The Little Engine That Could Not…

I used to think I had to be the little engine that could until I realized one day that I could not. I could not keep on with this pattern of living that required me to give without regard for my own wellbeing. Most of us are familiar with Jesus' teaching on "turn the other cheek." As a Christian, I figured this was an important teaching - after all, it shows up more than once in the gospels. It really does SOUND like we are supposed to set ourselves up to be human punching bags in these passages. And, my family system of origin, while completely irreligious in my early formative years, taught me the same thing. I lapped this stuff up like it was melting ice cream on a hot summer's day.

Why? Because if JESUS said turn the other cheek, then maybe I did not need to question the way in which I was parented. I could ignore the unhealthy aspects of my family and focus my attention on doing what I was raised to do - give.

I am not going to try to exegete such an important passage of scripture in a blog. But here's what I'm learning. The world is a violent place and people are not particularly nice. When under duress, they probably are never going to see someone else's position from a place of compassion and empathy. That's a given. It's not personal, it is a reflection of who they are not what you have or have not done.

However, the effect of this violence is devastating. And it is violence. Anytime we are not living in such a way as to communicate positive regard for others and deep respect, it is an assault on each individual's capacity for virtue.

Turning the other cheek, for all that it means and does not mean, may point us in a certain direction for understanding. We need to learn that the world is a violent place and how to handle these constant assaults on our souls. The answer is rarely going to be found within the context of the relationship of anyone who is willing to strike you on your cheek in the first place. Depending on the relationship, it may need to be addressed.

But other times, it simply needs to be acknowledged. That person was violent toward me. I need to turn and walk in a different direction. This does not preclude a relationship but it changes the nature of the relationship in profound ways.

And hear me on this...you do not have to keep giving to that relationship. You can step back. You can give someone else a turn to give to them.

What relationships are you in that are not nurturing? Step back. Re-evaluate. Consider other options. Sometimes we need help sorting all this out. That's ok. Just know that there is something there that needs sorting, and if you do not do so, your body will let you know.

When We Know Better, We Do Better

Most people who know me understand that after years of teaching about "codependency" as a dreaded disease that needed to be eradicated, I have changed my mind. Again, more on that later, but for now, let's clear something up in terms of assumptions.

When we know better, we do better. Codependency was a word that was created to describe the dance treatment professionals noticed between family members and loved ones with their "dependent" - a person with a substance use disorder. I'm sure those early observers didn't mean it to become a cuss word or a term of condescension - but this is what happened.

Families were soon getting "blamed" for their loved ones choices even as the experts told them that they did not cause, nor could that cure or control the disease that had overtaken their beloved. But honestly - if anyone has ever said to you, "Wow, that's pretty codependent." You felt blamed. At a minimum, you felt judged.

In Emily and Amelia Nagoski's book, Burnout The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, they discuss the role of science in their introduction - and it is brilliant. They remind us that science is a particular way of being wrong. This certainly would have been good information for us to remember as various ones of us have railed against "the experts" during the covid crisis. Science is SUPPOSED to get it wrong; that's how they figure out how to get a bit better at a problem that no one had ever resolved before! Scientists are trying to be a little bit less wrong than the ones who came before them. They want to be wrong in a particularly helpful way. They want to be wrong in a manner that can be tested and proven.

Codependency language was a first step; it was picking up on something that addiction researchers understand better now, because, well, science. Addiction is a family disease - and various family members "break out" in different symptoms. The person with the use disorder looks one way; their loved ones look another. All of it is fairly predictable.

We could think of it like this. The family members become the "human givers" and the used disordered represent the "human beings" - because, duh. When someone has a use disorder, their brain is greatly compromised. They are fighting to survive and do not have much capacity for giving. This disparity is not limited to families with use disorders, but I just want to make note of the similarities because...as we walk through what happened to me and how I found my way through the tunnel of darkness, maybe others will find common ground and (I hope and pray) maybe their own way "through."

Today, take a few minutes to see where you are in life. Are you giving or being?

Human Giving or Human Being?

Philosopher Kate Manne wrote in Dawn Girl: The Logic of Misogyny about a system with one class of people she called the "human givers." The human givers were expected to offer their time, attention, and affection to another group of people called the "human beings." She implied that the "human beings" had an obligation to express their humanity while the "human givers" were required to GIVE their humanity to the human beings. As we can guess, the givers were the women. I am blessed to know many human givers who are male: my husband, my sons, my nephews, my brother, both my brothers-in-law and a bunch of guy friends. But her point is well-taken. I do believe that in our culture, we are trying to address the lopsided role of "giving" versus "being" as it relates to gender differentials.

