A Realist…

"The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets people to do the greatest things."

Ronald Reagan

Although many folks might consider a person like me rather pessimistic, I would say I am realistic. I'm not one to get my hopes up too much because I fully expect that things will NOT run smoothly. I am fortunate to have influencers in my life who can balance out my caution with unbridled optimism - and I love them! They are quick thinkers and they love to anticipate a new day with endless possibilities. Where would I be without those friends?

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?

Mostly True

As a general rule, I'm not all that fond of the book of Proverbs. Each verse needs to be broken out and commentated on for it to make sense. For example, consider Proverbs 17:17:

"Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble."

I give this one a true-ish score. Families, ideally, stick together in all kinds of trouble. But I've seen up close and personal how a parent can teach that to a child but not be able to keep that kind of commitment themselves.

It is lovely to think that people can handle the ups and downs of life, and a few can. But many cannot. We need to tell ourselves the truth about this - especially as it applies to our own boundaries. There are things that I have decided I am not willing to stick around for anymore. Am I selfish? Am I a bad person? Maybe. But it is also possible that I am learning more about what it means to take responsibility for my own choices and decide for myself that some things are just too much for me to handle.

Maybe you can handle more. Awesome! Maybe you can handle less. Nothing wrong with that! But in all these things, it is important to tell ourselves the truth about what's going on with us and own our choices. I find it so interesting that people often place expectations on others that they would never require themselves to live up to - pay attention to this! This will help you sort through your options.

Troublemakers

Troublemakers start fights; gossips break up friendships. Proverbs 16:28 The Message

I grieve the loss of friendships that occur needlessly. Maybe this is just me being old, but it is true, the older I get the more appreciation I have for my friends who have been willing to hang in with my particular brand of humanity. Friendships are precious and should be handled with care. I believe it is the exception, not the rule, for people to know how to manage relationships with respect, dignity and positive regard.

Recently I accidentally downloaded a harlequin romance novel on my audible app. Never again. But I'm a bit OCD about books and once I start one I am compulsive about finishing it. This particular novel had all the elements of a 'good' romance according to novels: a kidnapping (mostly the kidnappers were kind), an undercover police detective (who somehow managed to jump on the boat and stay with the damsel during the ordeal without the kidnappers killing him), and instant love-at-first-sight between the detective and the fair maiden. Whisked off to a Caribbean island (because why NOT go in style) these two were somehow able to carry on their romance in the midst of a hostage negotiation! This involved the detective barking orders, kissing the maiden without her permission and at one point demanding, "Take your clothes off; it seems to be the only way we can have a conversation." Oh boy. And she smacked him numerous times because...why not?

I began to think about all the old movies I had seen where love was portrayed first as a battle. No wonder guys think girls who say no might not mean it! In the movies, the hero can be cranky and rough and demanding and the women swoon. In the Christmas movie 'It's a Wonderful Life' Jimmy Stewart is not exactly gentle with his bride when he gets in a mood. Even the Hallmark movies manage at least one scene where an adult, who should know better, might tell a kid, "Hey, he just picks on/teases you/tickles you because he likes you." Learning to tolerate this is called grooming for sexual exploitation, not a lesson in 'how to get a girl'.

This is not love. Fighting is a sign of trouble. Conflict is a normal part of loving but needs to be resolved within the boundaries of respect, dignity and mutual positive regard. Speaking negatively about another person to anyone but that person is gossipy. Now look - I get it. We all unload once in awhile. But maybe we should take more care with that. If fighting and gossip are a habitual pattern, something needs to change. Friendships may need to be relinquished. This does not make anyone necessarily 'bad' it just means that for whatever reason, the combination of personalities is not a good fit. Maybe in the discomfort of needing to break up as friends, people behave badly - this too is normal for folks who lack the skills to gently let things go. Once we recognize that this is the issue, we should back up but I pray we can find ways to do so that extend love.

Too Many Friends?

The man of too many friends [chosen indiscriminately] will be broken in pieces and come to ruin, but there is a [true, loving] friend who [is reliable and] sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24

How could too many friends possibly cause us ruin? It's easier than one might think. Here's why. Friendship is hard; if you think you have a ton of friends, you might be misidentifying friendship; it is too hard to be a friend who is reliable and sticks closer than a brother to have but so many friends.

My grandson was telling me last night about his friend at school who he plays with all the time. Yesterday, this friend did not want to play with him. Does that make him an enemy? No! It gave me a chance to teach a toddler about boundaries. Afterwards, I considered how often it seems to me that we adults need to learn this stuff too.

Over the course of our lives we will have many opportunities to explore whether or not a person is a true, loving friend. Their (and our) limitations in the area of friendship is nothing anyone needs to judge. It's not always about whether or not someone is a 'good' or a 'bad' friend. More often, it is a question of discernment - is this person a friend to me? Do they have the capacity to stick closer than a brother? This is a high bar for me because my brother Bobby has set a high bar for my friends. I'm lucky that way.

The trick is to live in reality and not illusion. What does it look like to stick close? Tomorrow we'll explore that topic.

Trust is not the same as being like-minded

Friends come and friends go, but a true friend sticks by you like family.

~ Proverbs 18:24 The Message

Even as a child, I learned one particular non-negotiable relationship issue. It was trust. I learned that the difference between someone my grandparents were friendly with and someone for whom they counted on was predicated on trust. My grandmother was wicked smart; she watched people; she let people have the time it took to teach her whether or not she could trust them. I’m not sure if others necessarily knew which list they were on, but my grandmother was crystal clear. She could be friendly with everyone, but she trusted only those that taught her they could be trusted. She was patient; she waited for people to teach her who they were and if they could be trusted with her most vulnerable realities. For her, trust was NOT about total agreement on all subjects, it was about whether or not a person had the capacity to care and be cared for as circumstances dictated.

My grandmother maintained a certain amount of watchful but kind distance in some relationships, she even had a couple of notable compassionate endings to relationships that proved incompatible with the community she was part of. Many benefited from her quiet ability to be a good friend to others and choose her own friends wisely.