Doing Things Differently

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Our subconscious is powerful and cunning.  I do not consciously choose to start fights with Brittany in order to release tension from my suppressed grief.  I do this naturally.  The body instinctively takes what it needs in order to maintain something akin to homeostasis (as close as it can get in difficult circumstances anyway).  

I do not consciously choose to go after her over cleaning either.  Only in retrospect am I able to discern why that area of our life is such an easy target for my practice rounds.  

I also do not consciously view this argument as an attempt to regain control in the face of powerlessness.  Yet, this is exactly what it is.  I know this because I know this:  this particular area is one in which it is easy for me to feel superior.  In reality, I am not superior in any way.  I have my own chores that I ignore for long periods of time or, when I'm not ignoring them, cut corners on, or address them half-heartedly, etc.  In this particular fight I am convinced that, regardless of what Brittany says, I will end up on the moral high ground.  

You see what I'm describing?

Control.  

Scott’s 2021 thoughts on this post:

You should be sensing a theme. I no longer put much stock in the subconscious. Things happen beneath the surface we’re not consciously aware of, of course, but I don’t know that we gain that much by trying to figure them out…because…how do we know if we’re right? 

Instead- I suggest paying attention to things you want to do differently. I wanted to stop blaming my wife for things she didn’t do. In order to do that, I needed to de-stress, in order to do that, I needed some more alone time, and I needed some more hobbies. I could have accomplished all of that without raking myself over the coals for things my mind was doing that I wasn’t aware of.

So- what would you like to do differently?

What Helps?

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Yesterday I wrote about the different strategies Brittany and I use to avoid coping with grief.  These false strategies have led to a number of perfectly avoidable conflicts this year.  We have fought over an ungodly amount of pointless stuff!

When I walk around in active suppression of my grief then my body carries more tension than it has the capacity to hold.  When we don't confront unpleasant things then we do not (and cannot) release the tension that comes with emotional turmoil.  That tension must come out.  

So I pick a fight over the cleanliness of the house.  Why?  Because it's such an easy target and I know it.  Brittany works from home now and has agreed to take on more of the cleaning burden as a result.  This means that, when I'm living unconsciously, I have a built-in excuse to go after her.  The house is never immaculate because nobody's house is immaculate.  So, I can always find something to be upset about if and when I need a release for all the tension I'm carrying.  

I will tie this back to control tomorrow.  

My perspective on this in 2021:

I don’t really know if all of this subconscious stuff I’m describing was happening or not- what is clear to me, looking back, is I needed to find more ways relieve some of the stress I was carrying- related to grief, work, marriage, school, etc. I needed more things I could look forward to in life. I subsequently found photography- that has been a big outlet for me. Brittany and I found more ways to get me some alone time so I could recharge my batteries- that has been huge.

What things actually help you de-stress? Read that closely- I’m not asking: what things do you think will help you de-stress (but they never actually help). I’m asking what actually helps? These are often different things.

Trusting

I have a hymn I hate. I used to love to sing it; it always made me cry. But then I really thought about the lyrics and today it makes me cry thinking about ever singing it. Here goes...

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word, what a glory He sheds on our way! While we do His good will, He abides with us still, and with all who will trust and obey.

Just say no. This is not ok. It implies that he withdraws his had of support if we do not trust and obey. But the scripture says otherwise. How did Jesus handle "doubting" Thomas? He let him touch his wounds. (Read John 20 if you want the nitty gritty details.)

Now, perhaps I have giving the hymn too much grief. Let's keep going and see what you think…

Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Don't get me started. Since when does trusting and obeying guarantee happiness? You see where I'm going with this. This is tiptoeing too close to the line of living in illusion not reality. This reads like a sales pitch to me. Maybe I am too cynical….

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies, but His smile quickly drives it away; not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear, can abide while we trust and obey.

I beg to differ. How many funerals have I tended over where families have trusted and obeyed; prayed and pleaded with God to save their children from addiction or the effects of a mental illness? I've lost count. But what I do know is that the sighs and tears continue even when families trust and obey. It feels like adding insult to injury to ask these families to abandon doubt, fear, sighing and crying as an act of obedience.

"Someone gave me a cartoon of a street preacher with a sign around his neck that said, "The world is not coming to an end; therefore you must suffer along and learn to cope."

Barbara Brown Taylor, Teaching Sermons on Suffering: God in Pain p.85-86

Carry on. Cope. Just understand that suffering is not a sign of disobedience and happiness is not a guaranteed outcome of faith. I hope this helps you breathe if you happen to be suffering right now.

Estrangement

For decades I was afraid of anger. I didn't mind a little righteous indignation on behalf of another person now and again, but I would go to great lengths to not get angry with the people I loved. I excused, ignored, justified and rationalized bad behavior so long as the naughty person was someone I loved. It was exhausting.

I did not know that love and anger are companions; I had rarely witnessed anger as a normal response to loving one another. When we were first married Pete would sometimes express normal and appropriate anger. It would totally freak me out. He learned over the years to deal with his anger in ways that did not scare me, which basically meant trying to figure out how to handle conflict in ways I could tolerate - which was really unfair to him. We're lucky, I suppose, that we survived my anger-phobia. Getting angry is part and parcel of intimacy and love. Paul certainly knew that when he wrote in the book of Ephesians, "Be angry but do not sin...Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ as forgiven you." (Ephesians 4 and 5 is a good read.)

Anger is an emotion that is beneficial so long as we learn how to use it for good and not evil. It serves as a signal that we need to pay attention to something. Maybe there is a threat - or perhaps, a perceived threat that is actually no threat at all. Maybe anger is trying to teach us something we need to learn about ourselves - like, hypothetically speaking, we need a good therapist to help us sort through why anger freaks us out. Anger gets our body ready for a response. Often anger is just a good cover for fear. Whatever. They are both trying to get our attention.

Denying anger is the way I tried to cope; I can tell you, it is a short term solution if you're uncertain how to proceed but a lousy long term strategy for caring about yourself and others. Virtuous living is a beautiful thing - but no where is it considered a virtue to numb yourself from feeling your feelings.

As I said yesterday, Jesus is not trying to break people up but he does offer us ways to see and be in the world that allows for authentic human expressions of all kinds. Are there any emotional barriers between you ad your own authentic living?

Developing a New Mindset

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

Corrie Ten Boom

I honestly do not know how to tell anyone anything meaningful about abandoning any powerful emotion in favor of love. I just do not know. I do know it is a great idea. I’m also learning some things about change. And who in their right mind could possibly believe that nothing needs to change at this particular moment in time?

Has anyone ever said to you, “Just stop worrying!” Does it help? What about all those other helpful suggestions of what YOU need to stop - as if you haven’t thought about that yourself a million times?

What does help?

There is power in believing that we can improve and accomplish what we set out to achieve. But this is NOT a vague message about having more faith, or sticking with hope, or even God has got this so stop whining. This is a very specific way of believing.

It relates to how we experience failures and setbacks.

When we develop a mindset that sees our failures and setbacks as opportunities for growth - we are developing the kind of resilience that allows us to face challenging situations and come to believe that we can improve and accomplish goals that are important to us.

How do we accomplish this shift? I have some ideas. Stay tuned! For today, if you are interested in bolstering your resilience and capacity for achieving your goals, give thought to this idea that failures and setbacks as opportunities for GROWTH.

Hear me clearly - the focus is on the belief that we can GROW. This does not mean that we will necessarily succeed at everything we try. This is not magic. But what it does mean is that we can alleviate some suffering, worry and sorrow which will free us up to find more productive ways to cope with our lives - and maybe even thrive.