A Mighty Good Start…

Yesterday I talked about my friend with the overbearing mom. Her mom, unwittingly perhaps, taught her daughter from a young age that she would never be competent or good enough or responsible enough to solve her own problems. Mom over-reached, over-corrected and over time, my friend developed this bad habit of not trusting herself. Who can blame her?

Recovery helped my friend regain her footing and find her adult self. She says it has been a huge blessing in her life. She tells me that recovery has taught her as much about healthy relationships as it has supported her recovery. Through therapy and 12-Step meetings and support groups, my friend has learned that healthy relationships are when two people solve their own problems while cheering each other on.

Her mom has it backwards. She tries to solve my friend's problem while tearing her daughter down.

Until recently, my friend believed that there was nothing she could do to solve this problem, but it was because she was worrying about solving the wrong problem - her mother. In a way, my friend was modeling what had been taught and modeled by her own mom - worry about other people's issues and ignore your own.

Today, my friend has chosen to assume that her mother is as unchanging as the taste of a Big Mac. But she can change, and she's figuring that out. She has some options, but all of them include absolutely refusing to change her own decisions, plans, and actionable items in pursuit of her own dreams and goals not matter what her mother says. That's a mighty good start if you ask me.

Uncomfortable Closeness

We do not need the news accounts about famous men kissing women against their will to know that physical boundary violations are common place. It's called assault (and worse) but when we experience it, we may not realize that it is happening. It's not usually a stranger who crosses these physical boundaries; the offending relative does not always appear creepy.

It can be a trusted grandfather (or grandmother), a sibling, or parent. Stroking, hugging, touching, even tickling - anything that feels uncomfortable is a violation. Few children tell. Is the problem in need of a solution to form better physical boundaries? That would be helpful.

But what is even more crucial is for all of us to foster in ourselves and others healthy emotional boundaries. For my junior prom, I went with a guy I barely knew. Mistake #1. But my friends really wanted me to be there and in 1973, that required a date. He had a purple corvette and it matched my dress - I liked that. He seemed nice enough as I got to know him. But on prom night we both had very different expectations. We were not out of my neighborhood before he pulled out a bottle of alcohol and began his pre-party preparations. This was not ok with me.

That guy crossed a boundary and I was exercising my right to say no. I ended up going home with a different, lovely friend (whose own date soon hooked up with my date). All is well that ends well. But why was I willing to put up such a strong boundary so quickly with a guy whose really cool car matched my dress?

For whatever reason, I had strong emotional boundaries in that moment. My strong feeling of discomfort out-weighed any other considerations.

Even afterwards, when the switcharoo was the talk of the school and my parents, who chaperoned, were totally freaked out when they saw my date leave with another, none of that bothered or embarrassed me. No angst. I was at perfect peace - and had a lovely, lovely time.

It turns out that our feelings provide us with lots of guidance if we listen carefully; they also connect us with meaning. I was willing to ride home with my befuddled parents if absolutely necessary, but I was not willing to step into that purple corvette with a guy who was going to drink his way through the evening. No way. Not going to happen. My core values, my self-image, my beliefs? I could not tell you any of them at that time. But I had a feeling and I went with it. No I did not want a drink. No I did not want to go to his friend's house before prom. His response, "I had a feeling you were that kind of girl." Yep. Even he had feelings!

When we do not have strong emotional boundaries, we cannot execute on our appropriate physical boundaries. Young girls who do not feel safe and secure within their family are not going to feel equipped to squeal on Uncle Jimmy with the wandering hands. If we want our kids to learn how to protect themselves in the physical world, it is important to figure out how to support healthy emotional boundaries. If we keep beating ourselves up for making poor, inexplicable choices, stop that! Instead, consider the possibility that it is time to explore the wellness of our own emotional boundaries.

Troublemakers

Troublemakers start fights; gossips break up friendships. Proverbs 16:28 The Message

I grieve the loss of friendships that occur needlessly. Maybe this is just me being old, but it is true, the older I get the more appreciation I have for my friends who have been willing to hang in with my particular brand of humanity. Friendships are precious and should be handled with care. I believe it is the exception, not the rule, for people to know how to manage relationships with respect, dignity and positive regard.

