

It can be a trusted grandfather (or grandmother), a sibling, or parent. Stroking, hugging, touching, even tickling - anything that feels uncomfortable is a violation. Few children tell. Is the problem in need of a solution to form better physical boundaries? That would be helpful.

But what is even more crucial is for all of us to foster in ourselves and others healthy emotional boundaries. For my junior prom, I went with a guy I barely knew. Mistake #1. But my friends really wanted me to be there and in 1973, that required a date. He had a purple corvette and it matched my dress - I liked that. He seemed nice enough as I got to know him. But on prom night we both had very different expectations. We were not out of my neighborhood before he pulled out a bottle of alcohol and began his pre-party preparations. This was not ok with me.

That guy crossed a boundary and I was exercising my right to say no. I ended up going home with a different, lovely friend (whose own date soon hooked up with my date). All is well that ends well. But why was I willing to put up such a strong boundary so quickly with a guy whose really cool car matched my dress?

For whatever reason, I had strong emotional boundaries in that moment. My strong feeling of discomfort out-weighed any other considerations.

Even afterwards, when the switcharoo was the talk of the school and my parents, who chaperoned, were totally freaked out when they saw my date leave with another, none of that bothered or embarrassed me. No angst. I was at perfect peace - and had a lovely, lovely time.

It turns out that our feelings provide us with lots of guidance if we listen carefully; they also connect us with meaning. I was willing to ride home with my befuddled parents if absolutely necessary, but I was not willing to step into that purple corvette with a guy who was going to drink his way through the evening. No way. Not going to happen. My core values, my self-image, my beliefs? I could not tell you any of them at that time. But I had a feeling and I went with it. No I did not want a drink. No I did not want to go to his friend's house before prom. His response, "I had a feeling you were that kind of girl." Yep. Even he had feelings!

When we do not have strong emotional boundaries, we cannot execute on our appropriate physical boundaries. Young girls who do not feel safe and secure within their family are not going to feel equipped to squeal on Uncle Jimmy with the wandering hands. If we want our kids to learn how to protect themselves in the physical world, it is important to figure out how to support healthy emotional boundaries. If we keep beating ourselves up for making poor, inexplicable choices, stop that! Instead, consider the possibility that it is time to explore the wellness of our own emotional boundaries.