Becoming Sensitive To Insensitivities

Brenè Brown tells a story about moving to a new school and only getting invited to the black kids birthday parties. Why? Because her given name did not sound "white" enough. Weird, right? Here are ways that we struggle and cope with unfairness:

1. We develop the inability to feel compassion because we. just. can't. do. it. anymore.

2. We minimize or excuse the suffering.

3. We feel helpless and responsible and stressed out but do not DO.

4. We stay in a bad situation because we feel like we are Jesus and it is required of us and no one else should have to endure this torment.

Notice that these are not helpful and they increase our stress and the stress of others. We need to learn to DO something different. To be continued...

In the meantime, where have you been insensitive? When have others been insensitive toward you?

What Can You Add?

“If it doesn’t add to your life, maybe it doesn’t belong in your life.”

Unknown

When I was growing up I heard that in America you could grow up to be anything you wanted if you followed your dream. The implication was, I think, that if you did not achieve your dream, perhaps you didn’t try hard enough or want it bad enough because in America, anything is possible. And it is true that in America many things are possible! But not everything. It turns out, the sentiment is not quite true. Until July 25, 1960 a person of color could not eat a meal served at a Woolworth’s lunch counter. The first person of color to do so ate at a Woolworth’s counter in Greensboro, NC. I hope they got a cherry coke. But that is 1960. I was four years old. It was not and is not possible in America to be anything we want to be when we grow up just because we want it and it’s America. In many churches I cannot be a pastor because I have two boobs and no penis. Do these words offend you? You are not alone. I am offended that we tell little kids one thing and then not follow through with our promises by making it possible.

Here’s my point. We may need to expand the quote above to say this: “If it doesn’t add to your life or the life of another person, it doesn’t belong in your life.” Here’s why. Progress is a slow and ambling journey. We know that God is up to something good, and his will is to move toward a more fair and just and equal world - but it takes time. While we wait, we must not be complacent. We must not base our decisions on what benefits us, but perhaps what benefits others in the future.

I’ve written about this before. Unwittingly and without any noble intent, I entered the University of Virginia as one of the early classes that allowed women. There was nothing radical about my application process. I applied because my favorite guy friends were applying and my best girlfriends and I decided - why not? We had some inkling that we were one of the first co-ed classes but WE DID NOT GET IT. I won’t bore you with all that we did not understand.

But I will say this, when my daughter eventually attended The University, the experience was a bit better for her than it was for me. There was more diversity, more females in the class, no harassment by the upper class. The dorm was still lousy and the urinals still remained in the antiquated dorm bathrooms from the good old days of male onlys - but it was better. Today, the gender distribution is 45% male and 55% female. I can only imagine it is a LOT more equitable today. I hope so.

I’m not sure that I can say that attending UVA added to my life. Honestly, I kind of wish I had expanded my options and considered a softer, gentler collegiate experience. But I will never regret walking through an unplowed field if in so doing it made it a bit easier for my daughter to follow in my footsteps. There will be a few times in our life when we will have to abandon the basic principle of “addition” in favor of the chance that we “add” something to the life of another.