Practice Being Uncomfortable…

Failure is demotivating. It's frustrating. I do not always respond well when I perceive I have failed. I think this is a fairly predictable response to discomfort, but guess what? I'm learning that being uncomfortable is a precious gift on the path to growth.

Pete and I enjoy our empty nester early morning routine, which includes solving a puzzle or two before we rush off to a day filled with adulting. One of the puzzles I prefer, Kakuro, is a great crossword like puzzle without words. You have to align numbers 1 through 9 in such a way as to come up with the designated total count both vertically and horizontally. Sometimes it is really hard and I get frustrated trying to solve it. The secret is to just keep working the puzzle. Plug away, fill in what you can. Start with the easy ones - a two square line that equals 16 HAS to be 9 and 7, and if you put those two options down on paper, you might discover that there is only one square the 9 or 7 will fit with the corresponding vertical or horizontal line that has its own unique options and restrictions.

Here's the point: even when unmotivated, uninspired, freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional - keep moving. Not in a habitual, robotic, reactionary way - but from a place of humility, curiosity, and surrender. Maybe today I will not solve the problem set in front of me but I might get better skills for my effort. I may learn new tricks that will help me with tomorrow's puzzle.

If we feel like we have to be motivated to make progress, we are wrong. If we think we have to succeed, we are wrong. If we think we need to have warm fuzzy feelings about our adulting, we are wrong. Here's what's right: keep moving and as we move, try to pay attention to aligning ourselves with our core values.

I align myself with my core values when I follow my teacher's instructions for piano fingering practice. My values include the belief that I am a student of life and lessons learned in one arena inevitably translate into other dimensions of life. I value expertise and I appreciate when I have access to it. I believe that there is value in doing things that feel unnatural at first, because it is a sign that I am awake, alert and not asleep in a habitual, unconscious patterned way of thinking, feeling and behaving with certainty.

What do you need to practice today that will be uncomfortable?

Re-Framing Failure

Here is the thing about failure. It's like problems. It is inevitable. We will always have problems and we will always experience failure as long as we live. This is called reality. And it's not all bad news. Failure inspires innovation and creativity. Aren't sticky notes, one of my favorite school supplies EVER, the result of a failure to create something else?

Why, oh why, do we ever think that avoiding failures and problems is even a thing? It's NOT a thing.

So here is what is THE thing: horrific failures and huge disappointments are inevitable. The question is, what are we going to do about them? Are we going to allow them to define us or will we use them to teach us? I am sure there are plenty of GIFs and memes about how failure is a good thing. Failure is not a good thing. It is a useful necessity.

So I personally do not celebrate failure. I cry and pout and gnash my teeth and eat a jar of peanut butter. But eventually, I try to leverage the experience for change. Pain, it turns out, is necessary for growth.

So while we are all running around and trying to avoid failure, I ask you to reconsider: what are we losing by playing small, by being so afraid of failure that we shortchange our potential for growth...and dare I say it, even success.

A Charmed Life…

Recently someone told me I had a charmed life. They did not sound all that happy for me. No one had ever said that to me before and I was instantly curious about all that charm I evidently possessed. So I inquired, "Do tell me more! How is my life charmed, from your point of view?"

Here is the response: "Well, you do not have any problems and everything you try works for you."

Oh boy.

If that is the definition of my charmed life, well, I'm feeling like I lost something I never knew I possessed. I have plenty of problems and I fail and have failed at every single thing I have undertaken in life. I have failed as a wife and mother, a sister and daughter, a friend. I have failed as a granddaughter. I have failed as an employee, an employer, I have even failed to be a particularly good enemy at times (although sometimes I rock that one).

To be honest, a lot of this failing is the result of my own immaturity and lack of wisdom. For example, I felt like a failure when my pre-med chemistry grade my first semester of college knocked me out of the market for med school. At least, that's how I thought of it back then.

Today, I recognize that I had choices - I could have retaken the class. More true and to the point, I really did not want to go to med school. If I had, I probably would have worked harder to overcome that Chemistry grade. I cannot really count a sub-par grade in Chemistry as a failure (especially since I switched it to pass/fail and avoided taking a hit to my GPA).

When my college boyfriend cheated on me and broke up with me without actually telling me, I considered that a failure. But it turns out, it was the best thing that ever happened to me because I ended up marrying the best man in the whole wide world - 43 years ago and counting.

So evaluating charm and failure is tricky. Tomorrow, more on failure -aren't you excited?

Developing a New Mindset

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

Corrie Ten Boom

I honestly do not know how to tell anyone anything meaningful about abandoning any powerful emotion in favor of love. I just do not know. I do know it is a great idea. I’m also learning some things about change. And who in their right mind could possibly believe that nothing needs to change at this particular moment in time?

Has anyone ever said to you, “Just stop worrying!” Does it help? What about all those other helpful suggestions of what YOU need to stop - as if you haven’t thought about that yourself a million times?

What does help?

There is power in believing that we can improve and accomplish what we set out to achieve. But this is NOT a vague message about having more faith, or sticking with hope, or even God has got this so stop whining. This is a very specific way of believing.

It relates to how we experience failures and setbacks.

When we develop a mindset that sees our failures and setbacks as opportunities for growth - we are developing the kind of resilience that allows us to face challenging situations and come to believe that we can improve and accomplish goals that are important to us.

How do we accomplish this shift? I have some ideas. Stay tuned! For today, if you are interested in bolstering your resilience and capacity for achieving your goals, give thought to this idea that failures and setbacks as opportunities for GROWTH.

Hear me clearly - the focus is on the belief that we can GROW. This does not mean that we will necessarily succeed at everything we try. This is not magic. But what it does mean is that we can alleviate some suffering, worry and sorrow which will free us up to find more productive ways to cope with our lives - and maybe even thrive.