The Healing of Physical Connection

Sometimes laughter does not work and pleasantries are not enough to support our recovery from stress. This is when we need a deeper connection with a loving presence. During my sorrowful season I relied on a couple of dear humans to walk with me, text with late at night, talk to on the phone when needed. These took a lot of time but my friends were willing to give it to me without condition. My husband gave me long hugs and many "six-second kisses" - a concept we will talk about in a second. My kids visited and did not let me forget I was acting "off" without becoming condescending or nagging. My brother and his family, also suffering, sustained contact and visited.

This point is crucial. There have to be people in your life who allow you to "receive" without expecting anything in return. We need people who allow us to be a "human being" not only a "human giving." We need people who see beyond our job title or their expectations.

John Gottman, a relationship researcher, says that affection on this level is the equivalent of a "six-second kiss." That's a loooonnnnng kiss. His research is around partners, not friends who take long walks with you! But he reports that the kiss tells our body that we are safe with our significant other. Another way to create this atmosphere of affection is with a hug. This is not a quick lean-in hug. This is a sustained hug. If you've watched Ted Lasso (and if you have not you should), in season two there is a long hug after an episode with one of the men and his abusive father. His coach comes in and gives him a HUG. He wraps him in his arms and the character, Jaimie, goes from a stiff-armed robot to a person crying shamlessly as they receive comfort. This kind of hug requires 20-seconds.

Human contact teaches our body that all is good!

Without being creepy and inappropriate, how can you give and receive affection on a regular basis and close that stress loop?

PS. Pets are perfectly acceptable substitutes as is finding "meaning in life" and prayer works too! The goal is to feel a connection outside one's self.