The Little Engine That Could Not…

I used to think I had to be the little engine that could until I realized one day that I could not. I could not keep on with this pattern of living that required me to give without regard for my own wellbeing. Most of us are familiar with Jesus' teaching on "turn the other cheek." As a Christian, I figured this was an important teaching - after all, it shows up more than once in the gospels. It really does SOUND like we are supposed to set ourselves up to be human punching bags in these passages. And, my family system of origin, while completely irreligious in my early formative years, taught me the same thing. I lapped this stuff up like it was melting ice cream on a hot summer's day.

Why? Because if JESUS said turn the other cheek, then maybe I did not need to question the way in which I was parented. I could ignore the unhealthy aspects of my family and focus my attention on doing what I was raised to do - give.

I am not going to try to exegete such an important passage of scripture in a blog. But here's what I'm learning. The world is a violent place and people are not particularly nice. When under duress, they probably are never going to see someone else's position from a place of compassion and empathy. That's a given. It's not personal, it is a reflection of who they are not what you have or have not done.

However, the effect of this violence is devastating. And it is violence. Anytime we are not living in such a way as to communicate positive regard for others and deep respect, it is an assault on each individual's capacity for virtue.

Turning the other cheek, for all that it means and does not mean, may point us in a certain direction for understanding. We need to learn that the world is a violent place and how to handle these constant assaults on our souls. The answer is rarely going to be found within the context of the relationship of anyone who is willing to strike you on your cheek in the first place. Depending on the relationship, it may need to be addressed.

But other times, it simply needs to be acknowledged. That person was violent toward me. I need to turn and walk in a different direction. This does not preclude a relationship but it changes the nature of the relationship in profound ways.

And hear me on this...you do not have to keep giving to that relationship. You can step back. You can give someone else a turn to give to them.

What relationships are you in that are not nurturing? Step back. Re-evaluate. Consider other options. Sometimes we need help sorting all this out. That's ok. Just know that there is something there that needs sorting, and if you do not do so, your body will let you know.

When We Know Better, We Do Better

Most people who know me understand that after years of teaching about "codependency" as a dreaded disease that needed to be eradicated, I have changed my mind. Again, more on that later, but for now, let's clear something up in terms of assumptions.

When we know better, we do better. Codependency was a word that was created to describe the dance treatment professionals noticed between family members and loved ones with their "dependent" - a person with a substance use disorder. I'm sure those early observers didn't mean it to become a cuss word or a term of condescension - but this is what happened.

Families were soon getting "blamed" for their loved ones choices even as the experts told them that they did not cause, nor could that cure or control the disease that had overtaken their beloved. But honestly - if anyone has ever said to you, "Wow, that's pretty codependent." You felt blamed. At a minimum, you felt judged.

In Emily and Amelia Nagoski's book, Burnout The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, they discuss the role of science in their introduction - and it is brilliant. They remind us that science is a particular way of being wrong. This certainly would have been good information for us to remember as various ones of us have railed against "the experts" during the covid crisis. Science is SUPPOSED to get it wrong; that's how they figure out how to get a bit better at a problem that no one had ever resolved before! Scientists are trying to be a little bit less wrong than the ones who came before them. They want to be wrong in a particularly helpful way. They want to be wrong in a manner that can be tested and proven.

Codependency language was a first step; it was picking up on something that addiction researchers understand better now, because, well, science. Addiction is a family disease - and various family members "break out" in different symptoms. The person with the use disorder looks one way; their loved ones look another. All of it is fairly predictable.

We could think of it like this. The family members become the "human givers" and the used disordered represent the "human beings" - because, duh. When someone has a use disorder, their brain is greatly compromised. They are fighting to survive and do not have much capacity for giving. This disparity is not limited to families with use disorders, but I just want to make note of the similarities because...as we walk through what happened to me and how I found my way through the tunnel of darkness, maybe others will find common ground and (I hope and pray) maybe their own way "through."

Today, take a few minutes to see where you are in life. Are you giving or being?

Human Giving or Human Being?

