Checking the Facts...

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

Brene Brown

Michelle begins. “So. Marsha told me what happened. I wanted to check the story with you since it is second-hand. She says you got really drunk Saturday night, got belligerent with Bill and ended up breaking some stuff in the rental house. I understand it was $1,000 worth of damages, which you paid for. I also understand that the guys were worried about your behavior and tried to get you to talk about it, but you refused. Do I have the facts right?”

Notice what Michelle did NOT say. “How could you have behaved so badly?” “You have embarrassed me/yourself/us.”“What if the kids find out?” On and on she could have gone, setting him up to feel shame, remorse and maybe really, really defensive. She did none of that. He corrected her on a couple of points: the damage was $900, and the guys were not worried, they were MAD. Now, she could quibble. But she doesn’t. She doesn’t address the guy’s reaction and kind of regrets putting that in her notes. She acknowledges that the math was off without asking him what in the world $100 difference makes!

She notices that she feels nervous and his face reddens. She does what any decent mediator does, she backs off. “Well, thanks for letting me fact check. This felt like a wall between me and you, and to be honest, between me and the wives. I do not know what to do with all this, I love you.”

* What are the signs you notice in yourself or others that indicates it is time to back out of the conversation until calm is re-established?

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.