Recently I accidentally downloaded a harlequin romance novel on my audible app. Never again. But I'm a bit OCD about books and once I start one I am compulsive about finishing it. This particular novel had all the elements of a 'good' romance according to novels: a kidnapping (mostly the kidnappers were kind), an undercover police detective (who somehow managed to jump on the boat and stay with the damsel during the ordeal without the kidnappers killing him), and instant love-at-first-sight between the detective and the fair maiden. Whisked off to a Caribbean island (because why NOT go in style) these two were somehow able to carry on their romance in the midst of a hostage negotiation! This involved the detective barking orders, kissing the maiden without her permission and at one point demanding, "Take your clothes off; it seems to be the only way we can have a conversation." Oh boy. And she smacked him numerous times because...why not?

I began to think about all the old movies I had seen where love was portrayed first as a battle. No wonder guys think girls who say no might not mean it! In the movies, the hero can be cranky and rough and demanding and the women swoon. In the Christmas movie 'It's a Wonderful Life' Jimmy Stewart is not exactly gentle with his bride when he gets in a mood. Even the Hallmark movies manage at least one scene where an adult, who should know better, might tell a kid, "Hey, he just picks on/teases you/tickles you because he likes you." Learning to tolerate this is called grooming for sexual exploitation, not a lesson in 'how to get a girl'.

This is not love. Fighting is a sign of trouble. Conflict is a normal part of loving but needs to be resolved within the boundaries of respect, dignity and mutual positive regard. Speaking negatively about another person to anyone but that person is gossipy. Now look - I get it. We all unload once in awhile. But maybe we should take more care with that. If fighting and gossip are a habitual pattern, something needs to change. Friendships may need to be relinquished. This does not make anyone necessarily 'bad' it just means that for whatever reason, the combination of personalities is not a good fit. Maybe in the discomfort of needing to break up as friends, people behave badly - this too is normal for folks who lack the skills to gently let things go. Once we recognize that this is the issue, we should back up but I pray we can find ways to do so that extend love.

A Certain Kind of Suffering

When it comes to suffering, we need to be careful to clarify that we are NOT called to suffer as Jesus did - please never confuse the suffering that the world endures as somehow equivalent. Suffering that is not chosen - famine, genocide, racial discrimination, sexual abuse - is not redemptive in any way. But in this instance, Jesus had a choice and he chose the path of suffering not as a goal, but as a by-product.

This is a specific kind of suffering. His goal was not to suffer as if that was some kind of badge of honor. His goal was to be the man who God created him to be - regardless the cost. This clarifies my own relationship with suffering - a bit. Here are a few questions I ask myself when faced with my own suffering:

1. Is this suffering mine to do? In other words, have I chosen this suffering as a way to align with my core values or has it been foisted upon me? Basically, I am asking a question to figure out what KIND of suffering I am enduring. Redemptive suffering as a result of following God's call to right action, unjust suffering at the hands of a situation or person outside my control, or suffering as a result of poor choices - otherwise known as consequences - which is it?

2. Is this suffering a decision I, and I alone, have made as a reflection of what/who I love more than my own life? This is a rare decision, but I suppose it can also be seen on a spectrum. I might choose to parent a child with a substance use disorder differently than my natural maternal tendencies if I am taught that my natural way of doing something is counter-productive for my child's healing. This will create inner tension and suffering because I am going against my instincts - but this is an honorable choice. I might choose to be a friend to someone who does not treat me as a friend. This would be a choice, a decision to sacrifice my own desire for friendship with this person in service to my value of loving people even when they don't love me back. (Oh so much more to say about this...but that's for another day. This would need to be a carefully thought out and prayed over decision. We do not need anymore martyrs in the world!)

3. How does this suffering contribute to the kingdom of God coming to earth? So much of our suffering is self-imposed or misguided. It is, as Will Willimon is famous for saying, important that an "outside agency" is in play in our decision making. We need to make sure that our "shadow self" - the self-deception, blindspots and other ways we are not self-aware - is not "tricking" us into making choices that are unhealthy and poorly boundaries.

How might your relationship with suffering change in light of these ideas?