UnLearn Helplessness!

I felt immediately better once I realized that, as a female pastor, the game is rigged. It just is. But this was not the first rigged game I played. My list is long and boring, I don't need to rehash it - but it is true. What I really need to focus on, and maybe you do as well, is teaching my body that the game may be rigged but I am not helpless.

How do we do this? We DO something.

Remember those animals they taught to be helpless? They untaught them. They forced them to escape by dragging them to safety. Eventually the dogs (in this experiment) eventually learned to escape without human coercion. We can learn the same!

When we feel trapped, freeing ourselves from ANYTHING can teach our body that we are not helpless.

I have a friend who is struggling with past disappointments and abandonment. These past issues are done. She feels helpless over the effects they have had on her relationship with men. What can she DO? Well, she cannot undo her childhood trauma.

But what she did do was join a gym and get fit as a fiddle. She found a therapist who gets her. She is DOING. This helps reduce the stress that helplessness causes.

Today I was feeling helpless over those dang grant applications. I cannot change the outcome. But I did phone a friend and check in with them every hour all day. I did not call them to lament my grant status. I called them to see how they were doing - friendly connection. The goal in unlearning helplessness is to stabilize ourselves.

You can DO something. What are you doing to get out of the trap you feel helpless in?

When is Enough, Enough?

One of the questions I began to ask myself in the face of some pretty harsh conditions was this one: "How much more do I have to do before I've done enough?" This is a great question to ask when we are under a lot of stress, especially if we have wise companions to help us sort out our confusion. "Done enough," might best be understood as thinking about living out our core values and sacrificing for them. This is a good thing; but it can also be quite destructive. The gift of the pandemic and family suffering for me was coming to realize that I was doing the wrong stuff for the right reasons.

If my life and spiritual path and love for scientific data taught me that personal freedom and chocolate cake for breakfast leads to a fulfilling life, then I am quite sure my goals for myself would look different. I would have, perhaps, become a baker who refuses to work according to anyone else's schedule. But this is not what life and the pursuit of faithfulness has taught me. For me, what I happen to believe is that a meaningful life requires that we all find a way to connect to something larger than ourselves. I assume this will be hard and not always fun.

Years ago, I noticed how hard it was for people in recovery or in need of recovery to fit into some of the traditional environments for meaningful connection. I was in a position to participate in changing this dynamic and it felt like a worthy goal to me as a woman who grew up in a family that could have used this kind of community but never found one. I still believe and support this dream.

When I thought my work included helping others find a meaningful life and provide them the tools to accomplish it, I was a failure. And presumptuous too. But once I burned out, I realized that my success was not dependent on convincing others how to do hard things; my truest goal is to be present for people who are having a hard life. My desire is to continue to show up because it is who I am. This shift is seismic. I am not responsible for making it easy for people to be faithful; I am responsible for being a faithful person.

I cannot tell you how much added stress I have heaped on myself over the years because I had this misguided notion that somehow I was supposed to be helpful to people in this particular way. I have quit this life of hoping that if I try hard enough others will try hard too. I do not plan to return.

Suffering for Freedom

Jesus was not an ideal god - he suffered for things he did not do and was punished for loving too much. Our world is built on knowing who has the power and making sure we get some; Jesus turns that all upside down and says the last shall be first.

Terri and Tom C. are raising money for scholarships for the Threshold (a new venture for our little community); many of you have supported those efforts and have beautiful stained glass objects of art or gorgeous candle holders to prove it. All are beautiful. But what looked an awful lot like Jesus to me was the picture Terri posted in our NSC fb group - her fingers after all that working. Scratched and dented puts it mildly. Now look, Terri will not like me calling attention to this, so I may need to make her some brownies, but it is the best example I can imagine of what we've been talking about in the last few blogs. Terri loves doing her art, it's part of her giftedness and she loves this place and she likes to support it any way she can BUT she suffers too for the effort. Owen M. and the other drivers who staff the van to pick up our friends from The Healing Place, have to get up super early to do this job. I call out Owen in particular because he lives so far out on a piece of land that resembles a slice of heaven - his commute is epic. I could go on and on with the examples of the things so many of you do to serve and support our community. But it involves suffering. It's ok to acknowledge that - in fact, we should talk about it more so that suffering becomes an expectation, not something we all seek to avoid like the coronavirus.