Philosopher Kate Manne wrote in Dawn Girl: The Logic of Misogyny about a system with one class of people she called the "human givers." The human givers were expected to offer their time, attention, and affection to another group of people called the "human beings." She implied that the "human beings" had an obligation to express their humanity while the "human givers" were required to GIVE their humanity to the human beings. As we can guess, the givers were the women. I am blessed to know many human givers who are male: my husband, my sons, my nephews, my brother, both my brothers-in-law and a bunch of guy friends. But her point is well-taken. I do believe that in our culture, we are trying to address the lopsided role of "giving" versus "being" as it relates to gender differentials.

Regardless, if you feel like you are a "human giver" surrounded by "human beings" - you may be onto something pretty ugly. In the last five years, with the help of people who I learned to trust, I had to come to grips with the fact that I was not supposed to need anything. This was a pattern that was ingrained in me. My personality seems to be vulnerable to this false belief AND my family system certainly supported this belief.

Human givers are supposed to be able to anticipate the opinions and preferences of others and behave accordingly. If they do not figure out how to give the people what they want, they will be shamed, punished or even destroyed.

There could not be a more perfect plan devised to achieve a state of complete breakdown of the human spirit.

Our body, with its instinct for self-preservation, knows that giving up our preferences in favor of serving the opinions and preferences of the collective is a recipe for disaster. Our body tries to alert us to our need for change - it gets sick, has trouble sleeping, starts ruminating, has panic attacks, and loses its capacity for joy. But within the system of "human giving" versus "human being", the system is rigged to teach the helpers that they are SELFISH if they have a political opinion, or a preference, or a need to express their own anger and disappointment.

If this sounds a lot like codependency to you, you are sort of right. But that's for another day's discussion. I wonder, do you think you struggle more with giving or being?

On The Verge…

The last couple of weeks have been short takes on how we influence one another - for good or...not. I am a lucky duck in that I am surrounded by influencers who are lovely supporters. But sometimes - even with the best support in the world - we find ourselves emotionally exhausted, depleted of our capacity to show compassion and with a relentless, nagging feeling that nothing we do will ever make any difference.

This happened to me. In hindsight, it all makes perfect sense. First, my mother died. That would be difficult enough but the circumstances surrounding her death knocked me flat. I responded as I do; I came home from the funeral and tried harder. But, what I could not ignore was that everything I had done to keep our family together as a unit and to avoid the possibility of our dysfunction splitting us apart was futile. As a young girl I made two vows:

1. I would never want my family of origin to be broken apart by dissension and jealousy (as I had seen played out in previous generations.)

2. I wanted to create a family when I grew up that was a few steps removed from pathological.

Is this too much to ask? It turns out, it was. Of course you, dear reader, see the problem. I am but one human in a family system comprised of many humans. I was doomed to fail. To be clear, I think I managed to not birth any serial killers - my kids are awesome! But families are all complicated in their own way.

The second thing that occurred, was this blasted pandemic, right smack in the middle of a cultural revolution. If you don't know this, maybe I could give you some context. It has been extremely difficult to be a pastor during a pandemic and political upheaval. If you are not a pastor, I suspect this won't mean much and I will not bore you with the heart wrenching angst of it all. But it was - and is - pretty unbearable in some ways.

Maybe I could have kept paddling my boat if I faced either one of these events, but two of them? I did not have a chance. Self-care, therapy, super influencers, a family this is loving and not pathological? These things probably kept me out of in-patient treatment, but just barely.

But I learned a ton along the way, and I want to explore that for awhile with you. Stay tuned.

Mostly True

As a general rule, I'm not all that fond of the book of Proverbs. Each verse needs to be broken out and commentated on for it to make sense. For example, consider Proverbs 17:17:

"Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble."

I give this one a true-ish score. Families, ideally, stick together in all kinds of trouble. But I've seen up close and personal how a parent can teach that to a child but not be able to keep that kind of commitment themselves.

It is lovely to think that people can handle the ups and downs of life, and a few can. But many cannot. We need to tell ourselves the truth about this - especially as it applies to our own boundaries. There are things that I have decided I am not willing to stick around for anymore. Am I selfish? Am I a bad person? Maybe. But it is also possible that I am learning more about what it means to take responsibility for my own choices and decide for myself that some things are just too much for me to handle.

Maybe you can handle more. Awesome! Maybe you can handle less. Nothing wrong with that! But in all these things, it is important to tell ourselves the truth about what's going on with us and own our choices. I find it so interesting that people often place expectations on others that they would never require themselves to live up to - pay attention to this! This will help you sort through your options.