Regardless, if you feel like you are a "human giver" surrounded by "human beings" - you may be onto something pretty ugly. In the last five years, with the help of people who I learned to trust, I had to come to grips with the fact that I was not supposed to need anything. This was a pattern that was ingrained in me. My personality seems to be vulnerable to this false belief AND my family system certainly supported this belief.

Human givers are supposed to be able to anticipate the opinions and preferences of others and behave accordingly. If they do not figure out how to give the people what they want, they will be shamed, punished or even destroyed.

There could not be a more perfect plan devised to achieve a state of complete breakdown of the human spirit.

Our body, with its instinct for self-preservation, knows that giving up our preferences in favor of serving the opinions and preferences of the collective is a recipe for disaster. Our body tries to alert us to our need for change - it gets sick, has trouble sleeping, starts ruminating, has panic attacks, and loses its capacity for joy. But within the system of "human giving" versus "human being", the system is rigged to teach the helpers that they are SELFISH if they have a political opinion, or a preference, or a need to express their own anger and disappointment.

If this sounds a lot like codependency to you, you are sort of right. But that's for another day's discussion. I wonder, do you think you struggle more with giving or being?

Gratitude

Closing out August with a ton of gratitude. Apologies for all those who I am missing....

While I was lazing around enjoying my vacation, our friends Gala and Carolyn responded to a request for volunteers willing to do some painting at NSC. They did a bang up job and I am extremely extremely grateful. I cannot wait to see how great the new space looks!

It would have been a mistake not to ask for help...but that would have been my inclination. I'm so glad Scott thought to ask! I'm grateful for his willingness to ASK! I am grateful for being on Scott's team NSC - and the fact that he lets me play with my granddaughter Norah!

My friend Debi generously steps up and facilitates Wednesday night women's group when I cannot be there - everyone enjoys her gifted leadership and I receive the gift of not having to find a strong internet connection every time I leave town. Thanks Debi, for my vacation!

We have a team that is working on writing grants to help fund some new adventures at NSC. Thanks to this team and all their hard work to help NSC do its thing.

For Tim and Debi and Anne and others who regularly post on the NSC Community Group page words of encouragement - we hear you and we appreciate you!

Thanks to Jessie and Linda and Anne and others in supporting the work of NSC in ways both large and small - it is all important and it all matters.

To Steve and Brian we give thanks for our return to NSC...to the beat of your wonderful music.

Thanks to Denise and the partners and speakers who allow our Thursday night Friends and Family Education Program to keep bringing support and education to families seeking recovery for those they love. To Walt and

Emily and their commitment to SMART Recovery - we are so grateful!

Our board - we thank you for continuing to help us dream!

And for all you wonderfully supportive Enneagrammers who are helping me learn a new way of servicing - thank you thank you thank you.

For all of you who have hosted and/or attended our Saturday night gatherings - what fun you are to hang with - thank you for sharing yourselves and making Saturday night something to anticipate with pleasure!

As always...a huge shout out to all of you wonderful souls who keep showing up, even when it is inconvenient and NOT your preference. God bless you and yours!

What Does Easter Mean to You?

Technically, Easter is the period of fifty days from Easter Sunday to Pentecost Sunday. So although our traditional Easter Sunday has passed...I'm still thinking about the resurrection. I guess it means more to me this year, this promise of God's breath resurrecting dry dead bones. This past year has been one of great losses for many. One of the things I think about on Easter are some of the ways I see people believing in the power of resurrection. My friends, who before they met lost spouses through divorce, each lost a children through death related to SUD and Mental Health issues but somehow in the intervening years found each other. Today they are married and living a resurrected life. They have certainly not forgotten their losses, but have found their dry, dead bones breathed on by God, revived by love when they least expected it.

Or my friend Lori who finds a sense of purpose in sitting with other mom's who have lost children. Or another who, having lost a child pours all his energy into finding ways to help other families maybe save their own children before it is too late. What generosity of spirit! They have not run from their deaths; they have leaned into resurrection. And it is hard.

Or someone who early on in the pandemic donated extra that she had to help pay rent for someone in our community who could not have kept her home without that support. Totally unsolicited, unaware of the need, she gave at a time, just the right time, to revive a young couple who was losing all hope.

This is not just an individual matter. Consider St. James Church here in Richmond, Va. which burned in 1994. Built in the 1770's it burned to the ground. But what did they do? They carried on. They even acquired a motto: "Let us rise up and build" Nehemiah 2:18.

How might we all benefit from a new motto, after a long year of losses?How might we rise up and build?