Mostly True

As a general rule, I'm not all that fond of the book of Proverbs. Each verse needs to be broken out and commentated on for it to make sense. For example, consider Proverbs 17:17:

"Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble."

I give this one a true-ish score. Families, ideally, stick together in all kinds of trouble. But I've seen up close and personal how a parent can teach that to a child but not be able to keep that kind of commitment themselves.

It is lovely to think that people can handle the ups and downs of life, and a few can. But many cannot. We need to tell ourselves the truth about this - especially as it applies to our own boundaries. There are things that I have decided I am not willing to stick around for anymore. Am I selfish? Am I a bad person? Maybe. But it is also possible that I am learning more about what it means to take responsibility for my own choices and decide for myself that some things are just too much for me to handle.

Maybe you can handle more. Awesome! Maybe you can handle less. Nothing wrong with that! But in all these things, it is important to tell ourselves the truth about what's going on with us and own our choices. I find it so interesting that people often place expectations on others that they would never require themselves to live up to - pay attention to this! This will help you sort through your options.

Policing Bad Behavior

My grandson told me that when he hears a police siren, he knows FOR SURE that one of his friends at school is getting a visit. "Why do you think he is the reason the police are coming?" I ask.

"Meme, he is a bad bad boy and causes lots of trouble." Well, ok. But this is the same kid that my grandson also tries to play with sometimes - usually to his detriment if his stories are accurately narrated. I've tried to share with him as best I can what I am learning about being a good friend.

Here are some questions that I ask Christian to consider when choosing friends.

"Does this friend help you be a kind person when you play? Are they kind to you and others?"

"Does this friend make you feel happier when you are having a sad day?"

"Does this friend share?"

I try to mix the questions up a bit, but my point is this: a friend, a true friend, needs to refresh our soul. Christian is too young to hear the rest, but when he is in first grade I will share more. I will tell Christian that I try to pick friends who make me a better person, who make me feel less anxious and frustrated by the world and more at peace in the present. I will tell Christian that I try to stick with friends who do not always make me happy - because sometimes we need loving pushes to grow, but who always have my back. I will tell Christian that good friends make you a better human, especially when you disagree on issues. But right now, I'm just working on getting Christian off this idea that he runs the police and they will do his bidding by picking up kids who do not follow his rules. It's a process, right? We're all doing the best we can AND we are working to learn more and do better.

Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight, a sweet friendship refreshes the soul.

Proverbs 27:9 The Message

Adjust as Needed

I love traveling through life with my friend Jean because she pays attention to people and she has seen me at my worst. I know I can be a pain in the neck, but she has somehow managed to put up with me without actually making me feel like she is enduring waterboarding as my friend.

Our friendship started with some magical affinity that drew us together but it has endured because we have not let our humanity pull us apart. If you have friends who have taught you that they start fights but lack the courage to actually resolve them, if you have friends who gossip about you - folks, these are not friends. I know it is sad anytime we discover this, but we must live in reality.

Troublemakers start fights; gossips break up friendships. Proverbs 16:28 The Message

Do you have any relationships that need to be adjusted?

Troublemakers

Troublemakers start fights; gossips break up friendships. Proverbs 16:28 The Message

I grieve the loss of friendships that occur needlessly. Maybe this is just me being old, but it is true, the older I get the more appreciation I have for my friends who have been willing to hang in with my particular brand of humanity. Friendships are precious and should be handled with care. I believe it is the exception, not the rule, for people to know how to manage relationships with respect, dignity and positive regard.

Recently I accidentally downloaded a harlequin romance novel on my audible app. Never again. But I'm a bit OCD about books and once I start one I am compulsive about finishing it. This particular novel had all the elements of a 'good' romance according to novels: a kidnapping (mostly the kidnappers were kind), an undercover police detective (who somehow managed to jump on the boat and stay with the damsel during the ordeal without the kidnappers killing him), and instant love-at-first-sight between the detective and the fair maiden. Whisked off to a Caribbean island (because why NOT go in style) these two were somehow able to carry on their romance in the midst of a hostage negotiation! This involved the detective barking orders, kissing the maiden without her permission and at one point demanding, "Take your clothes off; it seems to be the only way we can have a conversation." Oh boy. And she smacked him numerous times because...why not?

I began to think about all the old movies I had seen where love was portrayed first as a battle. No wonder guys think girls who say no might not mean it! In the movies, the hero can be cranky and rough and demanding and the women swoon. In the Christmas movie 'It's a Wonderful Life' Jimmy Stewart is not exactly gentle with his bride when he gets in a mood. Even the Hallmark movies manage at least one scene where an adult, who should know better, might tell a kid, "Hey, he just picks on/teases you/tickles you because he likes you." Learning to tolerate this is called grooming for sexual exploitation, not a lesson in 'how to get a girl'.

This is not love. Fighting is a sign of trouble. Conflict is a normal part of loving but needs to be resolved within the boundaries of respect, dignity and mutual positive regard. Speaking negatively about another person to anyone but that person is gossipy. Now look - I get it. We all unload once in awhile. But maybe we should take more care with that. If fighting and gossip are a habitual pattern, something needs to change. Friendships may need to be relinquished. This does not make anyone necessarily 'bad' it just means that for whatever reason, the combination of personalities is not a good fit. Maybe in the discomfort of needing to break up as friends, people behave badly - this too is normal for folks who lack the skills to gently let things go. Once we recognize that this is the issue, we should back up but I pray we can find ways to do so that extend love.

A Good Friend

A good, true and loving friend is a person who can deal with your humanity. Each of us express our humanity in different ways; our expression of humanity appeals to some more than others. This does not make either party 'bad', nor 'better' if they happen to prefer one brand of human over another. Affinity is a necessary element of choosing one's friends - and it is our right to choose and I would suggest - our responsibility to do so wisely.

Overlook an offense and bond a friendship; fasten on to a slight and - good-bye, friend!

Proverbs 17:9 The Message

Over the course of a lifetime, we test this out and the level of intimacy is adjusted between parties accordingly. These kind of adjustments can be handled better by understanding boundaries. Human foibles are normal and the better we are at dealing with them, the more likely we are to enjoy relationships.

This is NOT the same thing as putting up with behavior that is uncomfortable or disrespectful, undignified or hints at a relationship built on conditional regard. It is true, sometimes in certain ways we are all a bit 'too sensitive' but it is also true that sometimes people are not sensitive enough when it comes to managing a friendship. It cuts both ways.

This is where good conflict resolution skills are needed. It helps if we can learn how to have tough conversations about how we are feeling about an issue while maintaining mutual respect, dignity for all and unconditional positive regard. These three skills alone can go a long way in creating an environment where even the messiest of relationships can be managed.

My grandson is learning that his friend's preference to play with others on a particular day is not personal. How my grandson handles the situation may indeed impact whether or not future play dates are possible. It would be awesome if everyone had the skill sets to state boundaries clearly without making others guess. I believe this is too much to ask of a four year old - but what about us?

As you reflect on your own friendships, is there a conversation that might be necessary? A kindness that needs extending? A boundary that needs to be drawn more clearly? In all things - respect, dignity and unconditional positive regard. Those are the keys if we want to be fully human and decent beings.