Go Enjoy Your Day!

I have about run out of material, for now, regarding all the gifts my breakdown has given me. But I do want to take a minute to return to the scene of the crime: my loss of joy. Joy is not the same as happiness. Today, I am unhappy that a grant proposal we turned in was not accepted. But I am still joyful.

Joy is a reflection of clarity about our purpose. Happiness usually involves getting our way. Joy is not an inside job. It comes from our shared experiences with others. Joy is the emotion that is best friends with the thought that we are "enough."

Our joy matters. Some days you are the one who reminds others; other days they remind you.

We do not have a moral obligation to give every drop of our humanity to support others ESPECIALLY people who treat us as if they are entitled to receive more from us than they would ever give in return.

Go enjoy your day!!

Complete the Stress Cycle…

I often think about what it was like for my grandparents to live during the Great Depression. I understand that we are all feeling the stress of the pandemic, and it is bad, but what about living through a pandemic or war without air conditioning, reliable transportation, the internet, television, or access to food or a paycheck? That must have been brutal. My grandparents considered themselves lucky. Embedded in large families on both sides, among them they figured it out. My grandfather had a paycheck, his cousins had farms. He could give them money and they could supply him with food. Someone usually had some means of transportation for the clan, and they would ferry and barter and deliver goods among them. They survived.

Lately, I've been wondering if in the long run, they might be better off than many of us will be post pandemic because of the way they handled their stressors: they were able to complete their stress cycle. They had a need, they figured out who could meet it, they found ways to return the favor.

During the pandemic of 2020, 2021, etc., can we say the same? Does our stress cycle ever end? We are fighting about different political viewpoints but we are not leaning in and collectively serving one another - even if we disagree. This is not universally true. My friends Carolyn and Linda have put their nursing skills into good use and vaccinated the unvaccinated. My doctor tries to help me make sense of all the conflicting reports about best medical practices for living in a pandemic. My neighbor promised me that if we ran out of toilet paper, her stash was so large that she would share with me if needed. But as a collective, I do NOT think we are completing our stress cycles as the waves of stressors roll over us. We are not being as careful with our relationships as I think the situation warrants. We are escalating rather than de-escalating our stress.

I bet you wonder what a stress cycle is and how you might complete it. Stay tuned. We'll figure it out!

The Gift of Guilt

"I'll never get over my guilt," is a sentence I hear often from parents who have suffered the traumatic loss of a child (and all losses of children are traumatic - even if they are grown up when we lose them).

If we stay in this place of ruminating over our regrets and guilt, we are spared a bit from the acknowledgement of all our loss. Maybe it is easier to talk about our feelings of guilt than it is to live with the reality of all the things that will not happen now that they are gone.

It is all HARD. Guilt is crushing; mourning is like having heart surgery without anesthesia - every damn day.

But here's the thing - guilt is not really a gift unless it is true, legitimate wrongdoing - if that is true, then we know how to proceed: ask for forgiveness and make amends. However, it is usually not the whole story. Sometimes we give ourselves too much credit for what we perceive we can (or should) control. Secondly, it is expensive. Unremitting, unresolved feelings of guilt steals the present moment. It takes us away from the living.

Guilt, the lying little bugger, tells us that it serves as a living tribute to the loss. But guilt really just keeps stealing from the living. Guilt asks us to keep dying for our dead - and that sounds noble, even preferable to our grief over another's passing.

But what if there is another way? What if we acknowledge the specifics of what we cannot undo that was 'wrong' and refuse the offering of a generalized guilty feeling with no legitimate claim to reality? We acknowledge our legitimate wrongdoing and seek forgiveness, make amends. If we find that some of the beliefs that we have held about our guilt are simply not true, then we must move forward. We live. We live to honor the lost. We live well for those among us, our other children, our family that is still present for us to love well.

These are not easy things nor are they appropriate first responses for someone new to grief. But if we find that our grief is interfering with our love for others - maybe it is time to re-evaluate the ways we have thought about our loss. Maybe we need a grief counselor or a grief group to help us reframe our habitual way of thinking about our suffering.

Maybe we need some support for healing.

More on Suffering…

"Human suffering threatens all networks of meaning."

Bible Preaching on the Death of Jesus by William A. Beardslee et al.

Good old American know-how is a beautiful thing. But when we think our know-how should make us capable of out-running suffering, we are getting too big for our britches. As I alluded to in yesterday's blog, we need to be careful with how we define suffering.

We can turn pain into suffering if we are not careful. When I act as if a delayed shipment on a piece of eye candy furniture is a suffering, I'm perpetuating a myth. That is not suffering. But my whining and complaining causes me (and others who have to listen) suffering.

Simone Weil and others have written about their perspectives on suffering. Here is the gist of what I am learning from others, people who do not think waiting for a piece of furniture in a pandemic is a suffering because they actually know what suffering is all about.

Our faith does not and was not intended to alleviate suffering. There is not magic cure. There is no special way to believe that short circuits pain and suffering. According to Weil, our faith makes good use of our suffering.

She explains it something like this. Like Job, when we are able to continue to love God even when life is not good, that is a big deal. When we can love God in the midst of legitimate suffering - as a result of the limits of human living and its pain, grief, death and injustice for many - then we can turn our suffering into something that might benefit someone else.

I'm not suggesting we sign up for suffering. No, my friends, this is not necessary. Suffering will find us. But when it does, the question will be this, eventually, maybe years down the road: how does this suffering shape us? Are we more humane? Does our humanity reflect more the God who we have managed to love even when he does not meet our expectations and - gasp - demands?

Suffering for Freedom

Jesus was not an ideal god - he suffered for things he did not do and was punished for loving too much. Our world is built on knowing who has the power and making sure we get some; Jesus turns that all upside down and says the last shall be first.

Terri and Tom C. are raising money for scholarships for the Threshold (a new venture for our little community); many of you have supported those efforts and have beautiful stained glass objects of art or gorgeous candle holders to prove it. All are beautiful. But what looked an awful lot like Jesus to me was the picture Terri posted in our NSC fb group - her fingers after all that working. Scratched and dented puts it mildly. Now look, Terri will not like me calling attention to this, so I may need to make her some brownies, but it is the best example I can imagine of what we've been talking about in the last few blogs. Terri loves doing her art, it's part of her giftedness and she loves this place and she likes to support it any way she can BUT she suffers too for the effort. Owen M. and the other drivers who staff the van to pick up our friends from The Healing Place, have to get up super early to do this job. I call out Owen in particular because he lives so far out on a piece of land that resembles a slice of heaven - his commute is epic. I could go on and on with the examples of the things so many of you do to serve and support our community. But it involves suffering. It's ok to acknowledge that - in fact, we should talk about it more so that suffering becomes an expectation, not something we all seek to avoid like the coronavirus.

I just want to say this to all of you who suffer for the benefit of another person - you're doing ok. The suffering is not a sign that something is wrong, it is an indication that something is right in a world that gets it wrong most of the time. You'll be a weirdo. Most people won't get you. But if you are suffering to benefit another, way to go. Jesus and those who follow him lose more than they win, but what they gain we cannot put a price on - a partnership with God, true freedom.

So we run this world our way...and for folks who want to be faithful to God's vision - we try to run it his way - in keeping with his vision. What do we need to change in order to do a better job of not just wanting to do it his way - but following through on that vision?