Fail Often, with Great Joy

This is important. No one has perfect judgment. No one can, should, must, ought, or needs to be responsible all the time. No one can avoid mistakes. No one can live up to their own expectations or the expectations of others. In fact, assuming too much responsibility is more linked to trauma than it is too sainthood. I wish I had learned this earlier in life and I will spend the rest of my life giving other people permission to do what I could not allow myself to do for most of my life - fail often with great joy.

Fail at being 100% available.

Fail at avoiding pitfalls and mistakes.

Fail at trying so darn hard.

And notice, in the midst of all this failing to achieve, that everyone else is also failing.

Normalize failing and practice non-shaming responses. If we can pair those two principles together, then we can create an environment that is less traumatizing. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Armed with what we know - failing is not bad but it is inevitable - share failings aggressively. This serves several important purposes. It de-stigmatizes our shame and it encourages others. When Pete fails, I do not think he is a failure; I sigh with relief that maybe I do not have to be perfect either. It provides me a chance to remind him that we all fall short, so what? It helps to share with safe people, and that may require some additional failing along the way. I'm amazed at how differently humans respond to my own confessions of shortcoming. Sometimes I share and then feel that I made another mistake in sharing; I want to lie and hide from my limitations. But others get curious, ask questions, help me turn my failure into an experience, and remind me that I am not a mistake - I made a mistake.

2. Be the person other people can fail around. This doesn't mean that we never give feedback, we can and do (with permission). We just figure out how to be a safe person in the midst of recovering fromfailure.

3. Notice that the only way to avoid failure is to stop learning, growing, and leaning out over our skies a bit. It leaves one with a very, very small life.

How is fear of failure holding you back?

Empathy for Outbursts

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Our unhealthy reactions (or outbursts) to deeper problems that hide beneath the surface represent our body's attempt to distance itself from something unpleasant.  I've used grief as an example this month as grief is what hides beneath the surface for me at the moment.  Other unpleasant things our bodies avoid include: trauma, stress, anxiety, fear, betrayal, threats, the future, the past, the present, the unknown, and so on and so forth.  Each individual person maintains triggers that are particular to him or her and those are simply some of the options.  

The bottom line is, regardless of what triggers us, our reaction to the trigger, when we're unaware of what lies beneath, is unlikely to result in others extending empathy towards us.  This is because our reactions appear so unrelated to the reality of what lies that beneath that the people that are caught up in our outbursts cannot help but feel anything other than confused, annoyed, angry, resentful, etc.  An outburst does not provide the people around us the information they need in our bear a burden alongside us.  

An outburst is a sign that we need help, but people generally don't experience outbursts that way.  It tends to be that people on the receiving end of an outburst see the person who "outbursted" as a person to avoid.  

Scott on Scott:

I actually kind of like this post. It’s important to take time to reflect on how other people are experiencing us. It’s also important to take time to reflect on how we are actually doing. It is, then, important to be able to voice how we are doing to others and to, potentially, ask for what we need (if we need something). This way people can respond to us based on what’s going on with us and what we need rather than just our reactions to things. 

Also, if you want to receive empathy, it’s a good idea to offer as much of it to others as you can (as well as grace).

A Well-Constructed Scaffolding

"Mom, how many therapists do you need?"

"As many as it takes."

"As many as it takes for what?"

"As many as it takes to support my limitations so that I can live my one wild and precious life."

Here is what I need you to know. Your limitations probably are not going anywhere. No one is as shocked by this as I am. I am shocked, stunned, gob-smacked, that I can be this old and still have the same limitations I had when I was twenty. But it is true. And I hate to break it to you, but I bet you do too.

The illusion of youth is that "growing up" means outgrowing our limitations. Sorry. Not my experience.

Instead, what I have learned is how to construct scaffolding around myself to support my growing up. Kate Bowler, one of my favorite humans on the planet, says that, "Life is a chronic condition." And boy is she right!

Maybe we can learn from our brothers and sisters in the mutual aid society world of AA, NA, al-anon, nat-anon, etc. Some things we manage. And that's ok. This is only a problem if we fail to recognize our need for managing our limitations with humility and hopefully a bit of grace!

Finding the Right People (pt. 1)

“Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you.”

Misty Copeland

If we do not have the right people around to support all the ups and downs that go along with becoming a person who risks failures and setbacks in order to grow, then I’m not sure anyone will ever be able to become a person who lives on a growth path.

This is one of the few certainties in my life; I am lucky to have a partner and kids and friends who believe in growth and do not react to my limitations with judgment. They have long ago taught me that they do not sit in the cheap seats watching from afar and commentating on my foolishness.

I can be foolish; I think that comes with being human, so I try not to hold it against myself when I am. And that’s point two: it does not matter how many right people are there to support us if we do not agree that we are worth supporting.

This is a very very big point. If we are not careful, we can confuse support with dependence. And that, my friends, NEVER works to build a growth mindset.

So - in review:

1. Find people who support us. This may take awhile, and I suspect along the way we will have to recalibrate our choices as more is revealed about the nature of others.

2. Commit to supporting ourselves. Lean into this idea of failure as a learning experience not a judgment call.

To be continued.

There is No Cure For Being Human

“There are some things you can choose and some you can’t. And it’s ok that life isn’t always getting better... Life is a chronic condition and there is no cure for being human.”

Kate Bowler

There is no cure for being human. There is no cure for being you. Accepting this is not giving up, it’s learning how to live without illusion. I have had a variety of experiences in my life when people have shared with me the nature of my humanity. It has not always been pretty.

Evidently, I can be quite the disappointment. But here’s the thing and I hope we do not miss this point: this is the nature of being human. We are all human beings and we are all, at some point, disappointments.

That is in many ways beside the point.

The point, I think, is to find those people who are with us when we are our most disappointing. Find those people who say, “Yeah, yeah, but you are MY disappointment and I love you to pieces.”

Stop trying to NOT be a disappointment; really, stop it right now. It’s holding us all back from creating a kingdom where God wants to come hang out. (Although he’s God and he’s crazy about us, so even our most disappointing efforts are no match for his mercy.)

Instead, find people who can handle you warts and all. If we find those people? Oh boy - we are at least one foot inside the perimeter of heaven. And hopefully it will teach us how to be that kind of person for others.

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we really are.”

Brené Brown