I just want to say this to all of you who suffer for the benefit of another person - you're doing ok. The suffering is not a sign that something is wrong, it is an indication that something is right in a world that gets it wrong most of the time. You'll be a weirdo. Most people won't get you. But if you are suffering to benefit another, way to go. Jesus and those who follow him lose more than they win, but what they gain we cannot put a price on - a partnership with God, true freedom.

So we run this world our way...and for folks who want to be faithful to God's vision - we try to run it his way - in keeping with his vision. What do we need to change in order to do a better job of not just wanting to do it his way - but following through on that vision?

Jesus Shows the Way

Jesus was a good man but he was not such a good god (according to Barbara Brown Taylor) if you compare him to all the gods that came before him. He was not big and strong and demanding that his followers feed his ego. He was like no other god before him - a suffering one.

So let's make a note of that right off the top: we have freedom which gives us liberty but it does not give us license to do whatever feels good. We have the freedom to choose but our choices are boundaried ones. And they cause suffering.

Just because something is technically legal doesn't mean that it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims.

1 Corinthians 6:12 The Message

Here's why: we are conditioned to think, feel and act in ways that are contrary to what John the Baptist came preaching and Jesus modeled. John the Baptist preached repentance - not out of guilt or shame, but his was a liberation theology - you can be saved from your old life and receive a new one. This assumes of course that our old lives are unsatisfactory. And I see no reason to think that has changed much.

Our survival instincts, long bred within us cry out for the same characteristics ancient mankind attributed to their gods - strength and power and domination. But Jesus did not come to appeal to our lowest instincts, he came to call us to our highest potential - a whole brain experience. He came to transform the world by loving it, not controlling it. Which, interestingly enough, models the same thing God modeled. Here's the thing I will never understand about God. He chose to enter into a partnership with humanity by inviting us to be part of running the world. He did not make us start at the bottom of the pyramid and work our way up into a position of worthiness. Straight after creating Adam and Eve, he says - "Here, run the place." (Genesis 1 - 3 gives us a good look at God's big idea and the rocky launch his concept endured.)

Most of the time it seems that it is more natural for us to run the world based on preferences, on finding a pattern that our brain can accept - us and them. This is our survival instinct - and it looks different for different people. At our house we play team game tag, which basically means Pops and Christian and Norah against Meme. Pops has a great self-preservation instinct, he's always ahead of the kids. Others among us think our survival depends on finding our one true love - who completes us - or finding a group we can belong to who will keep us safe. However our instincts define survival, we are well practiced at it; this has unintended consequences.

What happens when our fears and insecurities cause us to over-react in a frenzy for survival? What happens when we see danger lurking around every corner? Stay tuned.

Jesus Has a Bad Day

I know we are not supposed to disagree with Jesus, so I won't. But this parable that I want to wrestle with is really not my favorite of his body of work. It is from Luke 17, and it goes like this: “Suppose one of you has a servant who comes in from plowing the field or tending the sheep. Would you take his coat, set the table, and say, ‘Sit down and eat’? Wouldn’t you be more likely to say, ‘Prepare dinner; change your clothes and wait table for me until I’ve finished my coffee; then go to the kitchen and have your supper’? Does the servant get special thanks for doing what’s expected of him? It’s the same with you. When you’ve done everything expected of you, be matter-of-fact and say, ‘The work is done. What we were told to do, we did.’”

I am not a fan of thinking about all the ways we have mistreated people by placing them in roles of slaves and servants. I'm a big fan of a world in which we all understand that "we are all bozos on the bus" - to quote my friend Dale Ryan. But Jesus did not use this parable to talk about inequality, he used it to show us the reality of the work set before us.

In Dr. Willimon's book Accidental Preacher, he makes it abundantly clear that much of what we think of as sacred calling is not glamorous. Nor should it be! I love this guy because he speaks what so many are afraid to say. In Kate Bowler's podcast Everything Happens she interviews Dr. Willimon (September 22, 2020 episode 23: Will Willimon: Your Work is a Calling). I am going to poorly paraphrase him so PLEASE go listen to the entire podcast! But here goes...

Dr. Willimon says, basically, that the deceit of modern life is believing that we can strip the roles from individuals for the sake of individuality. He continues to make his case by declaring that there is no YOU without the roles, assignments and relationships in your life.

In Jesus' parable, the servant knows his role and he fulfills it. Full stop end of sentence. This is so very unattractive to a culture who has hyped individuality and freedom to the detriment, I fear, of community care and service for service's sake. Tomorrow, I'll continue to unpack this, but for today - please do not skip the opportunity to ponder what this terrible, awful parable teaches.